Which NFL Player is Your (Least)Favorite Game of Thrones Character?

We here at The Heem Teem have learned to take our “jobs” very seriously.  As George Washington Carver once said, “With great heem, comes great responsibility.”  That’s why we’re constantly busting our asses to stay one step ahead of our readers.  We pride ourselves in offering you content you want and need before you even know you want and need it.  Remember when you were wondering whether your favorite NFL QB was a stoner or not?  Of course you don’t, because we answered that before you even realized it’s the only thing in the world you’d ever wanted to know.

It’s what we do, and today is no different, because in the very deep, dark crevices of your shining subconscious, you’ve always wanted to know what NFL player your favorite(and least favorite) Game of Thrones character would be.  Well (subconsciously) wonder no more.  Heem Teem writers Zane and Myles are back to help ease you through these scalding summer days when all you want is a new GoT episode and a good week for your fantasy team.  This is the official pairing of Game of Thrones and the NFL the world has been begging for.

Jon Snow is…TONY ROMO

                                  

WHY: Both are maddeningly skilled talents AND leaders of men(sorry Jay Cutler), and both consistently do really, really stupid things.  Jon and Tony are consistently banged up and bruised, but find ways to continue advancing.

Message to Tony: If Dez Bryant comes running in to the film room while you’re doing game prep, telling you that Terrell Owens has returned, do not follow him.  I repeat…DO NOT FOLLOW HIM.  Bryant, Jason Witten, Darren McFadden and Jerry Jones are going to pull out long knives and take turns stabbing you “For the ‘Boys’”.  Just tell Dez you’re busy, trust me.

Arya Stark is…BRANDON MERRIWEATHER

WHY: If you haven’t noticed, Arya doesn’t really like those pesky “rules” when it gets in the way of her kill list.  Brandon Merriweather, on the other hand, has been suspended six times in 8 seasons for going for the kill shot on defenseless receivers.

Message to Brandon: Arya has already gone blind, if you continue to ignore the “helmet-to-helmet” rules, you just might too.  Don’t go blind Brandon.

Ramsay Bolton is…RICHARD SHERMAN

WHY: Because both absolutely fucking suck and are pretty much unanimously despised.  They don’t shut up, they’re never up to any good, and worst of all, they continue to succeed in life.

Message to Richard: This is not a good thing, Richie.  I know you’re currently reading this with a beaming smile of pride on your face, and that’s why we hate you.

Joffrey Baratheon is…ROGER GOODELL

WHY: If you’re asking why you have probably wandered into the wrong Heem Teem piece for you.

Message to Rog: Straighten up, idiot, and if Pacman Jones or Adrian Peterson offers you a taste of their famous homemade pigeon pie, eat it.  What’s the worst that could happen?

Ned Stark is…PEYTON MANNING:

WHY:  Too noble and good to last forever.  No I don’t think Ned Stark was ever too into doing comedic commercials for the Westerosi equivalent of Papa John’s, but both were betrayed by the kingdom they gave their life too, in Ned’s case the Seven Kingdoms, in Peyton’s the Indianapolis Colts.  Both Ned and Peyton have had well documented neck problems as well.

Message to Peyton: If I were you I’d be careful trusting John Elway too much.  He’s always had a crush on your wife since they were little kids and will do anything to protect his legacy and further his power stronghold.

Tywin Lannister is…BILL BELICHICK

WHY: Another one that was almost too easy.  Ruthlessly efficient? Yep.  The personalities of a bologna sandwich?  Sure.  Willing to do whatever it takes to win, whether that means deflating footballs or orchestrating a wedding massacre with a few strokes of the pen?  No problem for these two.  You don’t like them, they’re great at their jobs, and they definitely do not have time for things like ‘fun’ or ‘smiling’.

Message to Bill: Listen, Billy Boy, I don’t know you.  I don’t know if you have a dwarf son who you’ve mistreated your entire life and would do anything to see murdered.  I really have no clue.  All I’m saying is that if you do have a dwarf son, do not sleep with said dwarf son’s favorite whore.  Also, if you’re going to the privy, take your crossbow with you.  You never know when that dwarf son you’ve just sentenced to death will come in the men’s room looking for revenge.

Theon Greyjoy is…CARMELO ANTHONY

WHY: Yes, we know Carmelo doesn’t play football.  However, Melo, like Theon, found himself in a cold and snowy place far away from his birthplace.  Both were always destined to be the 3rd best among their peers, Melo behind ‘Bron and D-Wade, Theon behind Robb and Jon.  Eventually, a nagging feeling of being underappreciated consumed the two so they left for more glory only to find out they each made the worst decision of their lives(Carmelo with the Knicks, Theon with Ramsay).  Torture, in Theon’s case literally, ensues, to the point where each becomes a sympathetic loser.  You’re not necessarily rooting for them, but you want to see the torture stop.  It’s gone on long enough.

Message to ‘Melo: James Dolan is kind of your Ramsay Bolton dude.  Jus’ sayin….

Robb Stark is…RICKY WILLIAMS

WHY: Ricky and Robb each made decisions they knew would haunt them, and they both did it in the name of love.  Robb loved his fiancé more than the Frey girl he was supposed to marry, so he said forget the Frey’s and married her.  Ricky loved weed, even though he knew it would get him in trouble, so he said fuck the NFL and kept smoking weed.  Ricky is at least alive, though.

Message to Ricky: Don’t listen to your mom, man, like about anything.  Just ignore her.  You are the King of the Ganj Ricky, KING OF THE GANJ.

Jorah Mormont is…LeBRON JAMES

WHY: No, he’s not a football player, but he’s football player sized.  Jorah, like LeBreezy, betrayed the one he loved and became despised by those he had once served so loyally.  Eventually, he worked his way back into the arms of Khaleesi like LeBron did with Cleveland, and helped her out of a dire situation and became a trusted member of the team once again.

Message to LeBron: If you have Greyscale, don’t let that shit linger man.  The NBA might have let Magic Johnson back, but Greyscale is a different beast.

Rickon Stark is…L.A. FOOTBALL

WHY: Because we may never see either again.

Message to L.A. Football: Where are you bro?  You can trust me.  Where are you?

Hodor is…ROB GRONKOWSKI

WHY: Seemingly gentle and fun-loving giants who becomes violent when it’s ride or die time.  Both are missing most of their brain cells.  Plus, it’s really fun to imagine Gronk only being able to say the word ‘gronk’.

Message to Gronk: Hodor?

The Hound is…ELI MANNING

WHY: Each is a less talented version than his older brother.

Message to Eli: It could have been a lot worse dude.  It’s not like Peyton held your face to a fire for stealing/playing with his favorite toy.

Ser Barristan is…BRETT FAVRE

WHY: Both are dead now, I think, *checking…* ok so Favre is still technically alive but still.  Both served one team forever before being forced out to accommodate new bosses and younger talent.  Each then switched to the rival squad and served loyally before having their bodies permanently damaged and destroyed.

Message to Brett: …I got nothing.  Just glad to know you’re still alive brotha.  How do you feel about playing for the Bear-WHAT?  I’M JUST ASKING…

Tyrion Lannister is…PETE CARROLL?

WHY: Why not?  Tyrion is a difficult one to peg, but this comes fairly close.  Both have been doubted at every level they’ve been put in charge only to continue to succeed and survive.  Both seem like fun dudes to get a beer with, in no small part because each is generally capable of staying upbeat and happy.

Message to Pete: Daddy doesn’t love you.

