Which NFL Player is Your (Least)Favorite Game of Thrones Character?

We here at The Heem Teem have learned to take our “jobs” very seriously.  As George Washington Carver once said, “With great heem, comes great responsibility.”  That’s why we’re constantly busting our asses to stay one step ahead of our readers.  We pride ourselves in offering you content you want and need before you even know you want and need it.  Remember when you were wondering whether your favorite NFL QB was a stoner or not?  Of course you don’t, because we answered that before you even realized it’s the only thing in the world you’d ever wanted to know.

It’s what we do, and today is no different, because in the very deep, dark crevices of your shining subconscious, you’ve always wanted to know what NFL player your favorite(and least favorite) Game of Thrones character would be.  Well (subconsciously) wonder no more.  Heem Teem writers Zane and Myles are back to help ease you through these scalding summer days when all you want is a new GoT episode and a good week for your fantasy team.  This is the official pairing of Game of Thrones and the NFL the world has been begging for.

Jon Snow is…TONY ROMO

                                  

WHY: Both are maddeningly skilled talents AND leaders of men(sorry Jay Cutler), and both consistently do really, really stupid things.  Jon and Tony are consistently banged up and bruised, but find ways to continue advancing.

Message to Tony: If Dez Bryant comes running in to the film room while you’re doing game prep, telling you that Terrell Owens has returned, do not follow him.  I repeat…DO NOT FOLLOW HIM.  Bryant, Jason Witten, Darren McFadden and Jerry Jones are going to pull out long knives and take turns stabbing you “For the ‘Boys’”.  Just tell Dez you’re busy, trust me.

Arya Stark is…BRANDON MERRIWEATHER

WHY: If you haven’t noticed, Arya doesn’t really like those pesky “rules” when it gets in the way of her kill list.  Brandon Merriweather, on the other hand, has been suspended six times in 8 seasons for going for the kill shot on defenseless receivers.

Message to Brandon: Arya has already gone blind, if you continue to ignore the “helmet-to-helmet” rules, you just might too.  Don’t go blind Brandon.

Ramsay Bolton is…RICHARD SHERMAN

WHY: Because both absolutely fucking suck and are pretty much unanimously despised.  They don’t shut up, they’re never up to any good, and worst of all, they continue to succeed in life.

Message to Richard: This is not a good thing, Richie.  I know you’re currently reading this with a beaming smile of pride on your face, and that’s why we hate you.

Joffrey Baratheon is…ROGER GOODELL

WHY: If you’re asking why you have probably wandered into the wrong Heem Teem piece for you.

Message to Rog: Straighten up, idiot, and if Pacman Jones or Adrian Peterson offers you a taste of their famous homemade pigeon pie, eat it.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Ned Stark is…PEYTON MANNING:

WHY:  Too noble and good to last forever.  No I don’t think Ned Stark was ever too into doing comedic commercials for the Westerosi equivalent of Papa John’s, but both were betrayed by the kingdom they gave their life too, in Ned’s case the Seven Kingdoms, in Peyton’s the Indianapolis Colts.  Both Ned and Peyton have had well documented neck problems as well.

Message to Peyton: If I were you I’d be careful trusting John Elway too much.  He’s always had a crush on your wife since they were little kids and will do anything to protect his legacy and further his power stronghold.

Tywin Lannister is…BILL BELICHICK

WHY: Another one that was almost too easy.  Ruthlessly efficient? Yep.  The personalities of a bologna sandwich?  Sure.  Willing to do whatever it takes to win, whether that means deflating footballs or orchestrating a wedding massacre with a few strokes of the pen?  No problem for these two.  You don’t like them, they’re great at their jobs, and they definitely do not have time for things like ‘fun’ or ‘smiling’.

Message to Bill: Listen, Billy Boy, I don’t know you.  I don’t know if you have a dwarf son who you’ve mistreated your entire life and would do anything to see murdered.  I really have no clue.  All I’m saying is that if you do have a dwarf son, do not sleep with said dwarf son’s favorite whore.  Also, if you’re going to the privy, take your crossbow with you.  You never know when that dwarf son you’ve just sentenced to death will come in the men’s room looking for revenge.

Theon Greyjoy is…CARMELO ANTHONY

WHY: Yes, we know Carmelo doesn’t play football.  However, Melo, like Theon, found himself in a cold and snowy place far away from his birthplace.  Both were always destined to be the 3rd best among their peers, Melo behind ‘Bron and D-Wade, Theon behind Robb and Jon.  Eventually, a nagging feeling of being underappreciated consumed the two so they left for more glory only to find out they each made the worst decision of their lives(Carmelo with the Knicks, Theon with Ramsay).  Torture, in Theon’s case literally, ensues, to the point where each becomes a sympathetic loser.  You’re not necessarily rooting for them, but you want to see the torture stop.  It’s gone on long enough.

Message to ‘Melo: James Dolan is kind of your Ramsay Bolton dude.  Jus’ sayin….

Robb Stark is…RICKY WILLIAMS

WHY: Ricky and Robb each made decisions they knew would haunt them, and they both did it in the name of love.  Robb loved his fiancé more than the Frey girl he was supposed to marry, so he said forget the Frey’s and married her.  Ricky loved weed, even though he knew it would get him in trouble, so he said fuck the NFL and kept smoking weed.  Ricky is at least alive, though.

Message to Ricky: Don’t listen to your mom, man, like about anything.  Just ignore her.  You are the King of the Ganj Ricky, KING OF THE GANJ.

Jorah Mormont is…LeBRON JAMES

WHY: No, he’s not a football player, but he’s football player sized.  Jorah, like LeBreezy, betrayed the one he loved and became despised by those he had once served so loyally.  Eventually, he worked his way back into the arms of Khaleesi like LeBron did with Cleveland, and helped her out of a dire situation and became a trusted member of the team once again.

Message to LeBron: If you have Greyscale, don’t let that shit linger man.  The NBA might have let Magic Johnson back, but Greyscale is a different beast.

Rickon Stark is…L.A. FOOTBALL

WHY: Because we may never see either again.

Message to L.A. Football: Where are you bro?  You can trust me.  Where are you?

Hodor is…ROB GRONKOWSKI

WHY: Seemingly gentle and fun-loving giants who becomes violent when it’s ride or die time.  Both are missing most of their brain cells.  Plus, it’s really fun to imagine Gronk only being able to say the word ‘gronk’.

Message to Gronk: Hodor?

The Hound is…ELI MANNING

WHY: Each is a less talented version than his older brother.

Message to Eli: It could have been a lot worse dude.  It’s not like Peyton held your face to a fire for stealing/playing with his favorite toy.

Ser Barristan is…BRETT FAVRE

WHY: Both are dead now, I think, *checking…* ok so Favre is still technically alive but still.  Both served one team forever before being forced out to accommodate new bosses and younger talent.  Each then switched to the rival squad and served loyally before having their bodies permanently damaged and destroyed.

Message to Brett: …I got nothing.  Just glad to know you’re still alive brotha.  How do you feel about playing for the Bear-WHAT?  I’M JUST ASKING…

Tyrion Lannister is…PETE CARROLL?

WHY: Why not?  Tyrion is a difficult one to peg, but this comes fairly close.  Both have been doubted at every level they’ve been put in charge only to continue to succeed and survive.  Both seem like fun dudes to get a beer with, in no small part because each is generally capable of staying upbeat and happy.

Message to Pete: Daddy doesn’t love you.

Stannis Baratheon is…JIM HARBAUGH

WHY: Way too intense, leads team to the brink but can’t get over the hump.  Both were ultimately abandoned by their squads and left to die(or you know, go to Michigan).

Message to Jim: Listen, guy, don’t burn your daughter at the stake.  We all know you’re capable of this kind of intense stupidity.  Don’t do it.  Michigan can rise again without you going that far.  Untie your daughter, get rid of the wood pyre, and just act like you didn’t almost do what we know you almost did.  Be coo, Jim.

Tommen Baratheon is…MARK SANCHEZ

WHY: Thrust into the spotlight before being ready, both Tommen and Sanchez are also huge pussies, and really like pussy.

Message to Mark: Even Tommen hasn’t had anything as bad as the butt fumble.  Just wanted to remind you about the butt fumble.  Butt fumble.

You are all so welcome.

This is what we have, but we know there is more.  Send your suggestions to The Heem Teem Facebook page or email us at heemteem217@gmail.com.

Valar morghulis.

TRUE DETECTIVE IS BACK…LET’S TALK ABOUT IT(EPISODE 3)

Well, color me confused and a wee bit frustrated.  It would stand to reason, that a show that so deliberately plods along through the first three episodes would be much easier to digest than this.  It’s not that the show hasn’t been appetizing or palatable, but as I continue to chew up and swallow what I’m being fed, the process of actually breaking it all down is proving difficult.

It’s not that I’m completely out on this season, either.  Sure, I think the coming episodes could and should pick up slightly from its current ‘sea turtle with a bad hip’ pace, but I have enough confident in the writers and creator Nick Pizzolatto to believe this will happen.  What I’m struggling most with is the never-ending barrage of rubber shotgun pellets being fired at me from point blank range and the struggle to identify the what and the why from it all.  Like Velcoro waking up in a haze trying to figure out who the hell shot him and why he’s still alive, I’m having difficulty parsing the important information from the distractions.  There’s just so many characters, so many angles and so much unknown to really have a clue what this season is even trying to do, yet.

It’s a mistake to integrate your lasting impressions of True Detective Season 1 with the Season 2 viewing experience.  It’s unfair to the actors, writers, and director of the show as well as a disservice to your self.  If this show has gone out of it’s way to make any one thing clear it’s that Cohle and Hart ain’t walking through that door and it’s time to take off the Carcosa tinged glasses.  We’re not in Louisiana anymore.  Season 1 had a clear direction.  It was a thoroughly thought out story, one can imagine, long before Matt and Woody ever signed on.  It was clean viewing.  Season 2, on the other hand, can feel cobbled.  It would be too early to use the word unfocused, but it lacks clarity.  But, in many ways, this is the closest nod to Season 1 we’re being given.

Whereas the entire tripped out, slow-panic feel of Season 1 came from the specific traits of it’s two titular characters, the same can now be said about Season 2.  Yes, it’s moving slowly so far.  It lacks motivation.  The same can be said about Velcoro, Bezzerides, and Woodrugh.  They’re on the case, but they’re not really IN the case.  It’s impossible to get a feel for what it would really mean for any of these three to find Caspere’s killer.  They lack inspiration.  They also lack clarity, they lack purpose in their movements; the same exact thing can be said about this season in general.  It’s scatter-brained.  It has slowly started to crush down its secret stash of Adderall and mix it in with those whiskey and cokes.  The result is that the body moves slow while the brain darts from one place to the next, never fixating, or differentiating, between what has meaning and what is just a passing thought.  It’s a complicated and uncomfortable way to lay out a story…but it can work.

This is not a detective story, not yet at least.  As I discussed in each of the first two recaps, this is a story about detectives.  Now, it’s becoming clear that this isn’t a thorough enough description.  This is a detective story, about detectives, AND the numerous superiors, underlings, friends, and criminals that all have a piece of control in this thing.  It’s as much about the Frank Semyon’s, Ray Velcoro’s, Ani Bezzerides’ and Paul Woodrugh’s as much as it’s about that unhinged mayor and his son, or that creepy assistant of Frank’s, or his other creepy assistant, or Bezzerides’ overbearing superiors and her wayward sister.  It’s as much about the death of Ben Caspere as it is about the life of Ray’s “son” or father.  It is about all of these people and circumstances and the lack of breathing space any of them can or will afford the others.  They’re suffocating each other, sometimes knowingly, sometimes not, and they’re suffocating us the viewers.

Are you confused yet?  Good.

It’s all one big game, but the sides haven’t been picked yet, and therefore we don’t know which goal each character will be shooting at.  However, we do know the players and we know the stakes.  The pregame show is wrapping up.  Now roll the ball out there and let them run, dammit.

True Detective Is Back…Let’s Talk About Episode 2

When I was in the 7th or 8th grade, a new and exciting trend came about and thankfully died as quickly as it started.  Basically, a person would take one of those pink erasers, and…well, erase their skin.  Seriously, a small group of friends and myself took turns erasing the skin off our hands.  Yes, we were a special sort of dumb, no way around it.  It’s without a doubt the closest my parents have ever come to putting me up for adoption.  Actually, they went through with the whole adoption process, but who the hell is going to adopt a moron who thinks it’s ok to see if he can really erase a patch of his own skin?  The worst thing about it, besides the pain, was that there was absolutely no purpose to it.  We weren’t in to self-harming and we weren’t trying to be cool or rebellious; we just wanted to see if it really worked.  The promise of a giant scab WAS the payoff to slowly rubbing that eraser on our skin for a few minutes.  That, and a scar that lasted for years.

Why am I telling you this very embarrassing story?  Well one, I started to feel like my readers were hero-worshipping me a little too much and I wanted to assure you all that even I am not entirely perfect.  More importantly, this anecdote is a good analogy for the first two episodes of this season of True Detective.  We still don’t know a whole lot about Velcoro, Bezzerides, Woodrugh, or Vince Vaughn’s Frank Semyon, but we know enough to know that they are scabs.  Life’s circumstances have rubbed these characters raw long ago, and the only thing they can do is to pick at these scabs or wait for the wounds to scar over.

Moreover, the most compelling part of Season 2 to date is trying to figure out why they’ve been burned so badly, and what parts of them have been erased.  The “main plot”, the murder of Ben Caspere’s murder, hasn’t really picked up steam yet.  I’m not sure I even care about them finding out who did it, because this Caspere guy was a POS and so were all the people he screwed over.  What I’m more interested in is what happened to Paul Woodrugh with Black Mountain, and what he’s so desperately running from.  I want to know why exactly Ani is so shut-off, and what traumatic experiences from her strange childhood made her this way.  I need to know what happened to Ray Velcoro after he killed the man who raped his wife.  I have to discover what he learned during that experience that turned him into THIS.

And lastly, I’d really like to find out what made tough-guy Semyon into a wannabe legitimate businessman that finds himself getting played at every corner.  We know a little about these character’s pasts, but I want to know more, because right now they’re not interesting enough in the present.

I guess, to continue the motif, I’ve seen the scabs and the scars, but I’m far more interested in the erasers that burned them.

So that’s where we’re at after two episodes, but we haven’t really gone anywhere yet.  This doesn’t mean we haven’t been given enough rope to tie our own knots though.  Let’s take a look at three of the more captivating issues we’ve had set before us so far.

