We shall call it the Dark Ages.
Michael Jeffrey Jordan had just called it quits for the second time after doing this, and THE LOCKOUT immediately followed. The NBA was left with a handful of 90s superstars extending their careers, and a bunch of up-and-comers looking to make a name for themselves. It was the perfect mix.
It was an era of international players making their way to America, and teams reaching for(and often missing on) high school prospects. It was an era defined by isolation plays, lack of defense, and the Jail Blazers. Hip-hop culture had long been an integral part of basketball culture, but now it pushed its way to the forefront and the tight ass white executives took notice. All of a sudden players were showing up in sagging jeans, du-rags and sideways caps, and the big wigs started to panic.
There are many ways to define this era of NBA basketball, but it’s not hard to figure out when things began to change. First came the game-changing 2003 draft that ushered in future superstars LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Darko Milicic(joking). Then Commissioner David Stern stepped in, as he was often wont to do, and put his permanent fingerprint on the league, changing the culture forever: he instituted a dress –code beginning in the 2005-2006 season. Suddenly this
became this
for better or for worse(for worse). Even more important, an NBA that was consistently seeing its lowest ratings began to become popular again. The Dark Ages of basketball officially ended on October 17, 2005.
Some of us, however, were baptized in the Dark Ages of the NBA. Some of us barely remember watching Michael Jordan before he was on the Wizards, and grew up idolizing Allen Iverson, and worrying our suburban parents who grew up idolizing down-to-earth Larry Bird and media savvy Magic Johnson. We ignored our dads telling us the concept of team was dead in the NBA and instead went and bought arm sleeves and practiced our crossovers. We argued over The Lakers dynasty and yawned while the Spurs began their own. We remember like yesterday Vince Carter’s iconic dunk contest, and eagerly watched Yao Ming’s barrier breaking entry into the league.
There are some of us that refuse to pretend like this NBA era never happened; that refuse to think this period was some sort of a black eye for the league. We grew up on that shit. As part of The Heem Teem’s 2014-15 NBA preview, I’ve decided to go back and properly review this time period in the NBA, which I’m defining as the time from when Jordan retired for the second time until the dress code was instituted. This means I will be looking at the ’98-’99 season through the ’04-’05 season., but rather than focus on the teams from this time, I find it much more fitting to focus on the playersthat made this era so special. This is a very scientific, completely biased, and very subjective ranking of the NBA players that myself and many others grew up idolizing and imitating. This is the players of the Dark Ages.
Here’s how the rankings were determined:
-First things first, the only players eligible were those that made an All-NBA 1st, 2nd, or 3rd team. This left me with 39 players to work with.
1st team=+3
2nd team=+2
3rd team=+1
-League MVP=+3
-NBA Championship=+3
-Finals MVP=+1
-Defensive Player of the Year=+2(this will be the only defensive metric used, because let’s be honest, this era was NOT about defense)
-All-star game= +1
-Led Big 5 category(points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks) for a season=+1
-Averaged 20+ pts in season=+1
-Averaged 10+ rebs in season=+1
-Averaged 10+ assists in season=+1
-Averaged 2+ steals=+1
-Averaged 2+ blocks=+1
But that’s not all, because what are rankings without some subjective metrics like…
-Name recognition(This is both a measurement of the average NBA fans knowledge of a player as well as how well a non-NBA fan would recognize the name)(1-10 rating)
-Point in career(were they in their prime, twilight of career, or was it just beginning?)(1-10 rating)
-Coolness(how cool I consider this person to be)(1-10 rating)
Add it all together and the highest ranking a player could have in 7 seasons is a 190, which no player on this list is close to for obvious reasons.
So now that you understand how I ranked each player, you should understand a few other things: first, there is a very small chance I may have tallied a players numbers wrong. This is very unlikely, because I’m perfect, but stranger things have happened. Second, the subjective rankings are exactly that, subjective. I could have asked a panel of fellow NBA fans to provide their rankings on these topics, but I don’t care what any one else thinks, this is my column. Third, I sincerely care about what everybody else thinks, so please let me know where I screwed up and why. And lastly, I did not include WAR, or win shares, or whatever else these nerds are using to measure performance today, because quite simply, I am not a nerd.
