It started out, much like the beginning of the Dark Ages, with ample hope and wild dreams of success. So much promise. Now, to be frank, I just didn’t like the way the rankings panned out.
I started this column with one goal in mind and one goal only: I was going to prove that Allen Iverson was without a doubt the greatest player of the NBA Dark Ages. I feel like I can admit that now. Unfortunately, being the amateur mathematician that I am, I was unable to fudge the numbers enough to make it happen. (I’m sorry AI, I know you could use a win these days. Keep on truckin’ brotha.) So yeah, despite the fact that I recalibrated the subjective scales to give Iverson a better chance, and despite the fact that I tried to do the same thing several times until it worked, I have been forced to admit that based on the super refined and mind-blowing formula I created, Allen Iverson is not, in fact, the best player of the NBA Dark Ages. It’s stupid, and unfair, and it’s the reason it has taken me so long to write these final five rankings despite the shouts and demands of at least four of my readers.
I just felt I needed to holdout in protest of myself, to send the message that it’s not ok to fail, and fail I did. I failed to accomplish the only goal I originally set for this column, to make AI the winner. I was unable to control my own ego and ambitions and I let this whole thing get away from me. It’s despicable really and I deserved the boycott I gave myself. Shame on me.
So now that I got you all amped up and excited for this, feel free to skip ahead and begin reading the Top 5 Player Rankings of the NBA Dark Ages, because I’m probably going to spend a little more time insisting that Allen Iverson should have been number one. Enjoy.
PS: Allen Iverson was definitely the best player of the NBA Dark Ages.
PSS: Allen Iverson is the greatest, no matter what that idiot Zane says.
PSSS: Allen Iverson, super-hero, future world leader, rumored Super Saiyan, is the only true winner of these rankings.
PSSSS: Allen Iverson is the greatest NBA player of all time.
PSSSSS: I take back that last statement, or do I…
5. Kobe Bryant
-3 1st teams, 2 2nd teams, 2 3rd teams=+15
-3 NBA Champs=+9
-6 all star games=+6
-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7
-1 season 2+ steals=+1
-Name rec.=+10
-Career pt=+6
-Coolness=+5
Total=59
Kobe Bean. The Kobester. Kobe Dick. Arguably one of the greatest guards to ever play the game. Arguably one of the greatest players of all-time. But he is inarguably, the (second) greatest asshole to ever play the game and that is totally OK in my book.
Does Kobe come off as a guy that has many friends? Well, no, but Kobe does have 5 rings, the only friends he’s never lost. Does Kobe have Donald Trump levels of lack of self-awareness? Well, yes, at least he used to. These days he’s seemed to embrace his Kobe-ness.
At one time Kobe absolutely failed to realize just how annoying he was, something that became most clear during the Shaq-Kobe fallout that Shaq undeniably won. It also became noticeable that one very forgettable time when Kobe demanded he be traded out of L.A.. Remember that Kobe fans next time you lump in Kobe with MJ while arguing that they will always be better than LeBron because they stayed with one team. Kobe actively and loudly tried to get out of L.A., and failed. It was a big story for like a week and then everyone kind of just forgot about it after 2007. But I digress, because it’s starting to sound like I dislike Kobe, which could not be any farther from the truth.
Kobe is a Dark Ages God, but his most Dark Agey seasons(’05-’06, ’06-’07, and ’14-?) all came after the official ending of the Dark Ages. This is because when you have Shaquille O’ Neal on your team, it’s hard to get too Dark Agey with it. Same with Pau Gasol(though Lamar Odom was always down to revive the Dark Ages). Winning basketball games and being a Dark Age folk hero never could go hand in hand. Allen Iverson(ALLEN IVERSON!!) came the closest of any Dark Ages hero to winning a championship while also never straying from his Dark Age roots. Kobe on the other hand, had to play this thing called “team basketball” every now and then. Thanks a lot Phil!