First, we’ll recklessly attempt to tie together circumstantial evidence to fit our own narrative.  Then, we’ll do the reasonable thing and talk ourselves down from our wild speculations.  Let’s tackle the most pressing issue first…

1. Is Velcoro dead?

-No way.  Nope.  Unh huh.  Sorry, but there is absolutely no chance Colin Farrell signed up for this show only to get killed after two episodes.  This is True Detective, not Game of Thrones; you can’t just kill off main characters like that.  Listen, I don’t know how he’s still alive, but he is. Maybe those weren’t bullets he was shot with?  Maybe, they were just rubber bullets meant to knock him out.  Maybe, he was wearing a bulletproof vest that protected him from what appeared to be certain death by stomach bullets.  Whatever happened, Detective Ray Velcoro is alive and ready to thrive.

-Stop it dude, just stop it.  He’s gone.  No man can he take two shots to the stomach, one at point blank range, and survive.  They Ned Stark’d his ass and there’s nothing more to it.  It would appear that Semyon set his ass up.  Why?  Perhaps he felt Velcoro was getting a bit soft.  Then again, maybe he had no idea at all.  Semyon could be getting played himself and this is just another attack at his own livelihood.  Also, this doesn’t necessarily mean the end of Colin Farrell in True Detective.  The show utilized flashbacks to perfection in Season 1, and we’ve already gotten a look at a younger Ray Velcoro in Episode 1 of this season.  He’s dead, and now it’s up to Woodrugh and Bezzerides to put the pieces together.  I’d start with the mayor, he seems shady.

2. Is Woodrugh gay?

 -Yes, absolutely he is.

Piece of evidence #1: He needs penis pills to get it up, despite his girlfriend being a total smoke.

Piece of evidence #2: He tells some story, unsolicited, about how some “fag” was hitting on him and he almost had to beat his ass.  First off, no one uses that word anymore unless they’re trying to convince themselves they’re not gay.  Secondly, he’s clearly overcompensating and trying to impress the drunken manly man Detective Dixon, which is what made Dixon’s response “Now why would you do a thing like that?” so much more hilarious and on point.

Piece of evidence #3: That last scene of his, staring at some partying gay men walking down the street, and at one vulnerable youngster who gets dropped off on the corner especially.

He’s gay.  That’s cool.  But he’s gay, and this will end up mattering somehow.

-This will never hold up in the court of law.  Ok, maybe I should rephrase that, because no one is being put on trial for being gay here.  Your evidence just sucks.  Let’s break it down.

#1(He needs penis pills): Or maybe those weren’t boner beans at all.  It could have been a Xanax, Morphine, or any other pill in the world.  Even if it is a hard-on helper, that doesn’t make him gay.  He’s been through some shit, if you haven’t noticed.  He might(definitely does) have PTSD from his time with this Black Mountain group, which could be hurting his sex drive.  He might just be extremely stressed out.  Let’s also not rule out Woodrugh wanting to make that particular sexing extra special.  Moving on…

#2(The story) and #3(The eyeballing): We can’t rule out that Woodrugh isn’t just a dangerous homophobe.  It’s entirely possible he really will beat up a gay man for hitting on him, or that he was actually eyeballing the gay corner boy with disgust.  We’d all like to think better of Woodrugh, but you can’t rule out the easiest answer.  One possibility is that the kid on the corner reminded him of his own childhood.  Based on the brief scene with his mom in the trailer, it didn’t appear he grew up under the best circumstances.  If he’s gay, fine, but I’m not ready to jump to that conclusion yet.

3. Was Bezzerides sexually abused as a child?

-Yes, sadly she was.  For one, this wouldn’t be an unprecedented thing to happen at a cultish commune like the one she grew up in.  That stuff has happened in real life more than anyone likes to admit.  Also, her sister is in to doing WebCam’s and has a past of drug addiction, which may have been a result of her trying to distance herself from the horrors of childhood.  Ani, meanwhile, has some weird sexual shit of her own going on.  The first time we met her, she had just freaked out her boytoy by requesting some sexual act he wasn’t super comfortable with.  Then we find her at the end of last night’s episode watching some porn while doing casework.  She has a sexually scarred past and it’s manifesting itself into some freaky sexual shit in her adulthood.  Two family members committed suicide.  Guilt, mayhaps?

-First off, bro, everyone watches porn.  Who hasn’t sat in a hotel room with a glass of wine and surfed the interweb for the naughty stuff?  Listen, something definitely happened in her past, but these are some ridiculous conclusions you’ve reached here.  She freaked that dude out?  Could’ve been anything, doesn’t make her some sort of repressed sexual deviant running from a past of abuse.  In fact, it could all be the opposite of what you’re saying.  Maybe they were overly sheltered and discouraged to express their sexuality.  It’s too soon to start predicting some sort of sexual abuse in Ani’s past.  Plus, her dad seemed like a real gentle soul(ok I’m lying he seemed like a total creep).

See you next week.  I should have my Vecoro-esque mustache looking plush by then.

True Detective is Back…Let’s Talk About It

True Detective is back…let’s talk about it

That’s right, everyone’s favorite smoke-filled, whiskey spillin’, gun-totin’ bad nightmare of a miniseries, True Detective, is back for a new season.  Gone is the phenomenal pairing of macho man Marty Hart(Woody Harrelson) and the sublimely odd Rust Cohle(Matthew McConaughey).  In their place we get Ray Velcoro(Colin Farrell), Ani Bezzerides(Rachel McAdams) and Paul Woodrugh(Taylor Kitsch).

At it’s best, True Detective first season was nothing less than a bad acid trip, eight hours of anxiety and an unexplainable fear of dark things that never fully materialized.  There was an uneasiness that accompanied its viewing that even the most cynical of Game of Thrones seasons has yet to achieve.  True Detective Season 1 was nauseous.  It worked too, until they actually had to wrap up the season.  I won’t dwell on it, but I never warmed up to the last couple episodes of Season 1, and felt like I’d just put myself through an emotional ringer without the reciprocatory payoff that I’d earned.  I’d just spent 8 hours absorbing all the bad vibes without the transcendental parting of the storm clouds I felt I was being promised.

Season 2, at least after one episode, is less LSD and more a slow slide into the depths of alcoholism.  I liked it.  It wasn’t necessarily thrilling, and it definitely didn’t have any more silver lining its clouds than did Season 1.  It was more the slow burn of a double wrapped joint that won’t stay together, Detective Velcoro clumsily holding it together so he can steal a few last hits before intimidating the local junior high bully.

Episode 1 gave us a glimpse into the slowly deteriorating SoCal environment this season is set in, but most intriguing to myself, it gave us our first look at the main characters and the famous actors that have taken on these roles.  True Detective, for better or worse, is a star powered show.  Seeing movie stars like Harrelson and McConaughey dominate the screen last season was ultimately more compelling than the actual plot.  Every second they were on the television was enthralling to the point that the show could have stunk, like, full on blown, and it still would have been worth the hour spent every week just to see Woody and Matt.  This season offers the same caliber of big names in big roles, and if Episode 1 is any indication, they came to ball.  Going over plot summary is boring, and especially useless after an episode like this, when almost every second was spent shaping these characters, so let’s dive into the big four actors featured so far and how I think they’ll compete on this show.

THE SUPERSTARS:

-I am so excited to continue watching McAdams and Farrell dive deeper into these roles.  I thought both were fantastic in the premiere and from both an acting chops and character potential standpoint, there’s no reason anything should change.  Both have been given the emotionally complicated and layered roles that Matt and Woody had last season, and both took no time making these roles their own.

We got more of Farrell this episode, and my god, he went from sympathetic to terrifying faster than he downed that bottle of (I’m assuming) whiskey at the dive bar he treats as his personal hostel.  Farrell’s role is juicy, no doubt.  He’s a cop who has experienced significant trauma(his ex-wife was raped, possibly became pregnant as a result), yet we don’t know enough about the man he was before to determine whether he’s really taken a full good guy to bad guy turn.  We know he cares about his kid, whether it’s his kid or not, and we know that that love doesn’t exactly manifest itself in positive ways.  We don’t know if he’s a killer, but we know he’s willing to bust a bully’s dad down with brass knuckles and beat up a journalist for the appropriate payoff.  Farrell, and that glorious moustache, brings a more visceral pleasure to his character than the equally fucked up yet more introspective Rust Cohle did in Season 1.

McAdams on the other hand, had less to work with, but her first scene, getting rid of her overly clingy booty call after some sort of (almost?) kinky sex that she likes “sometimes” told me everything about the bulldog mindset she’s bringing to her character Ani.  She’s no more happy with her life than Detective Velcoro, and her past is just as mysterious.  I loved seeing her get escorted out of some backroad casino, flicking off the bouncers and tossing her drink for good measure.  The best part is now that these two appear to have been brought together as partners, they can only get better, and most likely, more unhappy.

That’s the hardest thing to accept about True Detective; there’s a very good chance the main characters will never smile, and even if they do there’s an incalculable pain and sadness behind it.  Nevertheless, this is LeBron and D-Wade joining forces in Miami at their peaks, combining and remolding their considerable skills for the greater good(you didn’t think I’d write a whole piece without an NBA mention, did you?).

THE RISING STAR:

-If Farrell and McAdams are LeBron and D-Wade, Taylor Kitsch as Paul Woodrugh is Klay Thompson.  In other words, he’s fairly one-dimensional, but when put in the right role with the right supporting cast he continues to surprise and do things you didn’t know he could do.  I really only remember Kitsch from Oliver Stone’s Savages, and it appears he’s pretty much playing the same badass, emotionally deficient, good guy character all over again.  Perfect.  Seriously, perfect.  Like all the characters introduced in last night’s episode, we still have a lot to learn about Woodrugh’s murky past, but Kitsch’s depersonalized performance is intriguingly haunting.  We might not learn much about Kitsch’s range, but every great show needs a talented guy to accept his role as the character actor and revel in one-dimensionality.  Kitsch did that to perfection Sunday night, and whether he adds more layers to his character or stays as stone-eyed as he was in Episode 1, he appears up to the task.

RIGHT GUY, WRONG ROLE:

-I was excited about Vince Vaughn being in this season.  I was even more excited to find out he would be “the villain”.  My excitement kept rising when the first trailers came out, with Vaughn’s gaunt and sunken eyes looking perfectly villainy and mischievous.  An hour in to this season and I am 99% sure this casting doesn’t work.  He just doesn’t have it in him.  The first time he opened his mouth it was apparent.

Sometimes, there’s a reason people have been comedic actors their whole life.  It’s a different skill, and Vince Vaughn is very very good at being funny.  On top of that, I understood the casting, I mean he LOOKS like a villain.  But, the menace just isn’t there.  You know who’s menacing?  That creepy assistant of his.  You know who else was menacing?  That (Russian?) dude that has him by the balls.  Even his wife, played by Kelly Reilly, scared me more than Vaughn’s character.  He just doesn’t have the intensity to nail this role, and no matter how badass or evil they make him, I just don’t think I’ll be sold.  I hope I’m wrong, and one episode in is hardly enough time to be 99% sure about anything, but every scene he occupied last night took me out of the show.  Maybe, it’s just the shock of seeing Vince Vaughn so serious and unhappy.  Maybe, it’s just a result of knowing Vince Vaughn so well as the funny guy.  Maybe, I’m applying my own expectations of this character’s arc onto Vaughn’s initial performance.  Maybe.  Maybe, Vaughn isn’t all that good at this.  We’ll see.

Stop looking for those answers at the bottom of the bottle and come back next week as I discuss episode 2.

Enter the iTunes

ITunes is tight.  Real tight.  It takes all the music I want and it puts it in once place and it never complains when I add a Miley Cyrus song or listen to Gucci Mane all day.  It lets me shuffle songs when I’m indecisive, and allows me to build playlists in a matter of seconds when I know exactly what I want.  As of today, I have 10,498 songs in my ITunes library, most of them rap.  I have collected these songs over 10 years, since my first iPod Mini.  Most of the songs are rap.  An even greater percentage of them I never paid for.  Shoutout to Limewire.  Shoutout to Frostwire.  Shoutout to the fuckin Google.

I have heard 95% of these songs.  Some of them I haven’t listened to, so says my ITunes.  For the most part my ITunes is wrong.  I’ve either heard the song and never played it all the way through in my ITunes, or only listened to the song on my various IPods and never synced it.  Sometimes I downloaded a whole album and never got to the filler.

Something about these unplayed songs nags at me.  I start to feel it’s not right to have music I’ve never listened to.  Since last year around this time I’ve made it my mission to ensure every song in my ITunes library has been played at least once. Today, I felt like sharing the fun, but often frustrating process of listening to unplayed songs.

So here’s what I did.  Starting from the top of my ITunes, filtered in alphabetical order by artist, I scrolled down hard.  If my mouse landed on an unplayed song, I added it to a playlist and kept scrolling.  If at any time my mouse landed on a song that had been played before, I also kept scrolling.  I did this all the way down my ITunes and all the way back up.  The result was an…eh…interesting and eclectic mix of songs, sixteen of them total, all unplayed(though not all unknown).  What follows is a running log of my thoughts and feelings while listening to this playlist for the first time, as well as a 1-16 ranking of each song.  So hop on and ride the roller coaster that was this playlist with me, re-living every agonizing song and head bobbing along to the bangers.  This is the first edition of “Enter the Itunes”.  Enjoy.

“Soul Rebel Keep On Moving”

Bob Marley

-It sounds like every single other Bob Marley song pretty much.

-This song is really depressing, basically this guy committed a crime and is on the run.

Previously heard?: No

Memorable lyrics: “ I’ve got two boys and a woman/They’re just gonna suffer now/Lord, forgive me for not goin’ back/But I’ll be there anyhow”

Currently feeling: Blue, I thought Bob Marley was all about smoking the pots and being happy?

Rank: 16

“What Them Girls Like”

Chris Webby/Optimus Rhyme(Mixtape)

-Chris Webby is not the way I wanted to bounce back from these soul rebel blues.

-I can’t decide if this song is hilarious or irritating.

-A: Irritating…

-Swine flu just got a mention…

Previously heard?: Yes

Memorable lyrics: 

“It ain’t T-ball but it’s still easy to hit them/Cuz I know what women want call me Mel Gibson”

“I ball hard but not in the Kobe context, I’m collecting v-cards like a pokemon deck, mothafucka”

Currently feeling: Irritated.  Chris Webby’s voice can have that affect, especially Chris Webby’s voice in songs about how totally laid he gets.  I am now blue and irritated.  Great start.

Rank: 15

“Napoleon”

CyHi The Prynce/Black Hystori Month

-I never liked this mixtape.

-Random thought “This is Cyhi at his Dr. Seussiest.

-He just used every word that ends in –ium –eon –ion and –ium.

-Anchovian is not a word, but it should be.