Stannis Baratheon is…JIM HARBAUGH

WHY: Way too intense, leads team to the brink but can’t get over the hump.  Both were ultimately abandoned by their squads and left to die(or you know, go to Michigan).

Message to Jim: Listen, guy, don’t burn your daughter at the stake.  We all know you’re capable of this kind of intense stupidity.  Don’t do it.  Michigan can rise again without you going that far.  Untie your daughter, get rid of the wood pyre, and just act like you didn’t almost do what we know you almost did.  Be coo, Jim.

Tommen Baratheon is…MARK SANCHEZ

WHY: Thrust into the spotlight before being ready, both Tommen and Sanchez are also huge pussies, and really like pussy.

Message to Mark: Even Tommen hasn’t had anything as bad as the butt fumble.  Just wanted to remind you about the butt fumble.  Butt fumble.

You are all so welcome.

This is what we have, but we know there is more.  Send your suggestions to The Heem Teem Facebook page or email us at heemteem217@gmail.com.

Valar morghulis.

Basketball Baby Jesus: Cavaliers-Bulls

With the Cleveland Cavaliers and Chicago Bulls set to begin their highly anticipated Eastern Conference Semifinals series tonight, a game many consider to be the East’s play-in game to the NBA Finals, the one and only Basketball Baby Jesus breaks down 10 factors that will determine who moves on.

1. Key Individual-The wording is crucial here.  It’s too easy to pick out one key player, any player really, and justify it.  The key individual here is Bulls coach Tom Thibodeau.  Thibs is the best coach in this series, hands down.  If anyone can figure out a way to dismantle a LeBron led team in ‘Popovichian’ style it’s Thibs.  How will he take advantage of J.R. Smith’s absence?  How will he take advantage of J.R. Smith’s presence?  Will Jimmy Butler guard LeBron all game or just during crunch time?  How Thibs uses his advantage over rookie Cavs coach David Blatt is crucial.

2. It takes two-Controversial statement that isn’t all that controversial…Kyrie Irving is the 2nd best player in this series.  Jimmy Butler would be 3rd and Rose/Pau 4th if you were wondering.  But Kyrie is the only one of those guys capable of going for 45 and winning a game on his own.  He can’t just be good; he has to dominate offensively night in and night out for the Cavs to have a chance, because having the best two players on the floor is the Cavs primary advantage.

3. Third banana-Calling Pau Gasol the 3rd banana on the Bulls is a bit unfair, considering there were long stretches this season with Butler and Rose out where he was THE guy.  But this is playoff time, and helpful or not, Rose is going to have the ball a lot more than Pau (but hopefully not Jimmy).  Pau has to have a great series.  He could see extended stretches with the likes of LeBron James and Kendrick Perkins on him.  In these cases, and even when Timofey Mozgov is guarding him as well, Pau needs to get touches in the paint area.  Also, the matchup to see who complains more to refs throughout the series, Pau or LeBron, is an interesting subplot.

4. Lucky Number-Four is my lucky number, and telling you this is just a way for me to transition into discussing the Cavs own #4, Iman Shumpert.  Shumpert is crucial for the Cavs on both ends of the ball, because if they want to win they’re going to need contributions from these less heralded players.  Shumpert needs to be the player he was in Game 4 against Boston, when he put up a 15 and 10 while going 3 for 4 from the field and 8 of 8 from the line in 38 minutes.  He needs to not be the player from game 3 who only scored 4 points and grabbed one board in 21 minutes.  Shumpert will likely be tasked with guarding Jimmy Butler for most of the game, but needs to be able to provide offensive support, especially getting to the line and knocking down 3’s(he was 40% from deep in Round 1).

5. Starting Five-The Bulls have the advantage here, especially without J.R. Smith playing the first two games because of suspension.  The Bulls will run out Rose-Butler-Dunleavy-Gasol-Noah.  The Cavs will go with Irving-Shumpert (for Smith)-James-Thompson (probably, and for Love)-Mozgov.  Before the injuries to Love and suspension for Smith, the Cavs actually would have had the better starting lineup, talent wise.  The Bulls starting 5 is more comfortable playing together, and play much better team defense.  One note about Thompson starting, which isn’t for sure, is that though he is the best defensive option to matchup with the Bulls, offensively him and Mozgov will clog the lane and fail to provide that stretch option that Love gave opponents fits with.

6. The Old LeBron-I know I know, LeBron switched back to #23 on his return to Cleveland, but I needed something for #6.  LeBron is still, without a doubt (SHUTUP BULLS FANS) the best basketball player on the planet.  He just is.  He is also a notorious Bulls killer come playoff time.  In 15 career games against the Bulls in the playoffs, LeBron is 12-3 while averaging 28/8/7 in those games.  There’s really no reason to think LeBron won’t be the same LeBron as always in this series.  He’s the most skilled, unselfish, ruthless player on the floor, and he knows he’s about to have to turn it up to a new level for this series.  Which take us to #7…

7. What’s in the Box? –Jimmy Butler is going to guard LeBron.  Jimmy Butler is a very, very good defender.  He’s also the most crucial offensive weapon on the floor for the Bulls.  While many have understandably focused on how Butler’s offense will suffer while guarding LeBron for 40+ minutes a game, isn’t it also fair to question how his defense will fare at the end of games after guarding LeBron for 40+ minutes AND trying to score 25 points on the other end?  I’m not saying Jimmy can’t do both of these things, I’m just saying if he does it will be VERY special.  The right thing for the Bulls to do would be to spell Jimmy early and often on defense with Tony Snell, saving the Butler-James matchups until crunch time.

8. Crazy 8’s-Who else could anything labeled crazy be about than the inimitable J.R. Smith.  Disclaimer: As a Dark Ages throwback, the Basketball Baby Jesus LOVES J.R.  The real question though, is just how valuable will Smith’s absence in the first two games, and in however many games come after that, be.  J.R. has undoubtedly been a huge part of the Cavs resurgence since joining the team mid-season, but I think the impact of him sitting out for two games is mitigated by several factors.  The first factor is that he’s J.R. Smith and is just likely to shoot you out of a game (something he’s done much less of as a Cav), as he is to keep you in it.  The second factor is that the Cavs will be playing the two games without him at home, which will help provide an energy boost they’ll need to overcome his absence.  Finally, the fact of the matter is that this is not like losing Love, LeBron or Kyrie for two games, losses that immediately affect the team.  Losing a J.R. Smith won’t really change anything over two games.  If he were to be out for the whole series, than the issue of depth and having to choose between the deadly trio of Matthew Dellevadova, Mike Miller, and James Jones would be meaningful.  That being said, the Bulls have to steal one of these first two games in Cleveland.  Failing to beat the Cavs without J.R. Smith, even in Cleveland, should be seen as a major defeat.

9. Nine Lives-Let’s just all bow our heads and ask the Old Gods (and the New) to keep Derrick Rose healthy throughout this series, and forever more, amen.

10. 2010(2011)-Bulls fans love to talk about this being their first healthy team in a long time.  They’re right, the Bulls haven’t had every key player back for the playoffs (how healthy they are is a different story, but everyone is banged up at this point) since the 2010 Eastern Conference Finals.  Who did they play in 2010?  LeBron James and the Heat.  The Bulls were the #1 seed that year and Derrick Rose was the MVP.  What happened?  The Heat took the series 4-2 before losing to the Mavericks in the Finals.  Most memorable was the job LeBron James did shutting down Derrick Rose’s offensive game.  He was completely boxed up.  I don’t know if LeBron can still do that, or if the matchups will even allow him to try, but that’s always stuck in my head as one of the great “I got this” moments of LeBron’s career.  Now Kyrie has replaced D-Wade, no one has replaced Chris Bosh, and the Bulls have Butler instead of Luol Deng.  Five years later and nothing has really changed.