But none of this matters now, because Kobe is still playing, and a month and a half into the season he is putting together one of the most Dark Agey seasons of all time. Single-handedly carrying an undermanned team? Single –handedly, yes. Carrying? They’re currently 5-17, so that’s hard to claim. But they also just benched Jeremy Lin for a dude named Ronny Price. The point being, Kobe might have more wins if he was on the 76ers right now. His supporting cast is that awful. So has Kobe decided to play hero ball and shoot as many shots as humanly possible in every single game, disregarding the growing number of missed shots? Of course he has, vintage Kobester is back baby!! 39% shooting, 25 ppg and 22 shots per game, and it’s not even Christmas yet. My parents asked me to come up with a Christmas list the other day, I said “back up dudes, I don’t need nothing this year ‘cuz Kobe Dick is back!” Also, he set the record for most missed shots in a career this year. I hope Kobe plays until he’s 50. Kobe Bryant is the Brett Favre of basketball. I can think of no higher compliment.
4. Kevin Garnett
-3 1st teams, 3 2nd teams, 1 3rd team=+16
-NBA MVP=+3
-6 all star games=+6
-2x reb leader=+2
-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7
-7 seasons 10+rbs=+7
-1 season 2+ blks=+1
-Name rec.=+6
-Career pt=+8
-Coolness=+6
-Total=62
KG also seems like a dick, but in a less lovable way. KG is a dick in the same way Richard Sherman is a dick, in that they’re both supremely gifted athletes who can’t help but TELL everyone just how supremely gifted they are. Or, in KG’s case, he just can’t shut up about ANYTHING on the court. Seriously, watch Kevin Garnett next time the Nets are playing(yes, amazingly, Kevin Garnett is still playing. As someone who nicknamed himself the Basketball Baby Jesus in the last edition of this column, I must admit I legitimately thought KG had retired after last season). He never stops being annoying, which is even more annoying now that KG isn’t KG anymore. Now to be fair, word on the street is that KG is a beloved teammate, and that nobody works harder, but that’s a boring narrative and I refuse to follow it.
Kevin Garnett was a great player though, and despite spending his prime on some up-and-down Timberwolves teams, he firmly belongs in the top five of this list. His championship came with the Celtics later on, but when Kevin Garnett had to be THE GUY on those Timberwolves teams, he was undeniably THE GUY. Unfortunately, the Dark Ages was a time when NBA Teams thought having THE GUY on a team was enough to win despite surrounding him with a bunch of THOSE guys. It didn’t work, and the Dark Ages couldn’t end until teams began to realize that. KG, however, was always more than just an offensive force. He did lame things like play help defense and rebound.
He was great in Captain Phillips, though.
3. Allen Iverson
-3 1st teams, 3 2nd teams=+15
-1 MVP=+3
-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7
-4 time scoring champ=+4
-7 seasons 2+ stls=+7
-6 all star games=+6
Name rec=+8
Career pt=+10
Coolness=+10
Total=70
Thank goodness I’m typing this out, because otherwise the writing would be rendered illegible from the flood of tears cascading from my eyes right now. AI, #3, The Answer, My Muse. He. Was. The. Coolest. Which brings us to the last edition of Things Zane Finds Cool, brought to you by The Heem Teem.
Things Zane Finds Cool include: cornrows, headbands w/ cornrows, profane tattoos that the NBA requires to be covered up, arm wraps to cover said tattoo, profane rap albums, and crossovers.
Allen Iverson was more than a basketball player, he was a living, breathing cultural argument. He was the definition of staying true to himself; all of the money in the world couldn’t persuade this man to buy a suit and tie. He was put on this earth to play basketball and everything else that could possibly distract from that(like practice)
was of no interest to him. Dads couldn’t look at Allen Iverson on or off the court without blabbering about how basketball was being ruined by a bunch of ball hogs lacking fundamentals. Kids like myself couldn’t watch him on or off the court without wondering if 11 years old was too young for a tattoo of a naked lady on our chests. I would have guaranteed as a 9 year old falling in love with Allen Iverson for the first time that I would have had cornrows by now. Guaran-frickin-teed it. Iverson also changed basketball. I’m 90% sure the term “breaking ankles” didn’t exist before Iverson and I’m 98% sure he invented the jump-stop. He even did this to the Greatest.