Previously heard?: No

Memorable lyrics:

“In America niggas dyin over pussy/In the middle east they dyin over petroleum”

“Back then I wasn’t that smart, but I went to classes overseas, now all I do is study a broad”- Wow.  Cyhi probable patted himself on that back for this one.  He then has the audacity to ask “Get it?  Study a broad.”  I’m getting glum.

Currently feeling: Glum.  Just glum.

Rank: 11

“Nunbout ft. Cooley”

Future/Astronaut Status

-Will absolutely be yelling “I don’t know nunbout chu” in my head all day.  I’m already in love with this song.

-Never heard Cooley.

-“I don’t know nunbout chu.  I don’t know nunbout chu.  I don’t know nunbout chu.”

-This song made me so happy.  Future is fun.

Previously Heard?: Yes

Memorable Lyrics: “Ok I wake up in the morning with a bitch I don’t even know/And it’s sunday morning and church I don’t even go.”  Cooley, whoever you are, I hope your grandma ain’t listening to this.

Currently feeling: Like “cashing out them chickens.”

Rank: 1

“Enchanted ft. Omen”

J. Cole/Friday Night Lights

-Going back and listening to J.Cole I actually liked is so weird considering he’s cornier than Iowa these days.

-It kind of makes sense this song doesn’t have a listen on here.  It’s very average for J.Cole, especially at the time.

-Omen just spent a whole verse saying absolutely nothing.

Previously heard?: Yes

Memorable Lyrics: None.  Nothing memorable happened.

Currently feeling: Brain-dead.

Rank: 14

“Do It Again”

Lil’ Wayne

-Don’t ever remember this time.  It says it’s from 2010.

-He just really wants to “do it again” with this mysterious girl

-This song is dope, I can’t believe it came out after he got out of prison.

-I will definitely try to remember to listen to this song again.

Previously Heard?: No

Memorable Lyrics: “Yes I remember/So vividly/How we would be/When we lay/And my then blue skies/Were no longer gray/She so brightened up my day”  Wayne’s stilted flow is the real winner of this song.

Currently feeling: Pleased.  It’s always nice to reminded what Weezy once was.

Rank: 4

“Date Rape”

Sublime/40 Oz. To Freedom

-Probably the first Sublime song I ever heard.

-If you don’t know this song, the title says it all.

-At least the dude gets what he deserved.

Previously Heard?: Yes

Memorable Lyrics: “The moral of the date rape story, it does not pay to be drunk and horny”

Currently feeling: Icky.

Rank: 12

“Picture Me Rollin’ ft. Big Skye, CPO & Danny Boy”

2Pac/All Eyez On Me

-Great song.

-Big Skye is the fuckin man.

-CPO is the fuckin man.

-Just a great “squad song”.  Just get the team together and talk about ballin’.  A formula that never fails.

Previously Heard?: Of course

Memorable lyrics: “I get the liquor, and you could get the females/This crooked shit that we inflicting getting street sales!”

Currently feeling: Dope.  2pac makes me feel dope.

Rank: 3

“You a Shooter ft. Mobb Deep”

50 Cent/’Get Rich or Die Tryin’ Soundtrack

-Mobb Deep is always nice, I don’t have an album listed for this.

-Researching it is confusing, can’t figure out if it’s a Fitty or mobb song.

-50 never spit a verse, just killed it on the hook.

-Ok, it’s from the ‘Get Rich or Die Tryin” soundtrack.

Previously Heard?: No

Memorable Lyrics: “If you killa then kill somethin’/You talkin’ all day, frontin’/ Killin’ nutin you niggaz iz real gay/….Prodigy has played very few games in his life.

Currently feeling: Tough.  Fuck you lookin’ at?

Rank: 8

“30,000 Ft”

XV/The Yellow Brick Road to SXSW

-Oh man I forgot how much I love this beat.

-For any of you unfamiliar with XV I suggest you go familiarize yourself.

Previously Heard?: Absolutely

Memorable Lyrics: My-my how fifteen minutes fly by/They tellin’ me I rep it and I just reply “I try”/They know just where my head is where my head is where I’m headed is the sky

Currently feeling: Invincible.

Rank: 2

“Welcome Back to the Trap”

T.I./Fuck a Mixtape

-Tip’s first mixtape out of prison, TIp came back raw as fuck.

-This song feels like a throwaway compared to the more complete songs on this tape.

Previously Heard?: Yes

Memorable Lyrics: “Hoes say I got the big head cause I got a big dick/Don’t believe if I say it go and ask his bitch (she’ll tell it)”

Currently feeling: Content.  We’re on a good run here.

Rank: 10

“More Trife Life”

Mobb Deep/Hell on Earth

-Can never go wrong with more mobb.

-“A rainy day laid up thinkin’ sitting gettin’ bent.” Best first line of any song on this list, maybe best first line ever.  Completely sets the mood.

-Mobb Deep is one of those sounds where you don’t even need to have ever heard of them, you hear a song and automatically know “That’s New York City in the 90s shit.”

-Always ominous(that should be their next album name).

Previously Heard?: No

Memorable Lyrics: “Turned the VCR on Friday, my favorite flick/Offer me a drink Alaze I take a sip”….Just in case you forgot that Mobb Deep is old.

Currently feeling: Gritty AF!  Ready to flip a couple pigeons to feed my fam.

Rank: 5

“Hova Song Intro”

Jay-Z/Vol. 3 Life and Times of S. Carter

-Stahhhhp.

-HOVA!!!!!

-This is an intro…

-Every intro needs a talking part, this is no exception.

Previously Heard?: No

Memorable Lyrics: It doesn’t matter, he just oozed more swagger than most of us will ever encounter in a lifetime.

Currently feeling: Unstoppable

Rank: 9

“Celebration”

Das Racist/Relax

-Why did these guys break up?

-First time I ever heard of Das Racist was while DJing for campus radio.  They were under the “Heavy Rotation” category.  Fuckin’ hipsters.  But…I actually like Das Racist.

-The word ‘blah’ has been said more than any other, even ‘Celebration’…

-Strangely enjoyable nonsense.  Basically, every Das Racist song, only with no rapping for this one.

Previously Heard?: Yeah.

Memorable Lyrics: “Blah blah blah blah blah blah but you don’t hear me though.”

Currently feeling: Slightly peeved.  Das Racist just ruined the hard street vibe I had going.  There is a time for Das Racist, but this was not it.

Rank: 13

“Wamp Wamp(What It Do) ft. Slim Thug”

Clipse/Hell Hath No Fury

-Annnndddd right on cue, we’re back to that good shit.

-Clipse and Slim Thug?  And I’m pretty sure I’ve never heard it?  For shame!

-Good lord Slim Thug was blessed with an awesome voice.  Saw him in concert opening up for B.I.G. Krit, total boss.

-Sounds like a Pharrell beat.

-If Slim Thug just did guest chorus’ for the rest of his life, he could become a billionare.  I need him to narrate my life.

-Still don’t know what wamp wamp is/means, but if I had to guess, I would guess…drugs.

Previously Heard?: No

Memorable Lyrics: “Man, I showed up pimpin’ ya cold up/I head straight to the bar just to post up/I roll the ‘dro up, my cup Mo’ed up/Bitch don’t just stand there with your nose up.”  Slim Thug’s hook stole this song, that’s always an accomplishment when Pusha T is involved.

Currently feeling: Thugga.  I feel thugga, ok?

Rank: 6

“Internal Contradiction [The Showdown]”

A.D. Carson/Term One: A Mixtape

-A.D. was a teacher at my high school.  Incredibly talented and smart lyricist.

-I could forreal put every single line on here, it’s all on point.

-Go check out A.D., seriously.

-Serious topics mixed with bravado and upbeat attitude.  Good ending song.

Previously Heard?: No

Memorable Lyrics: “They want rap not a tap dance minstrel show/So they can’t help but wanna follow where my pencil go.”

Currently feeling: Like a champ.  Ready to kick this day’s ass.  Peace.

Rank: 7

-Song not Found on the YouTube-

Basketball Baby Jesus: Cavaliers-Bulls

With the Cleveland Cavaliers and Chicago Bulls set to begin their highly anticipated Eastern Conference Semifinals series tonight, a game many consider to be the East’s play-in game to the NBA Finals, the one and only Basketball Baby Jesus breaks down 10 factors that will determine who moves on.

1. Key Individual-The wording is crucial here.  It’s too easy to pick out one key player, any player really, and justify it.  The key individual here is Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau.  Thibs is the best coach in this series, hands down.  If anyone can figure out a way to dismantle a LeBron led team in ‘Popovichian’ style it’s Thibs.  How will he take advantage of J.R. Smith’s absence?  How will he take advantage of J.R. Smith’s presence?  Will Jimmy Butler guard LeBron all game or just during crunch time?  How Thibs uses his advantage over rookie Cavs coach David Blatt is crucial.

2. It takes two-Controversial statement that isn’t all that controversial…Kyrie Irving is the 2nd best player in this series.  Jimmy Butler would be 3rd and Rose/Pau 4th if you were wondering.  But Kyrie is the only one of those guys capable of going for 45 and winning a game on his own.  He can’t just be good; he has to dominate offensively night in and night out for the Cavs to have a chance, because having the best two players on the floor is the Cavs primary advantage.

3. Third banana-Calling Pau Gasol the 3rd banana on the Bulls is a bit unfair, considering there were long stretches this season with Butler and Rose out where he was THE guy.  But this is playoff time, and helpful or not, Rose is going to have the ball a lot more than Pau (but hopefully not Jimmy).  Pau has to have a great series.  He could see extended stretches with the likes of LeBron James and Kendrick Perkins on him.  In these cases, and even when Timofey Mozgov is guarding him as well, Pau needs to get touches in the paint area.  Also, the matchup to see who complains more to refs throughout the series, Pau or LeBron, is an interesting subplot.

4. Lucky Number-Four is my lucky number, and telling you this is just a way for me to transition into discussing the Cavs own #4, Iman Shumpert.  Shumpert is crucial for the Cavs on both ends of the ball, because if they want to win they’re going to need contributions from these less heralded players.  Shumpert needs to be the player he was in Game 4 against Boston, when he put up a 15 and 10 while going 3 for 4 from the field and 8 of 8 from the line in 38 minutes.  He needs to not be the player from game 3 who only scored 4 points and grabbed one board in 21 minutes.  Shumpert will likely be tasked with guarding Jimmy Butler for most of the game, but needs to be able to provide offensive support, especially getting to the line and knocking down 3’s(he was 40% from deep in Round 1).

5. Starting Five-The Bulls have the advantage here, especially without J.R. Smith playing the first two games because of suspension.  The Bulls will run out Rose-Butler-Dunleavy-Gasol-Noah.  The Cavs will go with Irving-Shumpert (for Smith)-James-Thompson (probably, and for Love)-Mozgov.  Before the injuries to Love and suspension for Smith, the Cavs actually would have had the better starting lineup, talent wise.  The Bulls starting 5 is more comfortable playing together, and play much better team defense.  One note about Thompson starting, which isn’t for sure, is that though he is the best defensive option to matchup with the Bulls, offensively him and Mozgov will clog the lane and fail to provide that stretch option that Love gave opponents fits with.

6. The Old LeBron-I know I know, LeBron switched back to #23 on his return to Cleveland, but I needed something for #6.  LeBron is still, without a doubt (SHUTUP BULLS FANS) the best basketball player on the planet.  He just is.  He is also a notorious Bulls killer come playoff time.  In 15 career games against the Bulls in the playoffs, LeBron is 12-3 while averaging 28/8/7 in those games.  There’s really no reason to think LeBron won’t be the same LeBron as always in this series.  He’s the most skilled, unselfish, ruthless player on the floor, and he knows he’s about to have to turn it up to a new level for this series.  Which take us to #7…

7. What’s in the Box? –Jimmy Butler is going to guard LeBron.  Jimmy Butler is a very, very good defender.  He’s also the most crucial offensive weapon on the floor for the Bulls.  While many have understandably focused on how Butler’s offense will suffer while guarding LeBron for 40+ minutes a game, isn’t it also fair to question how his defense will fare at the end of games after guarding LeBron for 40+ minutes AND trying to score 25 points on the other end?  I’m not saying Jimmy can’t do both of these things, I’m just saying if he does it will be VERY special.  The right thing for the Bulls to do would be to spell Jimmy early and often on defense with Tony Snell, saving the Butler-James matchups until crunch time.

8. Crazy 8’s-Who else could anything labeled crazy be about than the inimitable J.R. Smith.  Disclaimer: As a Dark Ages throwback, the Basketball Baby Jesus LOVES J.R.  The real question though, is just how valuable will Smith’s absence in the first two games, and in however many games come after that, be.  J.R. has undoubtedly been a huge part of the Cavs resurgence since joining the team mid-season, but I think the impact of him sitting out for two games is mitigated by several factors.  The first factor is that he’s J.R. Smith and is just likely to shoot you out of a game (something he’s done much less of as a Cav), as he is to keep you in it.  The second factor is that the Cavs will be playing the two games without him at home, which will help provide an energy boost they’ll need to overcome his absence.  Finally, the fact of the matter is that this is not like losing Love, LeBron or Kyrie for two games, losses that immediately affect the team.  Losing a J.R. Smith won’t really change anything over two games.  If he were to be out for the whole series, than the issue of depth and having to choose between the deadly trio of Matthew Dellevadova, Mike Miller, and James Jones would be meaningful.  That being said, the Bulls have to steal one of these first two games in Cleveland.  Failing to beat the Cavs without J.R. Smith, even in Cleveland, should be seen as a major defeat.

9. Nine Lives-Let’s just all bow our heads and ask the Old Gods (and the New) to keep Derrick Rose healthy throughout this series, and forever more, amen.

10. 2010(2011)-Bulls fans love to talk about this being their first healthy team in a long time.  They’re right, the Bulls haven’t had every key player back for the playoffs (how healthy they are is a different story, but everyone is banged up at this point) since the 2010 Eastern Conference Finals.  Who did they play in 2010?  LeBron James and the Heat.  The Bulls were the #1 seed that year and Derrick Rose was the MVP.  What happened?  The Heat took the series 4-2 before losing to the Mavericks in the Finals.  Most memorable was the job LeBron James did shutting down Derrick Rose’s offensive game.  He was completely boxed up.  I don’t know if LeBron can still do that, or if the matchups will even allow him to try, but that’s always stuck in my head as one of the great “I got this” moments of LeBron’s career.  Now Kyrie has replaced D-Wade, no one has replaced Chris Bosh, and the Bulls have Butler instead of Luol Deng.  Five years later and nothing has really changed.