Prediction: Cavs in 6

These two teams are the perfect foils for each other.  They each have advantages and disadvantages they can tap into.  Basically, I think it’s weak to pick a team to win in 7.  It’s basically saying you have no idea who is going to win.  I really don’t have any idea who will win, but I also can’t get that 2010 series out of my head.  The Bulls love to try and bully LeBron, and I think that gets into their own heads more than it does his.  They start playing out of their element, further helping LeBron along the way.  Did I mention LeBron is playing?  He’s the best player on the floor, it’s not even close, and I think he’s going to play like it.  Kyrie will gain the edge over Rose, and Jimmy Butler and Pau playing great still won’t be enough for the Bulls to overcome LeBron and Kyrie.  I think they split the first two in Cleveland and the second two in Chicago, and then Cleveland wins the next two, finishing out the series at the United Center.  It should be an awesome series with uncommon intensity for a semifinal matchup.  These two teams, LeBron and the Bulls, don’t like each other.  Sit back and enjoy the animosity. 

NBA MVP Update: Russell Motherf*&^*&n Westbrook Ya’ll

MVP Race(All-Star Break)

5. John Wall

4. Anthony Davis

3. LeBron James

2. James Harden

1. Steph Curry

Not listed: Russ Westbrook

MVP Race currently(Mar. 5):

5. Anthony Davis

4. LeBron James

3. Steph Curry

2. James Harden

1. Russ Westbrook

First things first, I’m not gonna talk about The Vine.  Chances are you’ve probably seen it.  If not, watch it at the bottom.  It’s awesome.

Secondly, I fudged up fellas.  A little more than two weeks ago, during the All-Star Break, I declined to put Russ Westbrook in the top five of my immensely meaningful MVP ballot.  My reasoning primarily centered around my worry that with his 1st half injury troubles it would be hard for him to accumulate enough games to challenge the remarkably healthy Steph Curry and James Harden.

I didn’t put him on my ballot, despite his being my preseason MVP pick, so some of you may look at him being #1 on my new ballot today and determine I’m just jumping on the Westbrook bandwagon that’s taken off in the last two weeks.  On the surface this seems fair, but c’mon, would a person jumping on a particular band’s wagon really have this to say two weeks prior…

“Westbrook is an interesting player here, because it’s not inconceivable to think Russ is about to do something we’ve never seen before in the second half of the season and steal the MVP.  I didn’t even include Russ on my top 5 MVP list, but not only would I not be surprised to see Russ make an MVP hero run, I’m rooting for it and half-expecting it…Russ without a doubt has the least chill of NBA player in history.  He has no idea what chill is.  That’s why Russ is so awesome man.  He’s made up of the four main ingredients that any great person must consist of; he’s Cool; he’s Classy; he’s Bold; and he’s Hard…ok maybe Russ isn’t all that hard, but we’ll cheat a little bit here because he has more Boldness in him than any human being can possible handle.”

(I’ll pause while you consider the possibility of me being a psychic)

(Still pausing)

(I’m not a psychic dummies, just a Basketball Baby Jesus)

(Unpause)

For those of you living under a rock(includes: work, school, homework, family obligations, sleeping, and literally living under a rock), Russ is doing something many of us have never been alive to see.  He just became the first player since MJ 26 years ago to have 4 straight triple-doubles.  I’m 23.  He also became only the 3rd player ever, after MJ and Pistol Pete Maravich, to record consecutive triple-doubles while scoring over 40 points.  He fractured his cheekbone, missed one game, and came back to put up 49 points, 16 rebounds, and 10 assists last night.  Yes, it took overtime to beat the 76ers, but imagine how bad it would have been WITHOUT Westbrook.  OKC is 6-1 with Westbrook since the All-Star Break, and 8-2 in their last 10, all without the man normally considered to be the alpha dog of the team, reigning MVP Kevin Durant.  Reggie Jackson is gone, which is meaningful.  Kendrick Perkins as well, which isn’t.  Sometimes fans like to lash out when they see a player dominating 40% his team’s percentage of possessions like Westbrook has since the Break, and sometimes fans are right.  But Westbrook’s run seems different.  There are only a handful of players in every generation that can play full-on “hero ball” while still leading his team to victories.

Hero-ball, by my definition, should not be confused with a “heat check”.  Plenty of players in the NBA are capable of taking over any single game scoring wise; guys that once they get hot, they stay hot and everything falls.  These are “heat-check” guys.  Lou Williams is one of these guys.  Bradley Beal is one of these guys.  Shit, even Nick Young deserves the moniker, though not as often as he thinks.  Every single team has one of those guys that goes off for 30+ five to ten times a game, leading their team to victory or at least keeping them in the game.  These guys are important, but they are prone to disappearing for long stretches, and ultimately are rarely the kind of guys you want to be “THE GUY” on your team.

“Hero-ball” players on the other hand are the guys that can lead their teams to victory every single night.  They’re the guys that can look the rest of their teammates in the eyes and say, “get the fuck out my way” and his teammates actually listen.  And it works!   How many players can lead an otherwise mediocre team to the playoffs, or keep their team afloat when their teammates go down for long stretches?  Kobe was obviously one of those guys back in the day.

LeBron is one of those guys, and so is James Harden.  Steph has never had to play hero-ball because Klay stays healthy.  Kevin Durant should be one of those guys, but after the 2013 Playoffs, I’m not so sure.  Westbrook, though the sample size is small, is absolutely KILLING the hero ball game right now.  He reset his single game scoring record three times in the month of February alone, and the Thunder won every game.  He averaged 31/9/10.  Geezus.

So why does Westbrook seem entirely more capable of carrying a team on his own than Durant?  Sometimes, it’s a matter of want.  Even when Durant is on the court, Westbrook has the “hero-ball” mindset.  No other player in the NBA appears to care more about winning than Westbrook.  He’s not the most skilled player, but he will rip your throat out to beat you.  Planet Earth does not currently have a tool large enough to accurately measure the chip on Westbrook’s shoulder.

 One can imagine that when Westbrook goes down, Durant feels the pressure and begins to put too much weight on his shoulders.  When Durant goes down, one can imagine Westbrook smiling in the mirror, licking his pinkies and slicking back his eyebrows before quietly whispering to himself, “It’s showtime, Russ” followed by going off for 40/20/10 and most importantly, winning.

Maybe, Russ has just gotten hot.  He’s had chances to lead before and fallen short.  But now Russ has gone Super Saiyan, and for all my DBZ fans out there, you understand that this is a very good thing for the Thunder and a very bad thing for other teams.  He’s turned that corner, and I suspect that even when Durant returns, this will remain Westbrook’s team, for the better.

Ultimately, the idea of what an MVP should be depends on the person.  Personally, I’m not into this idea that the player has to play on one of the top teams in the league, but I do think they should make the playoffs.  My thinking is, you can’t be the most valuable player in the league if you don’t make the playoffs, even if your team would have finished 5th in the Big Ten, let alone the NBA, without you.  Steph has been great, but his MVP candidacy is unquestionably boosted by his team’s success.  Harden is incredible, but has struggled after the All-Star Break and his body may be wearing down from the pressure of having to pantomime getting fouled 30 times a night.  As refs catch on to Harden’s antics, he’s decided to simply up the performance art of his game rather than stop acting.  Last time I compared Harden to a tuba player in a jazz band.  Today, I’m going to compare him to Eddie Redmayne in The Theory of Everything, a movie I have not seen BTDUBS.  You respect the acting, but it’s not very fun to watch each person do his thing.  It feels dirty.