Before we begin, however, let’s look at a few of the better players that didn’t qualify for this list because they never made an All-NBA team in this time period. This includes prolific scorers like Jerry Stackhouse, Antoine Walker, and Shareef Abdur-Rahim. (Am I the only one that doesn’t remember ever watching Abdur-Rahim play? I mean, he was always a name I knew, but playing in Vancouver and for those pitiful Hawks teams during this time basically made him the Raptors version of Chris Bosh. You didn’t know how good he was except for what the numbers said.)
Other players who made a name for themselves during this era but fell short of the list include Stevie Francis, Jalen Rose, and Mr. Big Shot himself Chauncey Billups. Hell, Billups won a Finals MVP during this time and Francis was co-rookie of the year, but neither were ever one of the six best guards in the game, at least according to the All-NBA voters.
Finally, how can we talk about this era without at least spending some time talking about the Jail Blazers. The original big three has to be Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudemire, and Bonzi Wells amirite? How much different would this era have been if the Trail Blazers hadn’t blown that Game 7 against the Lakers in 2002?
Sure, it was only the 1st round, but that team had enough talent and self-certainty to go all the way. Would we have ever emerged from the Dark Ages if the Jail Blazers were NBA Champs? How would David Stern have overreacted?(My money says he would have forced the whole Blazers team to change their first name to David, in a last ditch effort to mold each player after himself. This would have first backfired when Rasheed Wallace exploded after finding out David Wallace was a character on The Office, angered because he found the show to be a shameless rip-off of the original British version he favored. Or maybe it wouldn’t have crumbled until Bonzi Wells started taking on the persona of his namesake, David Wells, chugging beers before games and blacking out by halftime; ok so maybe nothing would have changed for Bonzi, but still).
Last but not least, we can’t forget that MJ Part III graced the Dark Ages with his presence for two odd years. Is there any better reason to call this era the Dark Ages than the fact that a slightly overweight, under-athletic Jordan came out of retirement after the perfect finish to his Bulls career, only to then fail in leading the Wizards into the playoffs while also destroying Kwame Brown’s life in the process? Hmmm.
A few other awards still need to be handed out before we get to the player rankings:
Best Team: This is an easy one. The 2000-2001 Lakers lost one game in the entire playoffs. One. One? One.
Best All-NBA 1st Team: 2002-2003
-Tim Duncan
-Kevin Garnett
-Shaq
-Kobe
-T-Mac
True, there is no point guard on the team, but whooooo caressssss!! We’re talking about two of the most gifted wing scorers the league has ever seen at the guards. You just can’t convince me that the following years first-team that replaced T-Mac with Jason Kidd is better just because they have a point guard. Kobe don’t need no point guard. T-Mac don’t need no point guard. Assuming both can throw the ball into the post occasionally, which I believe they probably can, there is no need for a point guard. How did T-Mac even get voted in as a guard? Is KG the three on this team? Doesn’t matter, this team represents everything that was perfect about the Dark Ages.
Worst All-NBA team: 1998-1999
-Karl Malone
-Tim Duncan
-Alonzo Mourning
-Allen Iverson
-Jason Kidd
Maybe it isn’t fair to include the lockout year, but we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen. This team includes MVP Karl Malone, past his prime and usefulness as Michael Jordan’s plaything, a before-prime Duncan, Iverson, and Kidd, and a very good but not exactly awe inspiring Alonzo Mourning playing center. This team is the perfect embodiment of the lockout year, and I don’t mean that as a positive whatsoever.
Ok, enough bullshitting, let’s start ranking the players of the most interesting period in NBA history, the Dark Ages. Remember, there is no wiggle room on these. If you disagree with me, I will turn on you quicker than Poot did Wallace.
THE “WAIT, I VAGUELY REMEMBER THAT NAME” GROUP
39. Tim Hardaway
-1 2nd team=+2
-Name recognition=+2
-Career point=+3
-Coolness=+1
-Total=8
38. Jamal Mashburn
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 all star game=+1
-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2
-Name recognition=+2
-Career point=+4
-Coolness=+3
-Total=13
37. Eddie Jones
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 all star game=+1
-1 season 20+ pts=+1
-1 season 2+ steals=+1
-1x steals leader=+1
-Name recognition=+1
-Career point=+7
-Coolness=+2
-Total=15
36. Michael Redd
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 all star game=+1
-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2
-Name recognition=+2
-Career point=+4
-Coolness=+5
-Total=15
Not exactly a group to remember. Hardaway was on his way out of the league, and is um, not exactly a likable dude. Eddie Jones didn’t exactly force other teams into a panic. Michael Redd seems like he was gone as soon as he arrived, and he never played a meaningful game. The same can be said for Jamal Mashburn, a surprisingly high volume scorer who thrived on poor teams throughout his career and was a man with diminishing skills at this point. When picking teams for a pick-up game, these guys are selected last every time.