Prediction: Cavs in 6

These two teams are the perfect foils for each other.  They each have advantages and disadvantages they can tap into.  Basically, I think it’s weak to pick a team to win in 7.  It’s basically saying you have no idea who is going to win.  I really don’t have any idea who will win, but I also can’t get that 2010 series out of my head.  The Bulls love to try and bully LeBron, and I think that gets into their own heads more than it does his.  They start playing out of their element, further helping LeBron along the way.  Did I mention LeBron is playing?  He’s the best player on the floor, it’s not even close, and I think he’s going to play like it.  Kyrie will gain the edge over Rose, and Jimmy Butler and Pau playing great still won’t be enough for the Bulls to overcome LeBron and Kyrie.  I think they split the first two in Cleveland and the second two in Chicago, and then Cleveland wins the next two, finishing out the series at the United Center.  It should be an awesome series with uncommon intensity for a semifinal matchup.  These two teams, LeBron and the Bulls, don’t like each other.  Sit back and enjoy the animosity. 

Through the Eyes of Two Lifers: Spring Training

Zane and Myles are 23 years old and they love the Chicago Cubs.  Really love them.  They also love to text about them.  They think they know what the hell they’re talking about.  Sometimes they do.  This is a part 1 of our new feature ‘Through the Eyes of Two Lifers’ focused on the offseason.  Step into the minds of two Cubs fans baptized during the Sosa era, hardened by the Bartman series, and desparate to see a competitive team at Wrigley after years of 5th place finishes and low hopes.  These are the offseason texts of two young men raised on AIM and AOL, or in other words, the ‘LOL era’.  As we enter the third week of the season, let’s take a look at how Zane and Myles reacted to the Cubs up and down spring training, and find out whether they are keeping expectations realistic(hint: no).

Tuesday March 10th, 2015

M(2:58 pm): Jacob Turner likely to begin season on DL.  Really wanted him to win No. 5 spot

Z(2:59 pm): I still like woody in that spot

Z(2:59 pm): But yeah turner could be dope

M(2:59 pm): I like woody for trade value.  Package him with Welly and I think you get on ok return.  Might as well throw a guy like Turner in there who makes less and essentially will give you same production

Z(3:00 pm): True.  Plus wada could replace either if necessary

Z(3:00 pm): Anyone but eddie j

M(3:01 pm): Dude I like EJax.  Want that dude to do good so bad but it’s just not gonna happen.  Sadly, he will be out of the league as soon as his contract is up

Z(3:02 pm): Fuck him when he started dissin quade and renteria like he wasnt a big reason we sucked with them I was done

M(3:03 pm): They love him in the clubhouse

Z(3:04 pm): A lovable loser

M(3:05 pm): Don’t you say that phrase.

M(3:05 pm): Woody on the mound today

M(4:11 pm): Soler, Baez, Bryant back to back to back.  Aaaaaannddd I’m hard

Z(4:12 pm): Best.  Day.  Ever

M(4:12 pm): Yes.  Yes it is

Tuesday March 24, 2015

Z(4:43 pm): You know what really grinds my gears…theo and maddon acting like they want to keep edwin on the roster

M(4:43 pm): They have to at least act like that

Z(4:50 pm): Why?  Not a chance in the world they could trade him so no need to posture like with welly

M(4:51 pm): There’s absolutely no reason not to do it though.

Z(4:52 pm): I dont believe theyre acting either tho is the thing.  I think him and wood are gonna make the roster and I think thats dumb.  Hope not

M(4:53 pm): Wood will make it because he has had a good spring, turner is hurt, and dubront hasn’t been good.  Jackson is really only option for long relief.  He will essentially never pitch unless starter gets bounced early in which case the game is essentially lost already

Z(4:55 pm): Good points.  I dont believe them with welly making team and baez not btw.  I think they would keep 3 catchers but dont think it will come to that cuz he’ll be traded.  Also think despite them acting like baez will get sent down that he wont

Wrong wrong wrong wrong.  Wrong wrong wrong wrong. You’re wroong. You’re wroongg.  You’re wronggg.

M(4:57 pm): I was just reading today that they’ve done like a complete 180 on Baez and that he is likely to make 40-man.  Maybe for confidence.  Have no idea what to do with welly right now

Z(4:58 pm): Can we just buy out ross lol

M(4:58 pm): Haha it needs to happen

Z(4:59 pm): And I hadnt seen that on baez but ive been getting that sense.  I agree with it too, could be permanently damaging to his psyche to send him down

M(4:59 pm): Well that and he’s done fine in a AAA.  May not be able to develop properly unless he is facing big league guys

Z(4:59 pm): Where do you stand on who should be 5th outfielder, assuming denorfia is 4th and not counting alcantara

Z(5:00 pm): Lake, sczur and Sweeney being the choices

M(5:00 pm): Sweeney.  I already know you’re gonna say lake but Sweeney

Z(5:07 pm): Yeah I mean I like all of them in reality.  I guess nothing is guaranteed with denorfia either.  Think sweeneys chances are hurt by him being left handed like coghlan, who these guys would likely platoon with

Z(5:07 pm): But helped by fact he can play CF

M(5:08 pm): Yeah.  They have plenty of options with alcsntara tho.  That dude can play anywhere

Z(5:09 pm): Love him.  So young and skilled.  With pop and speed

M(5:09 pm): Gots make more contact tho

Myles with the unintended spoiler…

M(5:11 pm): You know who never panned out that I was excited about?  Gerardo concepcion

Z(5:11 pm): Lol tru

M(5:12 pm): They’re still paying that fucker

Z(5:56 pm): I must say, im a little concerned over 75% of kris bryants hits go over the fence.  Cant win ballgames that way

M(8:01 pm): Inexcusable.  Gotta be able to move the runner

Z(8:58 pm): Baez has been told he’ll make the team I see.  I like the strategy of telling him now, hopefully relax him and get him ready for opening day

M(8:58 pm): Yeah we’ll see

M(8:59 pm): I hope so man

Friday March 27, 2015

Z(5:06 pm): Ive definitely shifted from mildly disappointed to completely loving Jorge soler for his whole minor league going after a team with a bat incident

M(5:19 pm): Probably the best decision of his career

Saturday March 28, 2015

M(2:02 pm): Cubs release doubront

M(11:08 pm): Or don’t respond to my friendly cubs chatter

Simmer down there soldier, it’s Saturday night.

Z(11:09 pm): Dewdd my bad I thiught I sent this…

Unnecessarily adding letters to the end of words?  Misspelled words?  This could get interesting…

Z(11:10 pm): My first reaction is to say keep an arm that talented

Z(11:10 pm): But

Z(11:10 pm): I dont have a full understanding of the 40 man roster

M(11:11 pm): Out of minor league options.  Would have to pass waivers or extend him.  Pretty much cubs only option was to cut him

Z(11:13 pm): Its his own fault.  Will never forget my first game in wrig bleachers was a game he started(awfully)

M(11:14 pm): Haha Jesus.  Forgot about that.  Cubs lost SS prospect Marco Gonzalez as a result of doubront but we all know Chi is loaded at middle infield.  Not a huge deal.  Have too many guys similar to him between wood, wada, turner.  Even EJax is similar to doubront.  Just no room for the guy

M(11:15 pm): Was surprised jokisch got sent down.  Even though his spring has been sub par I thought he would make the team as lefty reliever

Note: Cubs minor league pitcher Eric Jokisch is from Virginia, Illinois, nearby Myles and Zane’s hometown of Springfield.

Z(11:17 pm): Unfortunately with jokisch arsenal I think hes a starter or bust.  Still good depth to have at SP tho

Zane might not be drunk afterall.  11 pm is still early though…

M(11:18 pm): Yeah big jokisch fan.  Local boy.  Met him.  Pranger catches his bullpens when he is home.  Hope he can make the team

M(11:19 pm): Also I honestly think he is a better lefty option than Phil coke at this point but I know theo is huge on leadership at this point (a la motte, Montero, Ross) so maybe that’s why coke will make team

Z(11:20 pm): Jokisch just doesnt have reliever stuff bro.  Wish he did

M(11:21 pm): He had a decent stint for 12 or something games at the end of last year.  I feel like there’s always room for a lefty who can control his pitches.  Doesn’t HAVE to be a fire baller like righties do out of the pen but I agree.  Very average stuff

Sunday March 29, 2015

Z(12:11 pm): Very tru.  Another thing ive thought about, know youll be reticent but…J lake plays 3b ans SS too.  With maddon coaching, possible boost for him?

M(12:13 pm): I mean yeah it’s good he’s flexible but between olt, Bryant, Castro, Baez, alcsntara, and Russell where is a spot at 3B for him?

M(12:13 pm): Or SS for that matter

Z(12:15 pm): Not at all a place in that grouo, but they olayed him at 3b the other night, just sayin it COULD help him

Uh oh, Zane waited 50 minutes to respond and he’s starting to slur…

M(12:16 pm): Yeah haha.  I know you love the guy but if you’re asking me, I hope he lights it up and can get the cubs a solid SP

Z(12:21 pm):  Oh I would love that as well.  But OF depth is crucial

Z(12:22 pm): When you look at it as 23 yr old lake or 27 yr old sczur tho it changes, long term wise

M(1:36 pm): Yes outfield is huge but they alrwady have 6.  Sczur or lake doesn’t matter

Z(1:37 pm): Hownu figure 6

Raise your hand if you’ve ever said the word ‘hownu’ while drinking.  Your hand better be up.

M(1:38 pm): Coughlan, fowler, soler, denorfia, alcantara, Sweeney.  But that’s just me.

M(1:38 pm): Lake doesn’t have the OBP or fielding to make the sways

M(1:38 pm): *squad

Zane, you there?

M(2:14 pm): IMO

Let’s hope he got home safe.

M(5:32 pm): Junior lake YABO

Z(5:58 pm): Speed and power baby

M(5:59 pm): Sczur YABO

Z(6:08 pm): Speed and power baby

Monday March 30, 2015

Z(12:00 pm): Welp, no baez to start the year

M(12:02 pm): I know.  Very surprised to be honest.  Baez Bryant and Russell at triple A will be nuts tho

Z(12:03 pm): Im surprised too, definitely disappointed but trusting the process.  But that’s a crazy infield in AAA

M(12:04 pm): Idk if it benefits anyone to start him there but who knows

Z(12:25 pm): Ya, riddle me this though…does russell not seem pretty much ready?  Definitely more ready than baez and he’s 21 so it’s not like he’s much younger than javy.  Wonder if they ever even chated about starting him at 2nd or 3rd opening day

Z(12:26 pm): Im sure it’s a seasoning thing.  Russell hasn’t had a ton of minors Abs

M(12:26 pm): In 13 years theo has never had a player make debut on opening day and like Bryant they will wait until service time isn’t an issue with Russell

M(12:29 pm): It’s a mix of everything.  Depending on how production at middle infield is by mid season he will probably be called up

Z(12:29 pm): Yeah, unless starlin goes down we’re probably not gonna see him until july-august if at all this year.  Could be the best of them all when its over with.  Id rank it bryant-soler-russell, but all three are verrry close to each other

Oh how little they knew…

Z(12:31 pm): Those would be my 1st tier cubs prospects, followed by schwarber, baez, Edwards, alcantara on next tier

M(12:35 pm): I mean I hardly consider soler a prospect still just because he’s guarantee to stay up.  But I agree with your list.  Edwards will be up in July probably.  I worry about his size is all

Z(12:36 pm): Just gotta keep hopin hes the next roy oswalt

Z(12:38 pm): Thats an untalked about thing too.  After wada, turner, ejax we dont have any proven starting rotation depth but with edwards, pierce Johnson, and sorta jokisch we have intriguing guys that can fill in

Z(12:39 pm): And turner can hardly be considered proven himself now that I think about it

M(12:50 pm): Yeah but I’m a big fan of the theory that depth at SP isn’t as necessary as position player depth.  SP can be bought in open market (re Lester)

Z(12:51 pm): Agree

M(12:53 pm): I mean don’t get me wrong I would love to have depth there but it’s so risky wasting a top pick on a SP who could get injured or whatever.  With the money the Cubs have I’d rather just buy anyone we want that’s already proven

M(3:52 pm): Could literally talk cubs 24 hours a day.  I truly think I could

Z(3:54 pm): Haha werd man same

Tuesday March 31, 2015

M(9:38 am): I was thinking of how funny it will be when Bryant gets called up.  He has to wait 12 days and I bet the Cubs call him up on like the 14th day to make it seem like it wasn’t just about service time haha

Z(9:39 am): Oh for sure, but I hope they call him up on the EXACT day just to give a big middle finger to the MLBPA

M(9:40 am): Haha can’t get too blatant with it.  You don’t want Bryant to have any hard feelings 6 years from now when the Cubs are going for their 7th consecutive world series title

Z(9:42 am): See that’s the thing about the hard feelings argument.  Winning gets rid of all hard feelings(except with Pablo Sandoval).  Plus after we win the next 6 world series we’ll have a new kris bryant in the waiting, so if kris doesnt want to sign a team friendly 6 yr/10mil contract just send him packing

M(9:43 am): Haha dude I agree.  And I’ll never admit it but what the Cardinals did with Pujols is like the best thing they could have possibly done

M(9:44 am): But still you don’t want any animosity on either side if it is not necessary

Z(9:46 am): I just feel like bryant shouldnt have that much animosity.  I mean he hasnt had a single major league at bat, and logically he has to understand the rule.  But……he might be mad in 7 years.  Let’s just hope he’s good enough to even force a debate in 2021

M(9:48 am): Yeah.  I think if he was anyone else’s client besides Scott Boras this would seriously be a non-issue.  In 1990 Andre Belle hit like 12 HRs in spring training and didn’t make the big league club that year.  There have been minor leaguers who have had better numbers than Bryant and no one even talks about it.  I remember when Bryce Harper got called up and it wasn’t a big deal and you could argue he was a higher rated prospect at the time

Z(9:49 am): Same with trout, longoria and braun.  Those three and harper are the biggest 4 position prospects of last 10 years, all started year in minors

M(9:50 am): Yeah it’s all Boras and it’s relevant that the CBA is up in 2016 so MLBPA is trying to highlight its problems

Z(9:51 am): Yeah it’s a CBA power struggle and kris bryant is just being used as the poster boy, which is why I hope kris bryant isnt as concerned with it as people think

Z(9:52 am): Im sure he loves the attention, but hes proven pretty darn good at playing through distractions so far

M(9:52 am): I don’t think he is.  I think as a businessman who makes his living this way he has to say he wants to be called up and he deserves to.  But I think at the end of the day he’s more concerned with baseball than anything

Z(9:53 am): I watched soler run into a wall yesterday, first mini heart attack of the year

M(9:54 am): Yeah he’s the kinda guy that will run into a wall but what’s different with him is he is the kind of guy who will run unknowingly into a wall.  Can’t say he has the highest IQ out there

Z(9:55 am): Haha I dont even care, I love how under the radar he is with what bryants doing