Russ is the drummer from Whiplash, I think(also have not seen).  Russ is Jake Gyllenhaal in Nightcrawler.  He’s a tour de force.  A person so determined and good at what they’re doing that you can’t help but laugh.  It’s uncomfortable because you’re pretty sure someone is going to die trying to stop them, but you can’t look away, it’s just that captivating.

That’s really the best word for Russ: captivating.  He’s still a long-shot for the “actual” MVP award, and he needs to continue to keep OKC on the right side of the playoff picture, but I consider myself “captivated” enough by Russ Westbrook to consider him my MVP on March 5.  Keep captivating Russ.

Ranking the Players of the NBA Dark Ages: The Top Five

Part 1 here

Part 2 here

Part 3 here

It started out, much like the beginning of the Dark Ages, with ample hope and wild dreams of success.  So much promise.  Now, to be frank, I just didn’t like the way the rankings panned out.

I started this column with one goal in mind and one goal only: I was going to prove that Allen Iverson was without a doubt the greatest player of the NBA Dark Ages.  I feel like I can admit that now.  Unfortunately, being the amateur mathematician that I am, I was unable to fudge the numbers enough to make it happen.  (I’m sorry AI, I know you could use a win these days.  Keep on truckin’ brotha.) So yeah, despite the fact that I recalibrated the subjective scales to give Iverson a better chance, and despite the fact that I tried to do the same thing several times until it worked, I have been forced to admit that based on the super refined and mind-blowing formula I created, Allen Iverson is not, in fact, the best player of the NBA Dark Ages.  It’s stupid, and unfair, and it’s the reason it has taken me so long to write these final five rankings despite the shouts and demands of at least four of my readers.

I just felt I needed to holdout in protest of myself, to send the message that it’s not ok to fail, and fail I did.  I failed to accomplish the only goal I originally set for this column, to make AI the winner.  I was unable to control my own ego and ambitions and I let this whole thing get away from me.  It’s despicable really and I deserved the boycott I gave myself.  Shame on me.

So now that I got you all amped up and excited for this, feel free to skip ahead and begin reading the Top 5 Player Rankings of the NBA Dark Ages, because I’m probably going to spend a little more time insisting that Allen Iverson should have been number one.  Enjoy.

PS: Allen Iverson was definitely the best player of the NBA Dark Ages.

PSS: Allen Iverson is the greatest, no matter what that idiot Zane says.

PSSS: Allen Iverson, super-hero, future world leader, rumored Super Saiyan, is the only true winner of these rankings.

PSSSS: Allen Iverson is the greatest NBA player of all time.

PSSSSS: I take back that last statement, or do I…

5. Kobe Bryant

-3 1st teams, 2 2nd teams, 2 3rd teams=+15

-3 NBA Champs=+9

-6 all star games=+6

-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7

-1 season 2+ steals=+1

-Name rec.=+10

-Career pt=+6

-Coolness=+5

Total=59

Kobe Bean.  The Kobester.  Kobe Dick.  Arguably one of the greatest guards to ever play the game.  Arguably one of the greatest players of all-time.  But he is inarguably, the (second) greatest asshole to ever play the game and that is totally OK in my book.

Does Kobe come off as a guy that has many friends?  Well, no, but Kobe does have 5 rings, the only friends he’s never lost.  Does Kobe have Donald Trump levels of lack of self-awareness?  Well, yes, at least he used to.  These days he’s seemed to embrace his Kobe-ness.

 At one time Kobe absolutely failed to realize just how annoying he was, something that became most clear during the Shaq-Kobe fallout that Shaq undeniably won.  It also became noticeable that one very forgettable time when Kobe demanded he be traded out of L.A..  Remember that Kobe fans next time you lump in Kobe with MJ while arguing that they will always be better than LeBron because they stayed with one team.  Kobe actively and loudly tried to get out of L.A., and failed.  It was a big story for like a week and then everyone kind of just forgot about it after 2007.  But I digress, because it’s starting to sound like I dislike Kobe, which could not be any farther from the truth.

Kobe is a Dark Ages God, but his most Dark Agey seasons(’05-’06, ’06-’07, and ’14-?) all came after the official ending of the Dark Ages.  This is because when you have Shaquille O’ Neal on your team, it’s hard to get too Dark Agey with it.  Same with Pau Gasol(though Lamar Odom was always down to revive the Dark Ages).  Winning basketball games and being a Dark Age folk hero never could go hand in hand.  Allen Iverson(ALLEN IVERSON!!) came the closest of any  Dark Ages hero to winning a championship while also never straying from his Dark Age roots.  Kobe on the other hand, had to play this thing called “team basketball” every now and then.  Thanks a lot Phil!

But none of this matters now, because Kobe is still playing, and a month and a half into the season he is putting together one of the most Dark Agey seasons of all time.  Single-handedly carrying an undermanned team?  Single –handedly, yes.  Carrying?  They’re currently 5-17, so that’s hard to claim.  But they also just benched Jeremy Lin for a dude named Ronny Price.  The point being, Kobe might have more wins if he was on the 76ers right now.  His supporting cast is that awful.  So has Kobe decided to play hero ball and shoot as many shots as humanly possible in every single game, disregarding the growing number of missed shots?  Of course he has, vintage Kobester is back baby!!  39% shooting, 25 ppg and 22 shots per game, and it’s not even Christmas yet.  My parents asked me to come up with a Christmas list the other day, I said “back up dudes, I don’t need nothing this year ‘cuz Kobe Dick is back!”  Also, he set the record for most missed shots in a career this year.  I hope Kobe plays until he’s 50.  Kobe Bryant is the Brett Favre of basketball.  I can think of no higher compliment.

4. Kevin Garnett

-3 1st teams, 3 2nd teams, 1 3rd team=+16

-NBA MVP=+3

-6 all star games=+6

-2x reb leader=+2

-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7

-7 seasons 10+rbs=+7

-1 season 2+ blks=+1

-Name rec.=+6

-Career pt=+8

-Coolness=+6

-Total=62

KG also seems like a dick, but in a less lovable way.  KG is a dick in the same way Richard Sherman is a dick, in that they’re both supremely gifted athletes who can’t help but TELL everyone just how supremely gifted they are.  Or, in KG’s case, he just can’t shut up about ANYTHING on the court.  Seriously, watch Kevin Garnett next time the Nets are playing(yes, amazingly, Kevin Garnett is still playing.  As someone who nicknamed himself the Basketball Baby Jesus in the last edition of this column, I must admit I legitimately thought KG had retired after last season).  He never stops being annoying, which is even more annoying now that KG isn’t KG anymore.  Now to be fair, word on the street is that KG is a beloved teammate, and that nobody works harder, but that’s a boring narrative and I refuse to follow it.

Kevin Garnett was a great player though, and despite spending his prime on some up-and-down Timberwolves teams, he firmly belongs in the top five of this list.  His championship came with the Celtics later on, but when Kevin Garnett had to be THE GUY on those Timberwolves teams, he was undeniably THE GUY.  Unfortunately, the Dark Ages was a time when NBA Teams thought having THE GUY on a team was enough to win despite surrounding him with a bunch of THOSE guys.  It didn’t work, and the Dark Ages couldn’t end until teams began to realize that.  KG, however, was always more than just an offensive force.  He did lame things like play help defense and rebound.

He was great in Captain Phillips, though.