The “These Guys Were Still Playing?” Group
35. Hakeem Olajuwon
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 season 2+ blks=+1
-Name recognition. =+6
-Career point=+2
-Coolness=+8
-Total=18
34. John Stockton
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 all star game=+1
-Name recognition.=+5
-Career point=+3
-Coolness=+8
-Total=18
I’ll be very honest, I have zero recollection of ever watching these guys play. Both scored high in coolness, however. Hakeem Olajuwon because “The Dream” is an all-timer nickname, and also because his name can easily be changed to Haheem Olajuwon. Stockton because he was the last of the great white American point guards, because he went to Gonzaga, and because he once wore an all denim outfit to a Finals game(pic cannot be found). Beyond that, I have nothing to add about these Hall of Famers.
The “They Were Already in the League?” Group
33. Dwyane Wade
-1 2nd team=+2
-1 all star game=+1
-1 season 20+ pts=+1
-Name recognition=+8
-Career point=+2
-Coolness=+5
-Total=19
32. Amar’e Stoudemire
-1 2nd team=+2
-1 all star game=+1
-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2
-Name recognition=+4
-Career point=+3
-Coolness=+7
-Total=19
31. LeBron James
-1 2nd team=+2
-1 all star game=+1
-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2
-1 season 2+ stls=+1
-Name recognition=+10
-Career point=+2
-Coolness=+2
-Total=20
30. Gilbert Arenas
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 all star game=+1
-1 season 20+ pts=+1
-Name recognition=+5
-Career point=+4
-Coolness=+9
-Total=21
An interesting group indeed. Some of you may be surprised to see Gilbert Arenas ahead of LeBron, Amar’e, and D-Wade, so I’ll let you into my thought process a little bit because it all came down to the cool points.
Things that are cool to Zane: nicknaming yourself Agent Zero, flashing guns in the locker room, referring to yourself as Hibachi, flipping a coin to decide where to go in free agency.
Things that aren’t cool to Zane: receding hairlines, goggles(glasses for sports, and glasses are for nerds), being corny(looking at you Bron Bron), and men capris(looking at you D-Wade). This is how Agent Zero ends up ahead of these other better known and more accomplished fellows.
The “LOL…Wait, They Were Pretty Solid” Group
29. Antonio McDyess
-1 3rd team=+1
-1 all star game=+1
– 2 seasons 20+ pts=+2
-2 seasons 10+ rebs=+2
-1 season 2+ blks=+1
-Name recognition=+2
-Career point=+8
-Coolness=+5
-Total=22
28. Grant Hill
-2 2nd teams=+4
-3 all star games=+3
-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2
-Name recognition=+4
-Career point=+4
-Coolness=+2
-Total=22
27. Sam Cassell
-1 2nd team=+2
-1 all star game=+1
-Name recognition=+3
-Career point=+8
-Coolness=+8
-Total=22
McDyess was sneaky good for some very bad Nuggets teams back in the day. Cassell had one of the all-time ugliest NBA faces, which made his irrational confidence and constant smack talk that much more endearing. Cassell also played for surprisingly fun Bucks teams when they had him, Ray Allen, and Glenn Robinson. The sad story on here is Grant Hill, who famously could not stay healthy after signing a massive contract with Orlando before the 2000-2001 season. Despite this, he somehow enjoyed an extended career as a role player, not retiring until 2013. One can’t help but wonder where Hill would have ended up on this list if he would have stayed healthy. Hill unfortunately lost out on coolness points because I can’t always tell him and Steve Smith apart on television, and that pisses me off.