M(9:55 am): Dude he’s the complete package.  His only concern (obvi) is his health.  I’m not sure he’s played more than 5 games in a row in over 2 years.  Gotta be an every-day guy

M(9:57 am): Another BIG deal today is Lester making final minor league start before opener.  Still holding my breath on him.  Never like your $155 million ace to have arm fatigue before a season even starts.  Could be nothing but could be something

M(10:05 am): Dude you can’t not respond to my last text.  I’m already having anxiety over here and now you’re adding to it

Z(10:06 am): I know, ive been worried about it as well, said he’s never had deadarm this early.  Hate the idea of him being on a pitch count first game.  Im halfway to deciding he’s a pussy already

M(10:06 am): Jon Lester is a saint.  Take it back right now

Z(10:07 am): I take it back

M(10:07 am): Good

M(10:08 am): But yeah it’s always an issue and I REALLY hate to say this but if there is ANY issue at all, the smart move would be to have him miss opening day and backdate a 15-day DL stint so he only misses one start.  Completely precautionary but just a thought

Z(10:09 am): I think theyre already taking the precautionary moves.  It’s probably nothing

M(10:10 am): Yeah and this dude has taken care of his arm just as good as any pitcher in baseball.  I think he will be ok.  Hate the idea of a pitch count on Opening Night too tho.  Want him to go out and perfect game those [bitch]-birds

Z(10:12 am): Im more excited about the cubs abilities to win any brawl.  Olt is a mountain, castro is Dominican crazy, rizzo has no fear…but soler might actually kill a few players, and that could be bad

M(10:13 am): Not sure if you’re at work or not but this is what I think of when/if Jorge Soler gets into a fight

Z(10:15 am): Zane likes your video post

M(10:17 am): But completely agree with ability to brawl.  And can we talk about Mike Olt for a second?  IF Bryant is truly capable of playing LF then I 100% want Olt to start season at 3B and have to be his job to lose

M(10:18 am): He’s had his entire spring overlooked because of Bryant and I know he is not Kris Bryant but I want his power and glove in the lineup if it’s possible.  Dude is not that bad

Z(10:20 am): I absolutely want mike olt to play all year.  It will never last with russell baez and bryant needing to come up still, but if he can absolutely mash than he can stay as first PH and maybe even play a little right

M(10:21 am): Yeah I mean it’s a little tricky because (assuming Baez, Bryant, Russell, and Castro all play good together and the hype is real) there just isn’t room for him and if he’s that talented it would be better for both sides to trade him for pitching or something

M(10:22 am): But, essentially, Olt and Baez are pretty much identical batters.  Huge power.  A lot of strikeouts.  Edge going to olt because he makes slightly more contact.  If Baez doesn’t improve then theres room for Olt. (castro to 2B and Russell to SS)

Z(10:27 am): I think they have similar floors but javy definitely has the higher ceiling.  Olt strikes out just about as much, makes up for it in walks

M(10:28 am): Yeah.  Javy’s ceiling is wayyyyyy higher but I’m just speaking in hypotheticals if he can’t figure it out at Iowa and Olt stays where he is at.

Z(10:37 am): Agreed

Z(12:35 pm): This baez thing is very similar to the rizzo comeup I just realized.  Rizz tore up minors, got first taste with padres and hit like .150, went back to minors with cubs then came back for good.  Im just trying to stay hopeful with javy, I know he’s a different hitter than rizz

M(12:38 pm): Yeah a lot different but you’re absolutely right.  And he think he was younger than Rizzo was at this point so still a lot of room for development.  However the biggest difference between the two is theo and Jed drafted Rizzo.  They didn’t draft Baez

Z(12:46 pm): Rizzo had the cancer so probably still same development time.  I just want to stay excited about javy, just think it could take a while for him to figure it out.  But if he could hit .230 with 25 hrs and a 290 obp while playing a very strong 2B there is still value even innumbers lke that

M(12:48 pm): Dude I would absolutely love numbers like that from a 2B.  The cubs loved theriot and Barney and they were around that but no bombs.  Avg and OBP are a big issue tho obvi

M(12:57 pm): Those numbers from a 2B in the 6 or 7 hole are all star numbers

Z(1:38 pm): Exactly.  Especially in todays game where hardly anyone hits over .300, I think expectations of what being great for javy means needs to change for a lot of people

M(1:39 pm): Yeah.  People expect a .300 hitter and that just isn’t him.  Never will be

M(2:13 pm): Lester 25 strikes on 31 pitches through 2 IP so far.  Good strike rate

Z(2:14 pm): More like good dike rate amirite!

M(2:14 pm): I’m confused now

Me too.

M(6:45 pm): Cubs rally from 7-1 deficit to win 15-10.

Wednesday April 1, 2015

M(12:56 pm): Cubs option Lake to Iowa.  Sczcur likely to make team now

Z(12:57 pm): He earned it

M(12:57 pm): Yeah can’t argue with the numbers.  Tough break for Lake.  Likely to be trade bait now I would assume

Z(1:04 pm): If denorfia or sczur struggle we’ll be seeing him soon

M(1:04 pm): Yeah.  Denorfia may start on DL.  Sweeney probably makes team too

M(1:24 pm): Also Cubs actually opening with 3 catchers.  Surprising

Z(1:25 pm): Get the feeling maddon and theo had to compromise with each other at certain points.  Maddon might have been like “All right, you can send baez and bryant down, but Castillo stays theo, he’s way fuckin better than ross”

M(1:26 pm): Yeah.  Just a crazy fucking concept.  Honestly if Theo had any balls he would just trade/cut Ross.  He already signed Lester haha.  Don’t have to accommodate his every need any more

Z(1:27 pm): Yeah id be paying guys to push him down stairs so they just dont have to deal with it

Oh…

M(1:28 pm): Yeah I mean let’s be real, Castillo will get traded but there is no sense in getting rid of him just for the sake of getting rid of him.  At the end of the day, Montero is best catcher on the roster and a backup catcher is just a backup catcher.  No sense in keeping a guy who has value

M(1:29 pm): Even if Ross wasn’t on team I would still trade Castillo because he will get you more value in trade than he will making every 5th or 6th start

Z(1:30 pm): I wouldnt, seasons can get wrecked if starting catcher goes down without viable backup.

Z(1:30 pm): But because we do have ross, id trade welly

M(1:31 pm): I could be completely ambitious and out of line but I would maybe argue Schwarber would be a fine backup if Montero went down.  Schwarber will get call-up middle of next season I imagine

Z(1:31 pm): Theyre waiting a freak event where all of a sudden a Yankees or dodgers NEEDS a proven catcher, then we got em by the balls

Z(1:33 pm): I dont think a guy that so many people think might not be a good enough defensively to play catcher would be able to handle a major league pitching staff

Z(1:33 pm): This year

M(1:34 pm): Yeah true on the defense.  I will admit that with Baez being sent down and Alcantara being able to play multiple positions the Cubs do have the luxury of being able to hold on to Welly.  Just a shitty situation for him because he’s not getting any Abs at any level.  But yeah they will be able to leverage him nicely when the time comes.  Injuries happen.  Someone will need a catcher

Z(1:36 pm): Id say Castillo for tanaka skraight up is fair

We have very different definitions of the word ‘fair’.

M(1:37 pm): That’s the thing.  Idek what would be a good position to ask for in return at this point.  I guess SP but if you go after SP then you might as well package welly, baez, vogelbach, and almora and get Cole Hamels

Z(1:39 pm): I dont think we get a major league ready sp for welly unless a team is insanely desparate.  Best case scenario is probably a prospect in 75-100 range, more likely two less heralded prospects.  But im like you in that I dont really know

Z(1:40 pm): I do know the cubs did themselves no favors by not strongly defending castillos defensive prowess when it was under siege in offseason

Right because other teams don’t have scouting departments…

M(1:40 pm): I mean there’s barely room in the outfield.  Infield is completely packed.  Bullpen is set.  Maybe a solid lefty bullpen pitcher.  But I can’t really think of anything besides a SP

Z(1:41 pm): I dont think theyd look at it as a what do we need right now kinda thing.  Always take the best player regardless of position needs cuz theres no such thing as too much depth

M(1:42 pm): Yeah true.  Speaking of taking best available player.  Can we talk about samardzidja/hammel for Russell trade last year?  Hindsight is always 20/20 but what a fucking great trade for Cubs and bonehead move by Billy Beane

M(1:43 pm): And Billy McKinney who is a great prospect in his own right

Z(1:44 pm): Shit you and me were saying that back in october.  Though we were both adamantly opposed to hiring maddon back then too.  Things ive learned while transcribing our convos

M(1:45 pm): Yeah I’m not sure “adamantly” is right word but def opposed to it because of Renteria haha.  We just liked the guy

Z(1:45 pm): Tru

M(1:45 pm): But yeah dude what a fucking trade.  Unreal

Z(1:49 pm): Yeah, like, imagine us giving up kris bryant and gleybar torres for 10 starts from david price and whoever the tigers #4 is, only to then watch both of those pitchers leave for new teams in the offseason.

Z(1:49 pm): That’s exactly what happened

M(1:50 pm): Crazy.  Granted things are different when you are competitive/buyers at the deadline.  Beane also got Lester in a trade too.  Just ran into a buzz saw in KC in the playoffs.  But still I see no scenario where Theo trades his best prospect for half a season of control

Z(1:51 pm): Yeah I mean if they win it all last year than its a great trade

M(1:53 pm): Exactly but even still only a half a season of control for that payload is absurd.  That’s why I don’t mind trading for Cole Hamels because he has 3 seasons of control

Thursday April 2nd, 2015

M(4:34 pm): Arodys Vizcaino tests positive for PEDs and suspended 80 games.  Cubs get La Stella for free.  Theo doing theo dude

Z(4:34 pm): Loves

M(4:43 pm): Oh and bryant with another yabo in minor league game

Z(4:44 pm): Yepp

Good talk good talk good talk.

Friday April 3rd, 2015

M(7:03 pm): 2 final roster spots and 3 guys competing.  Szczur, Sweeney, Herrera.  Szczur is a lock.  Not sure with the other two

M(7:07 pm): Also the Cubs just now announced EJax is going to the pen.  Haha was this ever even a question?

Z(7:13 pm): Lol I guess we coulda waived him

M(7:13 pm): Haha yeah.  He’s only gonna get scrub innings.  Either up 6 runs or down 6 runs.  Hopefully has a couple good outings and then dump him somewhere

Z(7:15 pm): He’s just given me no reason to think he has a couple good outings in him haha

M(7:15 pm): Haha when say good outings for him I mean longer than 2IP and less than 5 ER

Z(7:29 pm): Thats a GREAT outing

M(7:32 pm): Yeah.  What did you think of Bryant interview?

Z(7:32 pm): It was all pretty standard

M(7:33 pm): One thing I really didn’t like tho was when asked if there are hard feelings he completely dodged the question and left it open.  Didn’t like that.  He could have said, “No hard feelings on my end.  I am very disappointed with the decision but the front office did what they felt is best for the team and I’m just about winning moving forward”

Z(7:35 pm): Yeah his right to be butthurt hasnt expired yet tho.  He has like another 2 days then he has to move on and will

Remind me where in the Bill of Rights the “right to be butthurt” appears?

M(7:36 pm): Yeah didn’t like his “ look I’m not here to talk about that.  It doesn’t matter what team I’m playing for I’m gonna play to win.”  Almost hinting that he doesn’t want to resign with the Cubs already

Z(7:37 pm): Ohmahgawd thats so far away I dont want to read into anything today manggg

M(7:37 pm): It’s our job as paranoid and depressed Cubs fans to do so.

M(7:37 pm): This guy is the next messiah.  Can’t have him being bought out already

Z(7:38 pm): Haha.  Like I said hes butthurt and he should be but once the painal ends hes gonna keep balling cuz thats what KB23 does doe dawgg dawggy dawgg

M(7:54 pm): Also, let’s put in perspective how much more money the Cubs could be spending.  Cubs opening day payroll is estimated at $119 million.  Cardinals are at $121 million.  Cubs are a way bigger market than STL.  Yankees are at $220 million and LAD is at a ridiculous $272 million.  The Cubs could get in the $180-$200 million range.  Unreal to look at what Theo and Co. have done without an open checkbook.  Once they have financial flexibility the other teams might as well quit

Z(7:59 pm): Kill themselves

M(7:59 pm): Seriously.  The Cubs spent $155 million on a player, owe EJax $20 million, took on Montero’s contract, overpaid fucking David Ross, and they’re still only at $1[1]9 million.  Unreal

M(8:08 pm): Also, I’m 95% sure that Maddon doesn’t want David Ross on the team.  Hasn’t named who’s starting Sunday (even though he was brought in to catch JLest) and then he said today that Ross isn’t just JLest catcher haha.  Hates the guy

Z(8:09 pm): Truly

M(10:11 pm): This spring training: Bryant HR/4.4 AB.  Travis Wood HR/3.5 AB.  Bryant just isn’t ready yet

Z(10:12 pm): Travis wood is the top prospect in baseball

M(10:15 pm): Basically how I understand that statistic

Z(10:17 pm): Like no offense to welly, but if wood isnt our #1 rh ph maddon should be fired

M(10:17 pm): Haha so true

M(10:18 pm): Honestly can’t tell if you’re serious about him PH tho.  I wouldn’t be opposed but you don’t want your pitcher getting injured haha

Z(10:19 pm): Im serious and he will.  I dont think maddon was bluffing about that at all

M(10:19 pm): Yeah ok haha I completely agree.  It’s just obvi when Bryant get’s called up there will be better options to PH.

Z(11:33 pm): Truuu dat doe

Saturday April 4th, 2015

M(3:32 pm): Man it has been a tough break for junior lake this spring.  Homie has been doing good but Szczur has just been better

Z(3:52 pm): yeah I mean im content with how it ended up, but lake is younger and has much higher upside than sczur.  Not to mention he seems to have completely retooled his approach at plate to be more patient, and that shows hes interested in improving, cant ask much more of a young kid.  Sczur can flat out field, but im not so sure his strong hitting this spring isnt an aberration.  Hope not tho.  His ability to play CF was key I think, better fundamental player than lake right now too.  Lets just both agree we dont want herrera to make team amirite?

M(3:58 pm): I don’t want Herrera or Sweeney.  I don’t know what value you get from either one with lake being down in the minors.  Shit Herrera is an infielder.  If you want an infielder why not make Baez or Russell make the team?  I’m a little confused.  Only reason Sweeney is in mix is he is owed $1.5 million

Z(4:41 pm): Tru

It took you 43 minutes to respond with a misspelled “true”…?