3. Allen Iverson

-3 1st teams, 3 2nd teams=+15

-1 MVP=+3

-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7

-4 time scoring champ=+4

-7 seasons 2+ stls=+7

-6 all star games=+6

Name rec=+8

Career pt=+10

Coolness=+10

Total=70

Thank goodness I’m typing this out, because otherwise the writing would be rendered illegible from the flood of tears cascading from my eyes right now.  AI, #3, The Answer, My Muse.  He. Was. The. Coolest.  Which brings us to the last edition of Things Zane Finds Cool, brought to you by The Heem Teem.

Things Zane Finds Cool include: cornrows, headbands w/ cornrows, profane tattoos that the NBA requires to be covered up, arm wraps to cover said tattoo, profane rap albums, and crossovers.

Allen Iverson was more than a basketball player, he was a living, breathing cultural argument.  He was the definition of staying true to himself; all of the money in the world couldn’t persuade this man to buy a suit and tie.  He was put on this earth to play basketball and everything else that could possibly distract from that(like practice)

was of no interest to him.  Dads couldn’t look at Allen Iverson on or off the court without blabbering about how basketball was being ruined by a bunch of ball hogs lacking fundamentals.  Kids like myself couldn’t watch him on or off the court without wondering if 11 years old was too young for a tattoo of a naked lady on our chests.  I would have guaranteed as a 9 year old falling in love with Allen Iverson for the first time that I would have had cornrows by now.  Guaran-frickin-teed it.  Iverson also changed basketball.  I’m 90% sure the term “breaking ankles” didn’t exist before Iverson and I’m 98% sure he invented the jump-stop.  He even did this to the Greatest.

Everyone in this top 10 was probably some kids favorite basketball player at some point, and Allen Iverson was mine.  I could write all day about this, but I’m going to save that for another piece at another time.  If you want to keep reading, fine.  But I’m going to watch this Iverson highlight video a few dozen times and call it a night…

2. Tim Duncan

-7 1st teams=+21

-3 NBA Champs=+9

-2 MVP’s=+6

-3 Finals MVP’s=+3

-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7

-7 seasons 10+ rbs=+7

-7 seasons 2+ blks=+7

-6 all star games=+6

-Name recognition=+7

-Career pt=+9

-Coolness=+4

-Total=86

You know who was absolutely no kid ever in the history of the world’s favorite player: Tim Duncan.  This list is stupid because Tim Duncan is involved.  Tim Duncan has embraced the opposite of everything that ever made Allen Iverson cool.  Bank shots are lame Tim.  I have nothing else to add to this, other than to say it was very difficult to remove TD from number 1 on this list, so despite the fact that I’m upset about him being on this list, I have to accept that removing him from the top spot is the best and only consolation I’m going to get.

1. Shaquille O’ Neal

-6 1st teams, 1 2nd team=+20

-1 MVP=+3

-3 Finals MVP’s=+3

-3 NBA Champs=+9

-1x scoring champ=+1

-6 all star games=+6

-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7

-7 seasons 10+ rbs=+7

-6 seasons 2+ blks=+6

-Name rec=+10

-Career pt=+9

-Coolness=+8

-Total=89

Did I want Allen Iverson to be #1 on this list?  Well, yes, how did you guess?  Shaq is a great consolation victor, though.  For one, he was unbelievably dominant for a man who struggled to stay healthy and in shape throughout his career.  For two, he did Kazaam, which I’m pretty sure was runner up to The Highlander for the Academy Awards’ Best Movie Ever Made.

He was also an honorary cop; it doesn’t seem like something anyone would want to be, but Shaq loved that shit.  He also made this rap about Kobe.  He did this dance at an All-Star game, and he was the first person to realize that Dwight Howard is without a doubt the most annoying professional athlete in the world today.  Shaq at full strength was better than anyone else at full strength, including Duncan.  It wasn’t even that close really.  Shaq destroyed people with dunks, and when you thought the dunk destroying was over, he dunk destroyed you even more.

Shaq became almost as famous for his horrific free throw shooting as he did for his dunks, and even turned down the great Rick Barry’s offer to teach him how to shoot free throws granny style.  Now some would say,

“Now Shaquille, don’t you think you’re being a little silly not wanting to shoot free throws underhanded?  It’s not like what you’re doing over-handed is working.  Just give it a try, bud.”

I say, bravo Shaq.  Rick Barry can take his stupid granny free-throws and shove it, because you know what is waaaaaay cooler than shooting a high free throw percentage?  Not shooting free throws granny style.  And the Dark Ages was all about style before substance, so Shaq absolutely made the right decision with that one.  He also was the easy winner of the Shaq-Kobe feud, which really was a pretty big thing and had any basketball fan that mattered picking sides.

Shaq belongs at number 1 on this list because he took all the elements we’ve discussed that made the Dark Ages great and crafted his entire persona around them.  Maddeningly unfocused at times?  Check.  Hollywood personality?  Check.  Dominant basketball player?  Super check.  Shaq was as much of a spectacle as a basketball player, and in the present day when players like LeBron, Durant, and Anthony Davis seem to be pulling away from the desire to be larger than life personalities along with larger than life basketball talents, it’s refreshing to look back on the career of Shaquille O’ Neal and know that he did it his way.  Well done Shaq, you are the greatest player of the NBA Dark Ages.  Now make Kazaam 2 already, dammit.

The Basketball Baby Jesus Re-Drafts the NBA Class of 2013

Some NBA drafts are better than others.  It’s true.  For every 2003 draft, there’s a 2000 draft.  The simple truth about an NBA draft is that, more than any other sport, teams are often drafting players in the 1st round just hoping they can crack the rotation in a few years.  Unlike the NFL draft where even 2nd and 3rd round picks are expected to be starters in a year or two, the expectations are low for a player drafted with the 23rd pick in the NBA.  In the NBA, much like the MLB draft, teams are drafting on potential.  In the NFL, potential draftees have at least two years of college experience under their belt.  In the NHL…well who gives a fuck about hockey.  But in basketball, where many of the top picks were attending their Senior Prom just a year before, 19 year olds are selected because of what they MIGHT be when their 25.  In addition, international players are selected, often despite the fact that they aren’t even good enough to crack the regular rotation for their club teams, because maybe someday that wingspan will click with those soft hands and sweet jump shot and you have a Dirk Nowitzki.  But more often then not you get a Yi Jianlian.  The final ingredient in this absurd draft mix is the three or four year accomplished college player.  For every Shane Battier there is a Wayne Simon.  For every Markieff Morris there’s an Adam Morrison.  It’s a crapshoot people, but it’s a beautiful crapshoot.

As I discussed in yesterday’s column with the 2014 draft class, the majority of players drafted won’t be in the league in five years.  Even in the incredibly top-heavy draft of 2003, less than 50% of the players, 14/30, were still in the league by 2010.  Yes, LeBron, D-Wade, ‘Melo, and likely Bosh are headed to the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame, but beyond them, only Chris Kaman (5th pick), David West (18th), Josh Howard (29th), and Mo Williams (47th) have made an All-Star game from that class.  That’s eight All-Stars from a 58-person draft class, and that’s a Top 5 draft class of ALL TIME.  The much-maligned 2000 class had 3 players ever make an All-Star, the best of whom, Michael Redd, was a 2nd round pick.

The conclusion most would draw from this: NBA executives don’t have a clue.  The real reason is even simpler though; in a sport where only 5 players can start, most teams play only 8 or 9 man rotations, and teams can only carry 12 players total, there just isn’t that much room for new players entering the league.  On top of that, players can find lucrative deals overseas, where they get to play the sport they (presumably) love without having to worry about cracking a rotation.

