We here at The Heem Teem have learned to take our “jobs” very seriously. As George Washington Carver once said, “With great heem, comes great responsibility.” That’s why we’re constantly busting our asses to stay one step ahead of our readers. We pride ourselves in offering you content you want and need before you even know you want and need it. Remember when you were wondering whether your favorite NFL QB was a stoner or not? Of course you don’t, because we answered that before you even realized it’s the only thing in the world you’d ever wanted to know.
It’s what we do, and today is no different, because in the very deep, dark crevices of your shining subconscious, you’ve always wanted to know what NFL player your favorite(and least favorite) Game of Thrones character would be. Well (subconsciously) wonder no more. Heem Teem writers Zane and Myles are back to help ease you through these scalding summer days when all you want is a new GoT episode and a good week for your fantasy team. This is the official pairing of Game of Thrones and the NFL the world has been begging for.
Jon Snow is…TONY ROMO
WHY: Both are maddeningly skilled talents AND leaders of men(sorry Jay Cutler), and both consistently do really, really stupid things. Jon and Tony are consistently banged up and bruised, but find ways to continue advancing.
Message to Tony: If Dez Bryant comes running in to the film room while you’re doing game prep, telling you that Terrell Owens has returned, do not follow him. I repeat…DO NOT FOLLOW HIM. Bryant, Jason Witten, Darren McFadden and Jerry Jones are going to pull out long knives and take turns stabbing you “For the ‘Boys’”. Just tell Dez you’re busy, trust me.
Arya Stark is…BRANDON MERRIWEATHER
WHY: If you haven’t noticed, Arya doesn’t really like those pesky “rules” when it gets in the way of her kill list. Brandon Merriweather, on the other hand, has been suspended six times in 8 seasons for going for the kill shot on defenseless receivers.
Message to Brandon: Arya has already gone blind, if you continue to ignore the “helmet-to-helmet” rules, you just might too. Don’t go blind Brandon.
Ramsay Bolton is…RICHARD SHERMAN
WHY: Because both absolutely fucking suck and are pretty much unanimously despised. They don’t shut up, they’re never up to any good, and worst of all, they continue to succeed in life.
Message to Richard: This is not a good thing, Richie. I know you’re currently reading this with a beaming smile of pride on your face, and that’s why we hate you.
Joffrey Baratheon is…ROGER GOODELL
WHY: If you’re asking why you have probably wandered into the wrong Heem Teem piece for you.
Message to Rog: Straighten up, idiot, and if Pacman Jones or Adrian Peterson offers you a taste of their famous homemade pigeon pie, eat it. What’s the worst that could happen?
Ned Stark is…PEYTON MANNING:
WHY: Too noble and good to last forever. No I don’t think Ned Stark was ever too into doing comedic commercials for the Westerosi equivalent of Papa John’s, but both were betrayed by the kingdom they gave their life too, in Ned’s case the Seven Kingdoms, in Peyton’s the Indianapolis Colts. Both Ned and Peyton have had well documented neck problems as well.
Message to Peyton: If I were you I’d be careful trusting John Elway too much. He’s always had a crush on your wife since they were little kids and will do anything to protect his legacy and further his power stronghold.
Tywin Lannister is…BILL BELICHICK
WHY: Another one that was almost too easy. Ruthlessly efficient? Yep. The personalities of a bologna sandwich? Sure. Willing to do whatever it takes to win, whether that means deflating footballs or orchestrating a wedding massacre with a few strokes of the pen? No problem for these two. You don’t like them, they’re great at their jobs, and they definitely do not have time for things like ‘fun’ or ‘smiling’.
Message to Bill: Listen, Billy Boy, I don’t know you. I don’t know if you have a dwarf son who you’ve mistreated your entire life and would do anything to see murdered. I really have no clue. All I’m saying is that if you do have a dwarf son, do not sleep with said dwarf son’s favorite whore. Also, if you’re going to the privy, take your crossbow with you. You never know when that dwarf son you’ve just sentenced to death will come in the men’s room looking for revenge.