M(6:03 pm): Btw I was watching the Cubs today.  Essentially all minor leaguers.  Every time I watch Addison Russell play I fall in love more and more.  Just fucking smooth at short and just an easy swing.  Reminds me of Jeter

Z(6:04 pm): I still havent seen him play but thats the same description I keep reading except for the jeter part

M(6:08 pm): I mean he’s just got an easy inside out swing similar to jeter.  Not saying he is or whatever but that’s the vibe I got today at least

Z(6:08 pm): Dope

Opening Night(SUNDAY,April 5th, 2015)=CUBS V. CARDINALS

M(1:53 pm): David Ross gets the start and the pitcher is batting 8th.  Might be over managing but what do I know

Z(2:16 pm): Yeah fuck the ross part.  Ive come around on pitcher 8th tho

M(2:17 pm): Still don’t believe in pitcher 8th.  That’s overdoing it if you ask me.  And I’m a big numbers guy

Z(2:33 pm): Fuckin herrera

M(2:33 pm): Over sweeney?

Z(2:33 pm): Yep

M(2:35 pm): Yeah kind of wild really.  Denorfia backdated DL stint.  Will only miss 5 games.  Herrerra will get sent down then.

Z(2:35 pm): Yep

M(2:37 pm): Lake will probably get call up too once Bryant makes debut and trades are made.  I’m honestly expecting a big trade to happen.  Just read an article on Theo and how he is cold blooded when he makes trades and doesn’t really care about the situation.  I fully expect a big names guy to get moved for something (Baez or something).

Z(2:37 pm): Yeah he has something in the works

M(2:38 pm): I mean you just kind of get that vide with some strange roster moves

Z(2:38 pm): Hopefully trading ross for a bag of pistachios

Are we just never gonna say anything nice about David Ross?

M(2:38 pm): Or 5 bats

Z(2:39 pm): I would settle for a roll of single ply toilet paper

M(2:39 pm): Damn dude.  That’s low

Z(2:39 pm): Im out

Z(2:39 pm): What can I say

M(2:39 pm): Single ply is peasant shit.  Brutal

Z(2:40 pm): Yeah I mean I only let singly ply touch this crack in the most dire of situations

M(2:41 pm): You better have zero options to go that route

This has officially gone too far…

Game begins 7:05 PM Central Time

M(7:00 pm): Lester on the mound in the cubs jersey.  This is not a drill!

Z(7:01 pm): Booyah

Z(10:15 pm): I have only one important thought about this game going into bottom 9: i’m completely in love with how dexter fowler catches fly balls at his chest.  Coolest way to catch flyballs sincy fonsy was hoppin it up

M(10:16 pm): Haha great analysis stu.  Bullpen is sick.  Can’t score with RISP

Z(10:17 pm): Lol at this umpire

This is the final stage of the grieving process when your team just got shutout on opening night on national TV.  It’s called the ‘half-hearted excuse making stage’.

M(10:18 pm): Haha right

M(10:19 pm): I think I’d rather have Joey Crawford back there

Z(10:19 pm): Haha oh wow you might be right

M(10:20 pm): Haha yeah

Cubs lose 3-0.

Game of Thrones Recaps Are Played Out(Season 5 Episode 2)

Game of Thrones Recaps Are Played (Out Season 5 Episode 2)

April 24, 2015

Jon Heem

I know, I know.  You’ve all been waiting for this recap since Monday.  You’d given up on it ever happening again.  Well, I’m sorry.  Look at this way, by releasing this on Friday, last week’s episode will still be fresh in your mind come Sunday.  That’s what I was planning all along, I think.  Enjoy.

Quote(s) of the Week: In a week with superb one liners, it was too hard to choose just one, so let’s hand out Olympic medals to the top three, because I love nothing more than awarding fictional prizes from our boring Earth to the great men and women of the nameless world of Game of Thrones.

Bronze Medal: (Arya Stark speaking to some teen bullies…) “Nothing’s worth anything to dead men.”

                –Arya is the best.  Welcome back Arya.

Silver Medal: (Ser Kevan Lannister to Cersei mid-small council storm out.)  “I do not recognize your authority to dictate what is and what is not my concern.”

                -Kind of being a dick Ser Kevan.  You also make an excellent point.  I’m torn.

Gold Medal: (Varys conversing with Tyrion on the road to Volantis.) “People find us repulsive…and we find them repulsive, which is why we surround ourselves with large comfortable boxes to keep them away.  And yet, no matter what we do, people like you and me are never really satisfied inside the box.  Not for long.” –                 -That’s a…uh…profoundly SAD statement Varys.  Geezus, crack just one smile this season please.

QUICK EPISODE SUMMARY, told through my half-baked thoughts while watching.  If you did not see the episode this will not make sense.  If you have, it might make a little sense.  Might.

• Braavos seems dope…

• Is a black dude answering a black door at ‘The House of Black and White’ racist?

• Sansa is clearly Littlefinger’s sidechick if he can’t take her to a nicer restaurant.

• Brienne of Tarth is Don Quixote, which I guess makes Podrick…Sancho Panza.  Sure, that works I guess.

• It’s strangely comforting that incestuous couples like Jaime and Cersei also have parenting disagreements.

• Wait, why is that comforting to me?  I’m not a parent…

• Well Bronn has married a real fix her upper.

• On a scale of 0.1 to 0.2 seconds how long would it have taken Bronn’s fiancée to agree to a devil’s threesome with Jaime?  Yes.

• Well Dorne seems nice.

• Prince Doran is definitely about to get killed, that’s less nice.

• Daario Naharis…something about fear…idk…Daario is the coolest.

• How much can a midget-er imp-er dwarf…how much can a little person really drink before alcohol poisoning sets in?

• Maester Clyburn definitely invented the exorcism in his later years.  Creepy guy.

• Tywin’s brother is kind of a dick.  SHOCKER.

• Hahaha Gillie sucks at reading.

• Weekly reminder that Gillie comes from a pretty fucked up family sitch.  Let me go hug my mom right quick.

• Stannis’ wife is wildlist.  Or is it wildlingest?  Or is it just racist?

• Jon Snow gots that Northside Pride.

• The first thing Jon ever remembers wanting is to no longer be the bastard son of Ned Stark and to be able to take his last name.  The first thing I ever remember wanting was an RC/TYCO flippable remote control car.  #WEARENOTTHESAMEJONSNOW

• Sam is Dwight Schrute to Jon’s Michael Scott, and perhaps most importantly, that is an awful, awful analogy.

• I love the old school voting method,  “Let’s not even count these chips, that shit looks like a tie…”

• Why aren’t they using the white door at all?  Is that reverse racism?

• Ok, Mossador is clearly the most badass dude in a whole city of badasses.  No way Khaleesi will punish him…

• Oh man if she hurts him I’m gonna cry…

• But she won’t, right?

• Right?

• Oh shit this looks like an execution set-up.

• Oh man now Mossador is begging.  Have mercy Khaleesi, mercy!!

• OH FUCK NO I’M DONE WITH THIS CHICK.

  HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

• Congrats on being the new Joffrey, you dumbshit.

• If you get naked, Khaleesi, I might forgive you.

• Drogon came back.  Kewl.

• HSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

QUESTIONS ANSWERED (from last week):

-Where be Drogon da Dragon? Heeeee’s baaaccckkk.

-Is Sansa more of a Fallout Boy or My Chemical Romance fan? Fallout Boy.

-Was Fallout Boy and My Chemical Romance ever a musical rivalry? Strike this question from the record.

Questions (still) unanswered:

-Is the Hound dead…?

-Can Bran fly…?

-What’s Jorah up to…?

-Has The Mountain been turned into Bane yet…?

New questions:

-How badass is Arya ‘bout to become in The House of Black and White?

-Will Jon accept Stannis’ offer?

-Will Jaime save Myrcella?

-Will Doran, Prince of Dorne get murdered?

-What’s Theon up to?

Death Prediction Watch:

-From last week:

-Jaime(at the hands of Cersei)=Pending

-Stannis(at the hands of the Onion Knight)=Pending

-Varys(killed by someone)=Pending

-Ramsey Bolton(at the hands of Theon)=Pending

New:

Prince Doran(at the hands of Ellaria Sand)=Pending

Myrcella Baratheon(at the hands of Ellaria Sand)=Pending

AND NOOOOWWWWWW, THE MOMENT YOU’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR….Jon Heem Recklessly Speculates and Attempts to Predict How This Show Shakes Out In the End Brought to You By Hooked on Hodor.  Hooked on Hodor, Because Even Half-Giant Half-Wits Can Learn to Read Good.  Let’s talk about Dorne, can we talk about Dorne.  I’ve been DYING to talk about Dorne.  Ellaria Sand is being kind of a punk right now.  Prince Doran, confined to a wheelchair(it would appear), seems to be in big time danger.  Apparently Ellaria Sand has some badass group called the Sand Snakes on her side.  So here’s the dealio: Doran is going to get killed.  Which means Myrcella is also very likely to get killed.  This will happen before Jaime gets to Dorne to try and save Myrcella.  Jaime, knowing he can’t go back with such bad news, decides to exact his revenge.  But, he has one hand, so he’s going to die.  Bronn too, probably.  All this news will get back to Tommen and Cersei, and war will be declared.  It would appear, at first glimpse, that the King’s army will be able to crush the smaller Dorne.  One small problem.  The Tyrell’s are done with the Lannister’s.  Like, so over them it’s not even a little funny.  So they make an alliance with Dorne and crush the King’s army, leaving a vacuum of power that both the Dornish and the Tyrell’s want to fill.  Margaery, who played a big part in the whole mutiny, will become the first ruling Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.  The Dornish are unhappy, but stay in the alliance.  But here comes Daenarys and her Free Folk army(as discussed in last week’s edition of Jon Heem Recklessly Speculates and Attempts to Predict How This Show Shakes Out In the End Brought to You By Hooked on Hodor.  Hooked on Hodor, Because Even Half-Giant Half-Wits Can Learn to Read Good.

Valar Heemghulis!

Through the Eyes of Two Lifers: The Offseason Texts

Zane and Myles are 23 years old and they love the Chicago Cubs.  Really love them.  They also love to text about them.  They think they know what the hell they’re talking about.  Sometimes they do.  This is a part 1 of our new feature ‘Through the Eyes of Two Lifers’ focused on the offseason.  Step into the minds of two Cubs fans baptized during the Sosa era, hardened by the Bartman series, and desparate to see a competitive team at Wrigley after years of 5th place finishes and low hopes.  These are the offseason texts of two young men raised on AIM and AOL, or in other words, the ‘LOL era’.  As we enter the third week of the season, let’s take a look at how Zane and Myles reacted to the Cubs busy offseason, and find out whether they are keeping expectations realistic(hint: no).

*Sept 28, 2014 Regular Season Ends*

Tuesday Oct. 7th, 2014

Z(9:21 am): Ive officially decided im dead set against the cubs paying over 100 mil for any top of rotation pitcher

Deadset? No wiggle room there I guess…(that’s a little thing we call foreshadowing).

M(9:21 am): Idk where I stand on it.  I heard rumors swirling about stl being good fit for scherzer which I would fucking love because that would just tie up so much money

M(9:25 am): But I mean I’m not just being your typical optimistic cubs I mean the only thing really missing from this team is consistent starting pitching and I think if you can afford 2 marquee starters this offseason I think you go do it

Z(9:28 am): Its just the more I look at the teams that have won world series the past couple years and the teams competing this year, none of them splurged on 150 mill pitchers.  Would you rather sign a liriano for half the price and half the years and hope he competes

M(9:29 am): Yeah true.  This team does hit bombs and you gotta imagine if guys have higher obps that will translate to more runs but idk man.  I’m sick of hoping Edwin Jackson or Travis wood will only give up 3 runs.  Arrieta is only top of the line guy in the rotation and even he is still an unknown

Are these guys just, like, not going to use periods at the end of texts?  That might really bother me…

M(9:32 am): I definitely think the cubs are huge players in free agency regardless of what they go after.  And with the market being as saturated as it is, I think they may be able to steal a couple guys

Z(9:36 am): I agree I just dont want to overpay a pitcher who turns into recent sabathia or halladay once he gets the big bucks and then youre paying 180 mill for shit.  I mainly really dont want scherzer, only twice ever had an era under 3.5, worried he has benefited from great hitting teams.

Z(9:36 am): If price is there and we dont have to give him more than 6 years and 150 mill or so, I take him in a sec tho.  I like lefties, and price is young

Z(9:37 am): But then I think about it and I guess we could sort of afford to overpay since ou(r) bats are all club friendly deals for a long time

M(9:39 am): The cubs have so much cash man.  I agree on scherzer but he has been pitching in the AL which is a hitting league.  I like Lester.  Has big game experience with Boston.  Price would be great but you have to give up prospects for him.  Your boy Castro would be involved in those discussions I’m sure.

A period!  Well done Myles.

M(9:39 am): I’m just pumped for this offseason.  First time that I’ve truly believed the cubs were going to land some big name guys.  Even when theo first took over and pujols and fielder and all those guys were on the market I never thought we’d be players

Z(9:40 am): And thank sweet baby jesus we werent.  Imagine having 200 mill tied up in prince fielder right now haha

M(9:41 am): Or pujols man haha

Both of these guys definitely wanted Pujols and Fielder when they were available…

Z(9:42 am): Wish we woulda just grabbed tanaka last year.  I know hes hurt but that man can deal

So that’s going to be a no on apostrophes also, Zane?  Mk…

M(9:42 am): Theo is smart I trust the moves he will make.  But I agree paying so much for starting pitching is kind of ridiculous because it’s a crap shoot.  When the phils had lee, Holliday, and hamels everyone punched their World Series ticket before the season even started and look how that went

Z(9:43 am): Same with the a’s this year.  If addison russel turns out like he just might, even if they resign samardzija next year, the a’s are gonna regret that one for a long time

Z(9:44 am): I wouldnt rule out trying to resign guys like jason hammel this offseason either.  Not splashy but a solid 4 or 5

Z(9:45 am): But all this is assuming arrietta can stay dealing next year too.  If he falls off and we dont sign anyone then its bad.  The real catch22

M(9:51 am): Yeah man I mean regardless of whether or not Russell even pans out that’s just a bad move by beane.

Myles capitalizing names is a crapshoot, at least Zane outright refuses to…

Fri Oct 24th 2014

Z(12:16 pm): [Screenshot of Buster Olney tweet: My guess on Joe Maddon: He eventually winds up with Cubs]. Fudge that I know all baseball nerds consider him the best manager in baseball but he aint got much to show for it

M(12:18 pm): I have no desire for joe maddon

M(12:18 pm): First thing I thought when I saw that notification

M(12:18 pm): I like renteria man

Z(12:19 pm): Same and I just dont think it makes a real difference either way and maddons salary would prob be 2x rickys current one

Z(12:20 pm): Plus he wears glasses so he’s a nerd an all nerds should be bashed

Most logical thing anyone has said yet!