The 2013 draft never looked good from the start, illustrated by the fact that no one knew who the number 1 pick was going to be until it was announced.  The guy many assumed would be that pick before the college season started was Nerlens Noel, who lost his spot after tearing his ACL midway through his collegiate campaign.  After that, both Alex Len and Victor Oladipo were groomed as possible #1 picks, but it was the already infamous Anthony Bennett who would eventually earn that honor.

Normally, as bad as a draft looks, there is at least one player who seems to be a certain future All-Star, and usually there are two such players.  Not in 2013.  Even the eternal optimist had trouble seeing any player in the 2013 class donning the All-Star jersey one day.  The consensus among many was that it would be a player outside the lottery that would eventually place him at the cream of the crop.  Luckily, as usually happens, unless the great David Stern got antsy, these hypeless players eventually got to actually play, and strangely enough, the pre-draft concern was completely warranted.  The rookies last year failed to impress, and Bennett did enough to make many question whether he would ever play meaningful minutes in the league.  Still, as we learned yesterday, a rookie season is hardly enough to make a sound judgment of where a player’s career will end up.  So, thank goodness that last year’s rookies came back this year and got to play ball again.  The results, as of the impending All-Star Break, are still unclear.  But, we (by we I mean I) have seen enough to have some sense of where these players’ careers are headed.

What follows is a re-ordering of the 2013 lottery how I would draft these players now if I was in charge of each team.  Note, this is not a prediction of how actual NBA decision makers would choose-over if given the chance, this is about me and my eyeballs and my brain.  Absolutely zero consideration was given to teams needs or wants at the time they originally drafted, because this isn’t football, an NBA team should ALWAYS take the best player available.  Next to each player’s name will be the team he would have gone too if re-drafted, the pick he actually did get selected, and a key as to which one of the three types of players I discussed earlier (young potential (YP), international potential (IP), and proven college guy (PCG).  I’ll also provide some insight into how these players have done so far and where I think they’re going.  In some cases I’ll examine how the team each player could have gone to would look right now if this re-draft had actually happened.  By the end, hopefully we’ll have some sort of understanding as to just how bad, or sneaky good, the 2013 draft class is.  Let’s begin:

1. Victor Oladipo (CLE)(2nd pick)(YP)

Analysis: What a difference a year makes.  As a rookie, Oladipo struggled to shoot 40% from the field and reaffirmed the suspicion that he is definitely NOT a point guard.  The Magic, to their credit, figured this out quick enough and used their first pick in 2014 to draft a natural point guard (Payton, Elfrid) … I wasn’t very high on Oladipo coming into the league.  I just didn’t see a natural basketball player.  Oladipo reminded me of a guy that lucked into his athleticism and length, but had no real clue how to put the ball in the basket when those assets were nullified by the defense … When playing point guard last year, my Oladipo projections proved true.  Very little came natural to him.  This year, since being freed up to be the ultra-athletic, Swiss army knife player he always needed to be, Oladipo has suddenly started looking like a future All-Star … or at least he looks like the next Andre Iguodala, so the question then becomes, which version of Iggy will he be, the constant-triple double threat he was in Philly and Denver, or the often forgettable but ultra-essential do it all player he has become in Golden State? ‘Dipo is shorter than Iggy, and doesn’t quite have the same feel for where his teammates are at all times on the floor, but he’s a hellacious defender who can run and dunk with the best of them … His shooting percentage is creeping up towards a very respectable 45% this year (sidenote: FG% is my favorite stat.  I’m all for shooting as much as you want as long as you make it) and his 3-point percentage looks like it should stabilize in the 35-37% range … I kind of doubt he ever becomes an All-Star, but he should settle in as a perennial All-Defensive Team player and the overqualified 3rd wheel on any good team … Speaking of being on good teams, allow me to imagine for a second that Oladipo really was drafted #1 by Cleveland, followed by them drafting (and keeping) Wiggins and signing LeBron.  Where is that Cleveland team at this year?  Is that the most athletic team ever?  Sure, one of them (probably Vic) would have to come off the bench, but just imagine LeBron flying down the court with Oladipo and Wiggins on each side and Kyrie lurking somewhere for three.  If that’s not enough to take you from flaccid to erect real quick I don’t know what is.

2. Giannis Antetokounmpo (ORL)(15)(IP)

Analysis: The Greek Freak.  I originally had Giannis as the new #1, but I just can’t help but shake this feeling that he’s never going to completely put it all together.  If he does, look.the.fuck.out, but I think the likeliest scenario is that Giannis remains a sixth man for most of his career, always competing for Sixth Man of the Year awards … Their games aren’t similar in many ways at all, but I think a Manu Ginobili like career is strong possibility and a good long-term goal … Ideally, Giannis will never lose that drunk baby deer quality that makes his game so enticing and enjoyable.  I don’t WANT Giannis to put it all together and become the complete package.  It’s selfish, but there are very few players as fun to watch on any given night right now than Giannis, and a lot of that has to do with his unpredictability.  I never know what he’s going to do next because he never knows what he’s going to do next.  He’s figuring things out on the fly and it’s just so pure.  Live long and prosper Giannis, but never change.

3. Nerlens Noel (WAS)(6)(YP)

Analysis: All of what I think about Noel can be found in yesterday’s column about the 2014 draft.  To recap: Noel will be a Defensive Player of the Year candidate that puts up 13 and 10 over a long career.  A better Larry Sanders is probably his ceiling, which is fine … Noel is the last of the players from this draft that could have gone first overall in this re-ordering.  What sets Giannis and Oladipo apart is the higher ceiling.  I feel comfortable already saying how I think Noel will be as a pro, even though he’s really only a rookie this year.  Giannis I have no fucking clue, and while Oladipo is rounding out first, he’s made a big enough leap from year 1 to year 2 to where I can’t say for sure where he’s going … Even more important, there are no sure thing All-Star’s in the first three picks of this re-draft.  We’re trending away from sneaky good draft status already…

4. Michael Carter-Williams (CHA)(11)(YP)

Analysis: I’m just going to come out and say it, I don’t like MCW, and I’m just not sure why that is.  My favorite thing in the world is a tall point guard.  They’re just .  But MCW looks like a nerd, and for all my faithful followers out there, you already know I hate nothing more in this world than nerds … The 2013 Rookie of the Year is already a top-five stat sheet filler in the league.  He’s averaging 15/7/6 this year, but guys, he really cannot shoot.  38% from the field only tells half the story.  He’s shooting 25% from three on over three attempts a game, and his 64% FT shooting is, excuse my French, atrocious.  His 4.5 turnovers per game makes his assist rate look a little less impressive as well … It’s hard, and somewhat petty, to knock a kid that’s by far been the most successful pro out of his draft class so far, but until the 76ers start fielding an NBA caliber team, it’s going to be hard to evaluate a player like MCW … It seems clear he’ll always be a stat sheet stuffer, and if he learns to shoot his ceiling gets raised again, but how effective he would be on a good team remains to be determined.  One thing is for certain, averaging 15 points on 15 shots is not a good look, regardless of how many rebounds you get as a point guard.  I’ve never liked that stat for point guards that much anyway.  How much of MCW’s rebounds are because he keeps letting his guy get by him on defense and is therefore closer to the basket? … He’s a hard player to project, maybe the hardest in this whole group besides the Greek Freak, but with a gun to my head I would say he’ll flatten out as the 15/7/6 guy he is now on 40/25/65 shooting splits.  The rest depends on the personnel around him.  I just don’t see any All-Star games in MCW’s future, but he’ll be in the league for a long time.