Everyone in this top 10 was probably some kids favorite basketball player at some point, and Allen Iverson was mine. I could write all day about this, but I’m going to save that for another piece at another time. If you want to keep reading, fine. But I’m going to watch this Iverson highlight video a few dozen times and call it a night…
2. Tim Duncan
-7 1st teams=+21
-3 NBA Champs=+9
-2 MVP’s=+6
-3 Finals MVP’s=+3
-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7
-7 seasons 10+ rbs=+7
-7 seasons 2+ blks=+7
-6 all star games=+6
-Name recognition=+7
-Career pt=+9
-Coolness=+4
-Total=86
You know who was absolutely no kid ever in the history of the world’s favorite player: Tim Duncan. This list is stupid because Tim Duncan is involved. Tim Duncan has embraced the opposite of everything that ever made Allen Iverson cool. Bank shots are lame Tim. I have nothing else to add to this, other than to say it was very difficult to remove TD from number 1 on this list, so despite the fact that I’m upset about him being on this list, I have to accept that removing him from the top spot is the best and only consolation I’m going to get.
1. Shaquille O’ Neal
-6 1st teams, 1 2nd team=+20
-1 MVP=+3
-3 Finals MVP’s=+3
-3 NBA Champs=+9
-1x scoring champ=+1
-6 all star games=+6
-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7
-7 seasons 10+ rbs=+7
-6 seasons 2+ blks=+6
-Name rec=+10
-Career pt=+9
-Coolness=+8
-Total=89
Did I want Allen Iverson to be #1 on this list? Well, yes, how did you guess? Shaq is a great consolation victor, though. For one, he was unbelievably dominant for a man who struggled to stay healthy and in shape throughout his career. For two, he did Kazaam, which I’m pretty sure was runner up to The Highlander for the Academy Awards’ Best Movie Ever Made.
He was also an honorary cop; it doesn’t seem like something anyone would want to be, but Shaq loved that shit. He also made this rap about Kobe. He did this dance at an All-Star game, and he was the first person to realize that Dwight Howard is without a doubt the most annoying professional athlete in the world today. Shaq at full strength was better than anyone else at full strength, including Duncan. It wasn’t even that close really. Shaq destroyed people with dunks, and when you thought the dunk destroying was over, he dunk destroyed you even more.
Shaq became almost as famous for his horrific free throw shooting as he did for his dunks, and even turned down the great Rick Barry’s offer to teach him how to shoot free throws granny style. Now some would say,
“Now Shaquille, don’t you think you’re being a little silly not wanting to shoot free throws underhanded? It’s not like what you’re doing over-handed is working. Just give it a try, bud.”
I say, bravo Shaq. Rick Barry can take his stupid granny free-throws and shove it, because you know what is waaaaaay cooler than shooting a high free throw percentage? Not shooting free throws granny style. And the Dark Ages was all about style before substance, so Shaq absolutely made the right decision with that one. He also was the easy winner of the Shaq-Kobe feud, which really was a pretty big thing and had any basketball fan that mattered picking sides.
Shaq belongs at number 1 on this list because he took all the elements we’ve discussed that made the Dark Ages great and crafted his entire persona around them. Maddeningly unfocused at times? Check. Hollywood personality? Check. Dominant basketball player? Super check. Shaq was as much of a spectacle as a basketball player, and in the present day when players like LeBron, Durant, and Anthony Davis seem to be pulling away from the desire to be larger than life personalities along with larger than life basketball talents, it’s refreshing to look back on the career of Shaquille O’ Neal and know that he did it his way. Well done Shaq, you are the greatest player of the NBA Dark Ages. Now make Kazaam 2 already, dammit.
Zane Writes Well 