M(12:20 pm): I mean I know renteria is coach but you know theo is just telling him what to do.  It’s all about who guys can rally around and I think they can rally around renteria

M(12:20 pm): Such a need

M(12:20 pm): *nerd

Z(12:23 pm): Agreed, they like ricky and that matters.  Theo should stop hiring coaches if he doesn’t they their worth keeping.

Z(12:23 pm): Granted this is all spec, theo might not want him at all

M(12:25 pm): I agree.  I mean don’t get me wrong I like Ricky but you ):essentially fired Sveum and hired someone the exact same

Z(12:28 pm): More personality.  But I just have this feeling maddon doesn’t opt out if he doesnt have other plans set up, and olney doesnt say that unless he knows something.  Hes def goin to a big market, could be the dodgers tho

M(12:29 pm): I hope it’s not the cubs dude.  After this year theo and hoyer have said that they’re to the point now where they don’t want to flip guys anymore.  Just sick of new faces every year

Z(12:30 pm): Agreed

M(12:31 pm): Just stick with who you got.  Teams make runs every year with no body teams.  You never know what can happen

These guys reaaalllly don’t want Maddon…

Z(12:33 pm): Exactly the royals have 1 hitter over .300 this year and no highly paid ace snd look at them

M(12:33 pm): I know.  I mean I guess if you want consistency every year you gotta bring some guys on but still

Z(12:35 pm): Btw shield will be a free agent but a hypothetical trade of shield for arrietta is an automatic fuck no right?

M(12:36 pm): Fuck nooooooo

Z(12:36 pm): Ya good

Z(12:37 pm): Imagine that sentence before last season

M(12:37 pm): I know.  Scary stuff

Z(12:38 pm): Shields is also perennially overrated tho

Tho…?

M(12:38 pm): I know.  What I’m hoping happens is that he has another terrible start in the playoffs that just drives his value down and the cubs could maybe swoop him for pretty cheap

Z(12:39 pm): Like eddie jackson money lol

Not funny…

M(12:40 pm): Haha exactly!!

M(1:17 pm): Like Lester and cheap second tier pitcher would be ideal this offseason.  And I know that next years free agent market is even bigger but I absolutely fucking hate the idea of waiting another whole season to make moves

Z(1:18 pm): Ya lester is my favorite of this years bunch, but I could hold out for price

M(1:18 pm): Would you wait a whole year to get price or give up a package like Russell and almora for him?

Z(1:20 pm): Wait.  Id rather hit and field so good that it doesnt matter how good the pitchers are

M(1:22 pm): Always gotta have good pitching tho.  Look at the angels this year.  Pujols, trout, and Hamilton combined for like 3 hits

Z(1:23 pm): Look at the tigers this year, price, scherzer and verlander combined for 0 wins

M(1:24 pm): Yeah true.  I guess at the end of the day it just comes down to who is the hottest

Z(1:24 pm): Truu

M(1:27 pm): Yeah I have absolutely no desire to trade any prospects but you gotta trade some while stock is high because there just isn’t enough positions for everyone.  Which is a good problem to have

Z(1:35 pm): Exactly

Tue, November 4th, 2014

M(12:33 pm): Still sad about RR.  Started writing the blog last night and about cried

Z(12:35 pm): I know, I miss him so much

M(12:37 pm): So sad

Powerful moment.  RIP Ricky…

Wed. December 6th, 2014

M(12:34 am): Lester to the north side.  6 yrs $155 mil

Z(1:42 am): Heeg

Z(1:42 am): Hewgg

Was ‘heeg’ really worth replacing with ‘hewgg’…?  Also didn’t this entire conversation start with Zane being “dead set” against adding a high priced free agent pitcher?  The only thing consistent about this kid is his hatred of punctuation.

M(8:09 am): A lot of money but this is baseball.  No cap.  Fuck it

Z(8:32 am): Yep yep, just gotta hope he’s good

Z(11:01 am): Do you know when the press conf is??

M(11:51 am): No idk but I hope it’s at cubby bear

M(2:33 pm): [Picture of 2015 World Series odds.  Cubs have moved up to 12/1.]  Better odds than stl

Z(2:35 pm): Yeah, lets be honest, that’s plain [stupid] lol

M(2:39 pm): Fuck it

Z(2:41 pm): Hahaha im goin to temper my expectations even tho im jacked.  Not that long ago the Phillies had lee, halladay, hamels hurling and ryan howard, utley, and rollins and failed to make the playoffs

Z(2:41 pm): But I am pumped dont get me wrong

M(2:41 pm): The Phillies didn’t have Theo and Joe Maddon.  Different times.  Apples and oranges

Z(2:52 pm): Better question, does this not pressure them into starting bryant immediately?

M(2:52 pm): Yeah dude.  Things are definitely looking up.  It’s telling when the best free agent manager and arguably the best free agent pitcher on the market both make a decision to come to Chicago.  I know Theo threw a bunch of money at them but still.  Definitely telling about the feeling about the Cubs throughout the league.

M(2:52 pm): No way they start Bryant right away.  Don’t want to start the clock.  They will have him for like another 2 years of team control if they wait.  But he will be up literally at the earliest possible date

Z(2:54 pm): I agree it would be a bad idea, but this puts them in win now mode and bryant obviously improves those chances.  I think they’ll stay patient but dont rule it out

M(2:56 pm): Yeah I mean Valbuena is solid production at third.  May be better option to start him at season and raise stock more and then shop him when you call up Bryant.  Hard to say.  What’s even crazier is the Cubs aren’t even done yet this offseason.  Going to add another bat or 2.  Rumors are Justin Upton and Johnny Gomes are both targets.  Also could packaged some players and get another starter.  IF, and that is a gigantic if, they can pull that off they are definite wild card contenders and are for sure win now mode

Z(2:57 pm): True, though some of the insiders think they might be done too.  In theo we trust my friend

M(2:58 pm): Yezzir

Wednesday December 17th, 2014

M(11:34 am): Cubs trade ruggiano.  Looks like they’re going with Sweeney coughlan

Z(11:34 am): Good

Kewl.

Monday January 19th, 2015

Z(1:06 pm): Fowler is a NOICE grab

M(1:07 pm): Great move.  Would have liked to keep straily and fowler only has 1 yr left on deal but still great move.  High obp, sees pitches, and great speed

Z(1:09 pm): Im gonna miss valbuena.  That was my boy

M(2:28 pm): Yeah he was solid

Tuesday January 20th, 2015

M(10:08 am): Would you rather the cubs trade for Hammels or Fowler?  Or wait until next winter and go after Price?

Z(10:09 am): We didn’t trade for hammels he was a FA

M(10:10 am): No.  That’s Jason Hammel.  I’m talking about Cole Hammels of the Philadelphia Phillies.  With an S.

M(10:10 am): Come on Zane.  Details

Z(10:11 am): It’s actually hamels with 1 M you dick head

SHOTS FIRED!!!

M(10:11 am): Whatevs.  I was more right.

How many whatevs is too many whatevs in a text?  ANY number of whatevs is too many whatevs…

M(10:11 am): Answer the question

Z(10:11 am): And id rather them wait for price

M(10:14 am): Yeah Idk.  It’s hard to say.

M(10:16 am): Hamels is appealing because he only has 3 years left on deal.  I remember you were saying you don’t mind money so much as the years.  Hamels at 31 years old would be peaking throughout the duration of his contract.  Feel like if you sign next year when he’s 30 will be a situation similar to Lester where you’ll be paying an aging pitcher toward the end of his contact

M(10:17 am): Strasburg might be perfect because he’s arbitration eligible next year so they can control him for this season and next season

M(10:19 am): But dude free agent SPs in 2016: Price, Zimmerman, Gallardo, Fister, Cueto, Samardzija.  Crazy free agent class

Z(10:23 am): I just prefer free agents to trades because we’ve spent so much time acquiring these prospects, I wanna see them in cubs uni

M(10:23 am): Yeah true but you gotta sell some of them high otherwise you miss out on the value.  Can’t have 4 SS

Z(10:25 am): On another note, our outfield is insanely deep now.  Alcantara, fowler, soler, denorfia, coghlan, and Sweeney.  Outside soler hopefully those are all guys that are gonna be streaky so its nice to have options

Z(10:25 am): And I think olt is opening day 3rd baseman again this year now lololol

Z(10:26 am): Oh and cant count out lake just yet.  Great things coming from him inn winterball right now, whatever its worth

M(10:26 am): Talked to Olt at Cubs Convention.  Dude is a G.  Gonna be sad when they trade him

M(10:26 am): Junior Lake will be traded by all star break or sooner

Z(10:27 am): Im fine with that, just saying I wouldnt be shocked if he gets a shot cuz of injuries and impresses

M(10:29 am): Yeah.  Here’s what I think lineup will be opening day: 1 Fowler CF, 2 Coughlan RF, 3 Rizzo 1B, 4 Castro SS, 5 Montero C, 6 Olt 3B, 7 Baez 2B, 8 Alcantara LF, 9 Lester P

M(10:30 am): Can move a lot of those in a lot of different spots but I think it’s close to that

Z(10:30 am): You really dont see Soler starting in outfield doe??

M(10:31 am): I fucked up.

No shit…

M(10:31 am): Then Alcantara at 3B Soler in RF, Couglan Left.  Olt out

Z(10:32 am): I agree, olt will be on big league roster til bryant comes up doe

‘Tho’ has now become ‘doe’…

M(10:32 am): Yeah no doubt.  Neither him or Alcantara have proven they can make consistent contact so they will split time at 3B.  Alcantara has advantage being switch hitter tho

Myles fires back with an old school ‘tho’…

Z(10:33 am): It will be very interesting to see where in batting lineup castro ends up.  I like him at cleanup for now as well.  Only guarantees in batting order are fowler and rizzo I think

M(10:33 am): Yeah which is crazy for the expectations this team has right now

Z(10:34 am): Wouldnt be surpised to see alcantara play as many as 5 positions this year.  Maddon sounds like he loves the versatility

M(10:34 am): Yeah I think Maddon is low-key in love with Alcantara dude.  Head over heels

Z(10:35 am): He’s gotta hit tho…

In the span of of 2 minutes Zane was able to misspell the word ‘though’ in two different ways.  Is it hot here?  I feel like it’s hot in here…

M(10:35 am): Yeah I know man.  That’s why DeRosa was amazing the two years he was there.  Played all those positions and fucking mashed

Z(10:36 am): Also in play is la stella at 3rd and coghlan/alcantara splitting time until one wins the job outright

Z(10:36 am): The deepness of this team appears to be real

M(10:36 am): Yeah dude.  So deep at middle infield and outfield.  That’s why I think a major trade is in the works

Z(10:37 am): They didnt completely rule out a Zimmerman trade now that he’s firmly on the trade block

M(10:38 am): Yeah.  Control is huge with me tho.  Only 1 year left on deal.  I think they could make qualifying offer and if he goes elsewhere can turn him into a draft pick but at this point it’s about winning.  No more waiting around for draft picks so Idk if that’s worth it

Z(10:40 am): I agree.  Less than a month til pitchers and catchers report my friend

M(10:41 am): I know.  I’m gonna fly out

Friday January 23rd, 2015

Z(2:43 pm): [Screenshot of tweet from @BleacherNation: Dan Vogelbach is the 8th Best First Base Prospect in Baseball Per MLB Pipeline] Could be HUGE trade bait if he has a strong year in minors since we have no room for him

Tuesday February 24th, 2015

M(2:23 pm):

I take back everything I ever complained about eric hinske being a fat first base coach

Z(2:25 pm): Hahaha I hate tattoos but I love that.  If we have as many guys get picked off at first as last year he stays on my shitlist tho

M(2:25 pm): Haha dude they’re big leaguers.  First base coach is just there to hold shin guards

Z(2:26 pm): I dont care if it keeps happening im blaming his fatass

M(2:26 pm): Brutal Thompson is the best Thompson

M(2:26 pm): I see you’re evolving into Stu more and more every day

Z(2:27 pm): But since bonifacio is gone we’ll be fine with that most probs

Most probs<<<<whatevs

Z(2:27 pm): I got olt startin the year at 3rd btw

M(2:28 pm): Yeah it’s only for 15 games so I don’t really care.  In a crazy world I could see Baez and Bryant both starting at AAA with La Stella at 2B and Olt at 3B then bringing them both up at the same time

Spoiler alert: this is EXACTLY what happens…

Z(2:30 pm): It’s not crazy to see baez not breaking with squad, but even if baez bombs in spring training la stella has to perform.  Not like he’s a proven veteran unfortunately

M(2:30 pm): Yeah I mean he is high OBP which know you’re big on but yeah he def has to produce

Z(2:31 pm): Personally I wanna see baez at 2b no matter what.  He needs to get used to big league pitching, we already know he can hit AAA

Z(2:32 pm): .328 obp in only 300 ar bats isnt enough to get my obp boner up yet tho

M(2:32 pm): Something else I’m liking more and more is Hamels dude.  With San Diego signing shields and Boston signing Moncada, the Cubs may be the only/best suitors for Hamels that have the money, the prospects, and the need

Z(2:32 pm): Booooooo

Stop trying to push Hamels on Zane, Myles.  He’s not going…

M(2:33 pm): Career .409 OBP in the minors in comparison to .332 with Baez

M(2:34 pm): Idk dude.  Hamels is elite pitcher and with big contracts being signed this year his AAV will be significantly less than you would sign anyone else and the years are good

Z(2:35 pm): Its gonna take either bryant or russell from everything ive read and seen.  Not prepared to part with either personally

M(2:36 pm): Hell no.  I think Amaro is an idiot to ask so much.  The longer he waits, the less he’ll get.  His best bet now is to wait until the trade deadline and hope someone is desparate enough

M(2:37 pm): Theo wouldn’t trade either one of those guys tho.  But I will tell you Theo would trade Baez tho

*THOUGH!!!!!!!

Z(2:39 pm): Yes he would trade baez, and unless that’s paired with a proven big leaguer which we’re short on(rizzo is untouchable, moncada and fowler too new, and starlin wont go with baez bcuz both are MI) I dont think they bite for baez alone

M(2:39 pm): Baez and Alcantara?