Theon Greyjoy is…CARMELO ANTHONY
WHY: Yes, we know Carmelo doesn’t play football. However, Melo, like Theon, found himself in a cold and snowy place far away from his birthplace. Both were always destined to be the 3rd best among their peers, Melo behind ‘Bron and D-Wade, Theon behind Robb and Jon. Eventually, a nagging feeling of being underappreciated consumed the two so they left for more glory only to find out they each made the worst decision of their lives(Carmelo with the Knicks, Theon with Ramsay). Torture, in Theon’s case literally, ensues, to the point where each becomes a sympathetic loser. You’re not necessarily rooting for them, but you want to see the torture stop. It’s gone on long enough.
Message to ‘Melo: James Dolan is kind of your Ramsay Bolton dude. Jus’ sayin….
Robb Stark is…RICKY WILLIAMS
WHY: Ricky and Robb each made decisions they knew would haunt them, and they both did it in the name of love. Robb loved his fiancé more than the Frey girl he was supposed to marry, so he said forget the Frey’s and married her. Ricky loved weed, even though he knew it would get him in trouble, so he said fuck the NFL and kept smoking weed. Ricky is at least alive, though.Message to Ricky: Don’t listen to your mom, man, like about anything. Just ignore her. You are the King of the Ganj Ricky, KING OF THE GANJ.
Jorah Mormont is…LeBRON JAMES
WHY: No, he’s not a football player, but he’s football player sized. Jorah, like LeBreezy, betrayed the one he loved and became despised by those he had once served so loyally. Eventually, he worked his way back into the arms of Khaleesi like LeBron did with Cleveland, and helped her out of a dire situation and became a trusted member of the team once again.
Message to LeBron: If you have Greyscale, don’t let that shit linger man. The NBA might have let Magic Johnson back, but Greyscale is a different beast.
Rickon Stark is…L.A. FOOTBALL
WHY: Because we may never see either again.
Message to L.A. Football: Where are you bro? You can trust me. Where are you?
Hodor is…ROB GRONKOWSKI
WHY: Seemingly gentle and fun-loving giants who becomes violent when it’s ride or die time. Both are missing most of their brain cells. Plus, it’s really fun to imagine Gronk only being able to say the word ‘gronk’.
Message to Gronk: Hodor?
The Hound is…ELI MANNING
WHY: Each is a less talented version than his older brother.
Message to Eli: It could have been a lot worse dude. It’s not like Peyton held your face to a fire for stealing/playing with his favorite toy.
Ser Barristan is…BRETT FAVRE
WHY: Both are dead now, I think, *checking…* ok so Favre is still technically alive but still. Both served one team forever before being forced out to accommodate new bosses and younger talent. Each then switched to the rival squad and served loyally before having their bodies permanently damaged and destroyed.
Message to Brett: …I got nothing. Just glad to know you’re still alive brotha. How do you feel about playing for the Bear-WHAT? I’M JUST ASKING…
Tyrion Lannister is…PETE CARROLL?
WHY: Why not? Tyrion is a difficult one to peg, but this comes fairly close. Both have been doubted at every level they’ve been put in charge only to continue to succeed and survive. Both seem like fun dudes to get a beer with, in no small part because each is generally capable of staying upbeat and happy.
Message to Pete: Daddy doesn’t love you.
Stannis Baratheon is…JIM HARBAUGH
WHY: Way too intense, leads team to the brink but can’t get over the hump. Both were ultimately abandoned by their squads and left to die(or you know, go to Michigan).
Message to Jim: Listen, guy, don’t burn your daughter at the stake. We all know you’re capable of this kind of intense stupidity. Don’t do it. Michigan can rise again without you going that far. Untie your daughter, get rid of the wood pyre, and just act like you didn’t almost do what we know you almost did. Be coo, Jim.
Tommen Baratheon is…MARK SANCHEZ
WHY: Thrust into the spotlight before being ready, both Tommen and Sanchez are also huge pussies, and really like pussy.
Message to Mark: Even Tommen hasn’t had anything as bad as the butt fumble. Just wanted to remind you about the butt fumble. Butt fumble.
You are all so welcome.
This is what we have, but we know there is more. Send your suggestions to The Heem Teem Facebook page or email us at heemteem217@gmail.com.
Valar morghulis.
Zane Writes Well 