5. Shabazz Muhammad (CHA)(14)(YP)

Analysis: Calling Shabazz a “young potential” player is a little disingenuous, considering all we ever needed to know about his game we knew in high school.  He’s athletic, but not too athletic.  He’s quick but not too quick.  He can shoot, but not that well.  Which is why it’s that much more surprising how Shabazz has come on for the Timberwolves in his second year in the league, after largely riding pine his rookie season … At this point Shabazz looks like he’s headed towards a 20 ppg career.  Thank America that the offseason Navy Seal training he and Anthony Bennett underwent worked for one of them.  Shabazz is stronger than two guards and quicker than most of the wings that try to guard him … He’s most effective in the post right now, though he isn’t a great rebounder.  He’s a scorer, and when watching him one can’t help but think of OJ Mayo.  Both players were known entities leaving high school and struggled for L.A. universities before making the leap.  Where the similarities end is with each players’ willingness, or OJ’s lack of, to use their strength to an advantage.  Shabazz was always going to struggle as a perimeter oriented guard and he seems to have figured that out.  OJ has more playmaking ability but he’s never used his size and strength to the same advantage Shabazz has begun too … I like Shabazz, I think he has rich man Thad Young potential and could absolutely see him as the 2nd best scorer on a good team, whether that’s as a starter or off the bench … Look for Shabazz to make another leap next year as he continues to earn playing time.  If the work ethic he showed this past offseason is for real, he could have an All-Star game or two in his future.  What puts him behind the four players in front of him on this list is his lower ceiling, but work ethic can raise that ceiling, no matter who the player is.  Shabazz…just say it, it feels good.

6. Dennis Schroder (PHO)(17)(IP)

Analysis: He’s the German Tony Parker.  Let me rephrase that: he has German Tony Parker potential.  He’s quick and he can handle, and he’s in the perfect position playing for a great team in Atlanta.  Like TP, he can’t shoot the three, but he’s going to be a better playmaker than Parker ever was … He’s a guy that could dominate the midrange area, but he’ll really thrive attacking the hoop as he does now because he’s near impossible to stay in front of.  Think Rajon Rondo only more willing to score … While he’s currently stuck behind the continuously improving Jeff Teague, he’s only 21 and being Teague’s apprentice should only help accelerate his improvement.  He has way too much starter potential to be a backup forever though … Look for Schroder to be running a team of his own in a few years and many years to follow …  One thing is for certain: if this draft was real and he had gone to Phoenix, it would have marked the most historical glutton of point guards in league history.  Dragic, Bledsoe, and Thomas together is already hard to fathom.  Imagine Schroder in that mix.  It probably wouldn’t work, but imagine it anyway.

7. Alex Len (SAC)(5)(IP)

Analysis: The Ukrainian played one year at Maryland and was impressive enough for many, including yours truly, to think he was the obvious top pick … He wasn’t good enough to crack an average Suns lineup as a rookie, but this year he earned a role and eventually a starting spot.  While his 6 and 6 average doesn’t scream stud, those numbers become 10 and 10 when extended to per 36 minutes.  What impresses with Len is his body control.  He’s above average-athletic, but rarely does his 7’ 250 lb frame seem overextended or out of control … Looking at Len, I see a lot of Marcin Gortat in his future; he’ll be a 15 and 10 guy who plays average defense and occasionally shows-out with a 20 and 20 game … He’s a true center, and if the Kings really had landed him with this pick he would have formed an interesting big-man combo with Boogie Cousins.

8. Rudy Gobert (DET)(27)(IP)

Analysis: I hate watching the Jazz more than any other team in the league, so my exposure to Rudy has been limited, but those glimpses into his game have convinced me he’s the next Tyson Chandler. His per 36 numbers of 12 and 12 don’t tell the whole story.  Gobert is the dump-off extraordinaire … He’ll probably never be a guy teams call plays for, but he’s a more than willing screen setter and can be deadly slicing down the middle on the roll … Defensively he’s much more advanced, and is already a game-changing shot-blocker in limited minutes. … He doesn’t have the skill or the muscle of a Len, or the bounce and motor that Mason Plumlee has, but he should hold down the center job for a team in this league for a long time, establishing himself as the rim protector all championship teams need to win.

9. Mason Plumlee (MIN)(22)(PCG)

Analysis: Plumlee has been better than Len or Gobert at this point in his career, but he’s older than both and he’s pretty much already become the player he will always be.  That player is pretty damn exciting to watch, though … Plumlee is basically a more skilled, slightly less out of control JaVale McGee.  He runs the floor, he swats at everything, and he can catch and finish … His free-throw shooting is atrocious this year, but he’s never going to be a player that takes many contested shots.  He will be an important cog on any successful team, most likely coming off the bench and bringing much needed energy, but whether he can be that guy for the next ten years remains to be seen.

10. Gorgui Dieng (POR)(21)(PCG)

Analysis: In hindsight, it’s more than a little confusing as to why Dieng fell all they way to the 21st pick.  My personal theory is that some college players lay out all their cards before they ever reach the league, and NBA executives obsessed with potential overlook a guy that’s already lived up to his own … With Dieng, all the unknowns were already known by the time he entered the draft.  He’s long and active, with a promising mid range jumper and excellent defensive instincts.  His rebounding and defense will always come first, but Dieng has enough of a face-up game on offense to keep teams honest …  His 10 and 8 stats this year will be his 10 and 8 stats through his career, and like Plumlee there’s always the chance that he eventually gets faded out of the league in 5-7 years as younger players with similar skill sets come in.

11. Kelly Olynyk (OKC)(13)(PCG)

Analysis: He’s the most skilled 7 footer in this group, which is another way of saying he’s the softest and most perimeter oriented … He can score in a variety of ways, but part of the reason he’s not higher on this list is he’s yet to find a niche.  Ultimately, he needs to settle in as a true stretch 4 that relies on the three-ball, but I’m just not sure he can ever get his 3PFG% above the necessary 40% to make that a reality …  His defense and rebounding are too soft to ever make him a reliable starting power forward in the league … He needs to be Brian Cook.  Actually, he needs to be much better than Brian Cook because Cook faded out of the league long ago … I’m not saying Olynyk will be playing in Lithuania in a few years ago, but I’m not not saying that.

12. Steve Adams (DAL)(12)(YP)

Analysis: Adams doesn’t do anything all that impressive other than be a very big body.  I’m not sure how he would do on a team that didn’t have Durant and Westbrook, but my guess is he would still be a maddening personality with tantalizing flashes, but no serious plus-skills to get the blood pumping … He looks like a Nikola Vucevic, but I don’t see him ever developing the necessary skills to be an offensive or defensive weapon … On a playoff team, I don’t think he finds a definite role in the future, but there’s enough bad teams looking for true centers every year that he should hang around.

13. Tim Hardaway (DAL)(24)(PCB)

Analysis: Hardaway is stuck in the basketball hell that is New York City right now.  He’s a true shooting guard and he knows it, which is both a good and a bad thing … The perfect role for Hardaway in the future is as a microwave sixth man that can be quickly benched if he’s not hitting that night … Any guy with this kind of perimeter scoring ability can stick around, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s averaging 30 ppg in the Philippines five years from now.