M(2:39 pm): It’s a good problem to have but there just isn’t enough room for these guys

Z(2:41 pm): And a A or AA pitcher like underwood or Edwards.  It’s gonna take a package.  I mean hell just for samardzija and hammel the A’s had to give up a top 3 and top 100 prospect

Z(2:42 pm): Youre right about guys getting moved eventually, but I say shake it up and see who sticks before guessing

M(2:42 pm): A’s were desparate for pitching tho.  Different scenario.  The Cubs know they don’t have to make a move and Amaro is just diddling his thumbs hoping they give up a stud which won’t happen

M(2:42 pm): I agree with shaking things up but then at some point you prove a guy can’t hit and his value goes way down.  Gotta make the trade while the value is there

Z(2:45 pm): An excellent point.  You know I lean towards guys that have proven themselves at big league level which is why I hate the idea of moving castro so much.  The rest of that bunch is anyones guess.  Alcantara is gonna play 120 games at 5 diff positions so I think in a way he’s second most valuable of bunch.  I think 2b should be baez’s to lose tho, especially since maddon agrees with ME that he’s a very good fielder haha

M(2:45 pm): Haha Maddon is very good at saying all the right things the align with Theo and Jed’s vision.  Talking guys up.  Saying they

Is it a rule that if one person drops a ‘haha’ the other person HAS to respond with one…?

M(2:45 pm): *they’re this and they’re that.  Its all a big sales pitch

Z(2:47 pm): Youza fool

M(2:48 pm): I agree with not moving Castro.  I know I’ve gone back and fourth on him but it’s because he’s such a fucking [dumbass].  With Lester, Ross, Montero etc there will be leadership and he won’t have as big a spot light on him.  It’s hard to trade a guy who has had most hits among SS since entering the league.  And between him and Rizzo you have arguably 2 of the most valuable guys in baseball

Z(2:51 pm): Plus the negatives of castro are minor I think.  He’s what, 24 or 25?  The mental mistakes are frustrating but understandable for a player calle dup at 21 playing for awful teams.  He doesnt seem like a hothead or a locke room nuisance which would worry me more.  With rizzo and those vets you named I think he’s finally in perfect situation

M(2:52 pm): Yeah I just don’t think you trade him unless 1) Russell ends up being the real deal AND 2) You get an offer to ridiculous to pass on.  Without both of those happening I jus don’t see why you’d move the guy

Z(2:52 pm): 100% agree

M(2:53 pm): But I think Baez is moveable.  Completely agree with you that he’s still super young and that much raw power is tough to give up on so early but pitching gets you to the show and if Baez is a piece that gets you Hamels then I pull the trigger

Z(2:54 pm): Although, castro has even said he’s move if it helps the team.  If russell is real deal you could always stick him at 2nd as long as he’s willing

M(2:54 pm): Or, if Baez is just going to be a slugging machine, I put Baez on steroids and move him to third.  Let Bryant do the same and go to LF and have russell at SS and castro at 2nd

Z(2:55 pm): And ya pitching gets you to the show up to a point.  Royals got all the way to game 7 with james shields as an ace and the giants 2nd best pitcher was a washed up tim hudson but I get your point

M(2:57 pm): What else is just fucking sick about this Cubs though is all the key guys we care about under team control for at least another 4 years.  No big name guys really have any contracts up until then.  Even guys like neil ramirez and rondon will be making league minimum until then so it’s an amazing situation.

M(2:57 pm): And I know pitching in the playoffs is just who’s hot but you have to have good pitching to even get there.  But if you can get two guys with outstanding WS experience (Lester and Hamels) then you are dangerous

Z(2:58 pm): True, and just as important without a doubt is a bullpen, of which I really like our chances to improve on what was a damn good BP in the 2nd halo last year

M(3:00 pm): Dude Cubs bullpen is so under the radar right now.  Ramirez, Strop, Rondon has a potential to be as deadly a 7,8,9 in all of baseball.  Mix in vet Jason Motte to keep them in line and keep attitudes right.  Put Edwin Jackson at flex/long relief because they LOVE him in the clubhouse and you have a real good pen

Z(3:01 pm): Shit wada too if he doesnt win the 5th spot.  I think Wood wins it and should, cuz he’s 1 year removed from being an All-Star, but if Wood doesnt make rotation I think they trade him, probably packaged with welly

Z(3:02 pm): Wada as a long reliever I mean

M(3:02 pm): Was just going to say that.  I saw some interesting stats about wood.  He just had some bad luck last year because he was missing first strike which caused him to throw more fastball and his ABIP (average on balls in play) skyrocketed last year as a result.  Hopefully with Monetero and his pitch framing wood will get first pitch over for strike more and can throw change up earlier in count which will lower ABIP.

M(3:04 pm): But honestly I kind of hope he doesn’t make it because I think a package of him and welly can get you a good return.  And between turner, dubront, and wada they have guys who can produce the same numbers for cheaper and (dubront and turner) higher ceiling

Z(3:05 pm): Garsh I always forget about turner.  Doubront I think needs to stay in the pen, but turner man, that guy has the most ‘next arrieta’ potential of anyone especially given a full year with bosio

In Bosio we trust!

M(3:06 pm): I completely agree.  I just think you hop wood produces good numbers in the spring as well as welly and then ship them both for maybe another solid outfielder or BP arm or a couple prospects.  Both guys are young and have potential and can get you something good in return

Z(3:07 pm): I want us to deal welly soon just cuz I like him and want him to have a chance to play for someone this year

Awwww.

M(3:08 pm): He will 100% get dealt and I think if he does it will be to a team that will play him.  And dude I know we signed him for Lester and there’s some intangible qualities about the guy but every time I look at the David Ross contract and then at his numbers compared to welly I want to throw up

He 100% is still on the Cubs DOE!  Fuck it, doe is an awesome word, it’s mine now.

Z(3:10 pm): I was just tweeting morherfuckers the same thing the other day.  Ross has played more than 60 games once since 2007 and cant hit

Z(3:11 pm): I hated that from day 1

M(3:11 pm): Yeah it blows they’re committing that much money to the guy they really didn’t “have to” for Lester because they signed him after Lester but I know Theo was trying to get some veteran leadership in the room and if you can do that with a guy who has caught your ace forever then fine

Z(3:13 pm): I know but shit, he was only a red sock for 2 years lol

M(3:13 pm): Although to pop your OBP boner he is career .318 OBP and last year was .260 which was down for him

Z(3:14 pm): 318 obp aint that good

OBP boner sequence not initiated, I repeat, OBP boner sequence not initiated…

Z(3:15 pm): I mean hell, even castro has had higher obp’s than that every year but one

Oh Mylanta did Zane just use an apostrophe…!?!?

M(3:15 pm): Yeah I mean welly was career .325.  I’m just comparing catcher because that’s not really a position you count on for hitting

M(3:15 pm): But paying a backup that much really hurts

Z(3:17 pm): Yeah I just hope him and lester dont come in and try to make us red sox Midwest.  Im not sure what im afraid of, but Its gotta be rizzo’s team with lester doin his job as an ace and helping rizzo lead when needed

Z(3:18 pm): And its maddons team.  Really, its maddons team

Is this the same Maddon that you wanted “bashed” because he has to wear glasses?

M(3:18 pm): Idk.  1) I don’t think Lester is that kind of a guy.  I think he’s a quiet leader.  2) I don’t mind Lester being the leader if that’s the case.  Him and Rizzo will be fine tho

Z(3:18 pm): Yep

M(3:18 pm): It’s just nuts tho because the team went from literally zero leaders to having a bunch now.  Maddon, Lester, Rizzo, Ross.  The list goes on

Z(3:21 pm): Do you ever wonder if ross is just like “damn every one thinks im some big difference making leader in the clubhouse but no one’s ever listened to me before.  Ah fuck it, i’ll just let them think that and see if they notice…”

Z(3:22 pm): It just seems too obvious to always call the backup catcher with a ring leader, and im not saying he isnt, but it could just be because hes a backup catcher with a ring so people just assume

M(3:27 pm): Yeah.  At the end of the day it comes down to whether or not you trust theo.  And I do but he hasn’t done many free agent signings since taking over and 2 so far have been bad kn my mind (Edwin and Ross)

Z(3:28 pm): Feldman maholm and hammels were dope tho

Z(3:30 pm): Its cool seeing the patience pay off in a team actually starting to come together, at least on paper.  The key is theo understands success goes beyond the top level.  Reason teams like cards and braves are so successful is they always have depth in the minors when guys go down.  We’re not there yet as far as depth, just big name prospects, but theo and jed understand it all

Say it loud: In Theo (and Jed) we trust!

M(4:06 pm): Yeah dude I’m loving it.  Straight up could talk Cubs every day forever

*Note: All Cubs players reported to Spring Training on this day, February 24th*

Check out ‘Part 2: Spring Training’ this Thursday!

Game of Thrones Recaps Are Played Out

by Jon Heem

Warning: Includes spoilers from Season 5 Episode 1 and all previous episodes.  I have not read the books, so don’t be a dick.

Quote of the Week(that also serves as a snapshot of American conservative principles):

 “The freedom to make my own mistakes was all I ever wanted.”-Mance Rayder.

 Imagine this meeting:

Rand Paul: Nice to meet you Mance, hope I can count on your vote in 2016.

Mance: I kneel for no one.

Rand: Uh haha, no kneeling necessary Mance, just looking for votes.

Mance: Nonetheless, I kneel for no one.

Rand: Ok….I’m confused…

-Scene-

Quick episode summary:

-Cersei was a mean child, too.

-Cersei is mean to Jaime, again.

-Littlefinger and Sansa make THE CUTEST couple, ever.

-Brienne of Tarth disdains Podrick Payne.  Typical.

-Dragon Mama has some making up to do with her dragons, eventually.

-Ser Loras has nothing to hide, anymore.

-Margaery is up to something, probably.

-Tyrion is a little grumpy after a day on the lake, understandably.

-Varys is ready to rage in Meereen, ASAP!

-Jon and Mance share a moment, briefly.

-The King Beyond the Wall is mercy killed by Jon whilst burning alive, nice.

Season 5 Death Predictions:

• Jaime(at the hands of Cersei)=Pending

• Stannis(at the hands of the Onion Knight)=Pending

• Varys(killed by someone)=Pending

• Ramsey Bolton(at the hands of Theon)=Pending

Questions answered:

• Is Tywin dead? Yep

• Is Cersei pissed? Totally

• Is Mance screwed? Sigh…yes.

• Is Ser Alliser alive? Sigh…yes.

Questions unanswered:

• Is the Hound dead…?

• Can Bran fly…?

• What’s Jorah up to…?

• Where be Drogon da dragon?

• Has The Mountain been turned into Bane yet?

• Is Sansa more of a Fallout Boy or My Chemical Romance fan?

• Was Fallout Boy and My Chemical Romance ever a musical rivalry?

New questions created: What happens to Jon now?

This question brings us to my favorite feature in this piece, the Jon Heem Recklessly Speculates and Attempts to Predict How This Show Shakes Out In the End brought to you by Hooked on Hodor.  Hooked on Hodor, Because Even Half-Giant Half-Wits Can Learn to Read Good.  The episode ended with Mance Rayder refusing to bend the knee to Stannis, so Stannis pulled a total Stannis and decided Mance needed to burn to death.  Jon didn’t like seeing his homie burn to death, so he mercy killed him with an arrow through the heart just as things(Mance) were heating up.  Then the episode ended.  Then it hit me: the writers just tipped their hand.  Not just a little bit tipped either, they just stood up in the middle of the hand, turned their cards over to reveal two pair, and watched confused while everyone else doubled down on their bets.  Way to go Weiss and Benioff.  Most probably let this key moment go right over their heads.  Some grabbed the key, but won’t unlock the door for everyone else.  Me?  I’m unlocking that fucking door and every door after.  I’ve cracked the code!

Here’s what’s going down: Stannis is gonna be pissed at Jon, like super pissed.  Stannis is a “King” and Jon is not and therefore Jon should be worried about stealing the show at one of Stannis’s world famous human BBQ’s.  On top of that, Jon isn’t exactly everyone’s favorite dewd, even within the Night’s Watch.  The Onion Knight points out some of his fellow wall watchers aren’t too happy with Jon for his perceived soft spot for the Free Folk.  Presumably, Ser Alliser will take the side of Stannis in any battle with Jon Snow.  The battle?  The battle for the hearts and minds of the Night’s Watch AND the Free Folk.

Jon has become increasingly ally-less with the loss of Pyp and Grenn.  He’s still got Edd and Sam, but Sam is far too preoccupied with Gilly to be an effective ally, and Edd is a better friend to have when you need an awesome “Yo Momma” joke than he is in political situations like this.  Jon’s power at the wall is about to be neutered.  I don’t think he’ll be directly imprisoned because of his malfeasance, but he’ll be a ghost on house arrest.  This is where things get more interesting, because we all know Jon is really into malfeasance for malfeasance’s sake.

In a few episodes from now, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to see Jon, disenchanted by the horrors being perpetuated by Stannis and the Red Woman on his belovedly sacred and autonomous society, freeing Tormund Giantsbane and siding with the Free Folk.  But, as Jon always does, he’s going to fuck this up because he doesn’t think ahead.  Puss out on killing Ygritte, thus losing sight of your fellow rangers in a foreign land?  GREAT JOB, JON.  Walk into the Free Folk camp after the battle at the wall, without a sword or any real plan?  YOU KNOW NOTHING JON SNOW.  So obviously, after Jon does something reckless and in direct defiance of his “Castle Black arrest” imposed by Stannis, Stannis will sentence him to death.  The Red Woman will support this, I’m sure something in Jon’s blood or semen(“Are you a virgin Jon Snow?”…”No”…”Good”) will help Stannis win the war.  The Onion Knight, however, ever the moral compass, will have had enough.  The Stannis he once knew no longer exists.  The Red Woman has arguably become the leader of his army.  The Onion Knight knows attempting to change Stannis’ mind will certainly lead to his own death.  Therefore, he teams up with the recently exiled Jorah Mormont, a new arrival at the Wall, to plan an overthrow of Stannis and the Red Woman.  It works.  Stannis and the Red Woman are killed, and Jon is anointed leader of the Free Folk army and the Night’s Watch.

But what now?  Jon himself has no ambitions of Kinghood, and knows that Winter IS Coming.  Time to turn his numbers on the very thing the Free Folk were attempting to escape from, the impending war with the White Walkers.  Hold that thought…

Daenerys, busy being a shitty Queen, gets that itch to make moves.  Varys and Tyrion on her side, she begins to sail towards Westeros.  But wait!  Her spurned never-quite-lover Jorah takes one last chance.  Knowing the Free Folk and Night’s Watch can’t hold off the White Walkers much longer, he pleads with Daenerys to bring her army and, most importantly, dragons, to the wall.  She listens.  The White Walkers are fucked because….dragon fire.  The three dragons wipe out the White Walker troops in no time.  In return for the help from the Mother of Dragons, Jon Snow pledges his people to her cause of overthrowing the current regime located in King’s Landing.  They march South and win back the throne for the Targaryen’s.

Game over!