The “Thank God For Timmy D” Group
26. David Robinson
-2 3rd teams=+2
-1 season 10+ rbs=+1
-2 all star games=+2
-3 seasons 2+ blks=+3
-2 NBA Champs=+6
Name recognition=+5
Career point=+2
Coolness=+2
-Total=23
Don’t get me wrong, David Robinson was an awesome player, so I’m told. But he doesn’t make it this high on the list without Tim Duncan leading his Spurs to two championships. The Admiral was well past his prime, and the crew cut never did work for me, but do those teams still win two championships without him? Yeah probably. Plus, one of my childhood buddies older brothers’ name was David Robinson, which was very confusing. That pissed me off. David Robinson should have been farther down on this list, I’m sorry.
The “They Were Great Second Options” Group
25. Baron Davis
-1 3rd team=+1
-2 all star games=+2
-1x steals leader=+1
-1 season 20+ pts=+1
-3 seasons 2+ stls=+3
-Name recognition=+3
-Career point=+6
-Coolness=+6
-Total=23
24. Shawn Marion
-1 3rd team=+1
-2 all star games=+2
-1 season 20+ pts=+1
-2 seasons 10+ rbs=+2
-3 seasons 2+ stls=+3
-Name recognition=+4
-Career point=+5
-Coolness=+6
-Total=24
23. Yao Ming
-1 3rd team=+1
-3 all star games=+3
-1 season 2+ blks=+1
-Name recognition=+8
-Career point=+6
-Coolness=+7
-Total=26
22. Steve Nash
-1 1st team, 2 3rd teams=+5
-1 MVP=+3
-3 all star games=+3
-1x asst leader=+1
-1 season 10+ asst=+1
-Name recognition=+6
-Career point=+5
-Coolness=+3
-Total=27
21. Peja Stojakovic
-1 2nd team=+2
-3 all star games=+3
-4 seasons 20+ pts=+4
-Name recognition=+3
-Career point=+9
-Coolness=+7
-Total=28
Steve Nash is a two time MVP, including one MVP during the Dark Ages. So Steve Nash was a first option on a team right? Wrong. I’m here to tell you right now Steve Nash doesn’t win those MVP’s without Amar’e, Joe Johnson, (gasp) Quentin Richardson and (double gasp) Mike “Does anyone still want me” D’Antoni. Steve Nash is an all-time great point guard, but the mistake the Suns made was thinking they needed to build the team around him. The Suns should have built that team around Amar’e, and probably would of if not for a string of bad luck injuries. Steve Nash is like ground beef in a taco. Sure, he makes every other ingredient better, but is he really more important than the tortilla(Amar’e)? Not to mention, there are fish tacos, chicken tacos, hell even turkey meat tacos. The ground beef is the best option, but it is not the only option that will make the taco work. That’s Steve Nash.
As for the rest of the group, Baron scores cool points for being a fat point guard who could score at will. Shawn Marion is still somehow playing for what looks to be another championship caliber team in the Cavaliers and still has a great nickname “Matrix”. He might be higher on this list if not for this text exchange with NBA guru Eliot Sill:
ME: Is Shawn Marion a Hall of Famer?
Eliot: No
(Eliot was right, I immediately regretted asking this).
Yao Ming falls into the same category as Grant Hill in that you wonder what could have been if he stayed healthy. At his best, Yao was a deadly offensive weapon with size and skill only ever matched by Yian Jianlian(guys I swear I’m kidding). Peja tops this group because Peja was the secret weapon on those amazingly cool Kings teams that went toe-to-toe with the Lakers during the latter’s dynasty(and got screwed). The only thing keeping Peja from moving up on this list is that his release point on NBA2K is one of the all-time most difficult to figure out. Sorry Peja, but that pisses me off.
The “I Secretly Always Hated Him” Group
20. Karl Malone
-1 1st team, 1 2nd Team, 1 3rd team=+6
-1 MVP=+3
-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5
-3 all star games=+3
-Name recognition=+7
-Career Pt.=+4
-Coolness=+2
-Total=30
Ugh. Believe me guys and gals, I tried really hard to fudge the numbers on this one and move Karl Malone back on this list, but this was the best I could do. You could say I feel bad for Karl Malone for never winning a championship, but you would be wrong. You could say how excited you were when he formed the original super team with Kobe, Shaq, and Gary Payton on the Lakers, but you would be stupid. Don’t lie, you loved when the Pistons won the championship over them that year. Karl Malone seems like a man that always aspired to be a Hell’s Angel but had to settle for playing basketball. Also, he had John Stockton, and his game was way to efficient to be enjoyable. Go to hell Karl Malone.
Zane Writes Well 