14. McLemore (UTA)(7)(YP)

Analysis: This spot almost went to Trey Burke, but McLemore has begun to show flashes of the multi-dimensional player the Kings hoped he could be when they picked him … He’s a good enough defender and three-point shooter that he looks like a good wing player at times, but his low basketball IQ and deficiency in other skill areas lowers his potential … McLemore is 50/50 at this point whether he sticks around in this league.  Hopefully, George Karl can get in his head and bring out the potential he’s had since his high school days.

Ranking the Players of the NBA Dark Ages: #10-6

Well here we are.  I started writing this with this vague idea of an NBA Dark Ages and little idea of what that actually meant.  Since then I’ve ranked the best players of that era from the 39th best all the way through the 11th best and I think the idea of what makes a great Dark Ages player is becoming abundantly clear.  For example, before I started writing this piece, I didn’t even know how anti-Dark Agey Steve Nash was.  I didn’t even know I disliked Steve Nash, and I definitely didn’t know I considered Steve Nash an overrated NBA player.  I’m sorry Steve Nash, but passing is so modern-NBA and it’s boring, that’s why Jamal Crawford and Monta Ellis and Lou Williams and the entire Phoenix Suns roster are so awesome, because they understand this, and they either never played in the Dark Ages, or were too young and raw to matter.

I’ll say it right here right now, Steve Nash would be playing this year if he had spent the entire summer watching Jamal Crawford highlight tapes on The Youtube instead of rehabbing his back, or practicing basketball, or whatever else he was doing.  He should have sat down and studied the greatness of Crawford.  That’s what I do every day and I now have as good of a chance as playing in the NBA this year as Steve Nash.  That, my friends, is a lack of dedication to the Dark Ages from Steve Nash.

More on Crawford though, a man who has been my favorite NBA player for the last three years and a man who spent the first five years of his career being groomed by the Dark Ages, but ultimately was too Dark Agey even for the Dark Ages.  It got me thinking, what players in today’s game should have spent their whole prime in the Dark Ages?  If you are unaware of Crawford’s game, which has never really changed, he has two amazing skills.  The first skill is that he has arguably the best handle in the whole league, and the second is that Jamal Crawford can score.  I mean, he can really really really score.  He might be the most talented man in the world, not named Kobe Bean Bryant, at putting round objects through a 10-foot high metal hoop.  Jamal Crawford lives and breathes scoring.  A quick follow on The Twitter will reveal that Crawford has few interests besides basketball.  When the season is over, he plays in his summer league and any other pick-up game he can find.  He is a Rafer Alston with the ability to average 20 ppg off the friggin bench!  If I had a time machine the first thing I would do is go back to 1975, seduce and then impregnate Crawford’s momma.  Then he could have played his prime in the Dark Ages.  The world would have been a better place.

Rounding out the current NBA players starting lineup that belonged in the Dark Ages:

G: Monta Ellis: A more efficient shooter and better passer than he gets credit for, but lezbehonest, this is a man who was born to score.  He averaged over 38 ppg his senior year in high school, including a 72 point game.  Monta belonged in the Dark Ages.

F: Josh Smith: Irrationally jacking 3’s is an amazingly Dark Agey thing to do, just ask the legendary Antoine Walker.

F: JaVale McGee: Personalities ruled in the Dark Ages…so did underdeveloped skills coupled with freakish athleticism.  JaVale McGee will become President of the NBA Players Union and have his own talk show some day; that’s unrelated, but it will happen, just watch.

G: Kembance Stephalker: He’s young and unproven, but man his shooting percentages are vintage Dark Ages.  I’m pretty sure they stopped keeping track of shooting percentages during the Dark Ages, it was a useless stat to use during the era.  Kembance would have thrived.

Ok, it’s time for the moment we have all been waiting for, the definitive list of the 10 greatest NBA players of the Dark Ages(minus the top five).  So take a deep breath, find a comfortable seat, and keep some ibuprofen close, because your head is about to explode.

10. Vince Carter

-1 2nd team, 1 3rd team=+3

-6 all star games=+6

-6 seasons 20+ pts=+6

-Name rec=+6

-Career pt=+8

Coolness=+9

-Total=38

Vinsanity was the shit.

I’ve already mentioned the 2000 dunk contest, but it’s worth discussing again, because it has everything to do with why Vinsanity is the man.  I have foggy memories of watching Kobe and Steve Francis win their respective dunk contests before Vince, but this was the first one I have a clear memory of watching on the television, and nothing has compared to it in the years since.  Calling it a dunk contest isn’t really accurate, because no one else ever had a chance and all the other contestants clearly knew this.  I imagine Stevie Francis didn’t even bother planning out his title-defending, he was just more concerned with finding the best view to watch Vince, as was every other fan and NBA player in the stands.  There was just a palpable electricity surrounding that dunk contest, a level of hype only matched since by the Blake Griffin dunk contest debut that failed miserably to live up to that hype.

And that’s the thing about it, hype is usually not lived up to because it is unrealistic.  If it’s realistic, it isn’t really even hype, it’s anticipation.  The Vinsanity Dunk Contest was so iconic and memorable because he didn’t just live up to the unrealistic hype surrounding the event, he surpassed it.

One of the most frustrating parts of dunk contests of recent memory is the misses.  Many of us remember Birdman’s ill-fated dunk contest attempts, as well as the ridiculous Nate Robinson over Spud Webb double digit failures that still somehow earned him the win over the much more efficient Andre Iguodala that year.  Well, Vince missed exactly one dunk in 2000.  One, and even that was more Tracy McGrady’s fault as the passer.  That’s hard to believe now, but back then the players understood the importance of execution.  It’s all in good fun to try the most high difficulty dunks, but if you know there is a good chance you will miss it, just don’t try it, because the Dunk Contest above all else is a show, and that show becomes a whole lot less interesting when it takes a player ten attempts to complete one dunk.  I’m not saying that Vince wasn’t interested in high difficulty dunks, but you can tell he had a plan that he knew he could execute, and that the dunks in that plan were enough to easily carry him to victory.  That smirk he had on his face the whole time says it all; Vince knew the fans were there to see him put on a show, and he knew he could and would give the people what they wanted.

As for the actual dunks, here is how I would rank them.

1. The first dunk(360 windmill).  This had the highest degree of difficulty, and also the perfect exhibition of why Vince Carter was such a great dunker.  Watch the way he just kind of glides through the air; there is no wasted motion, no lack of extension.  He doesn’t start his spin too early and he slams it with authority.  This is a high difficulty dunk from the get-go, and as Kenny Smith said immediately following, “it’s over”.

2. This one is a tie between the third dunk(takes a lob from McGrady and goes between the legs) and the fourth dunk(the astonishing elbow dunk).  The thing about Vince is he understood that every great dunker must not only be able to execute difficult dunks, but also have creativity in the dunks they choose.  Sometimes, it is more important to perform a dunk no one else has ever done or seen before, regardless of the difficulty.  The elbow dunk was just that as far as creativity.  Looking back at it, it’s hilarious how confused the crowd is on this dunk because they missed the fact that he was hanging from his elbow.  This dunk was so amazing because it was so easily replicable, yet no one had ever considered doing it before.  Also, it became the go to dunk on 8-foot hoops for white kids across the country.  This dunk was everything.

3. I’m going to go with the second dunk here, the behind the basket reverse spin windmill.  Don’t get it twisted folks, this dunk is hard to accomplish and combined both creativity and degree of difficulty.  All of a sudden, future dunk contest contestants began to expand the scope of where on the floor they could dunk from.

4. The worst dunk, or should I say the least good dunk of the night, was Vince’s finishing two-handed dunk from the free-throw line, but as almost every player who attempts this dunk does, Vince launched a little closer to the basket than intended.  The two-handed part of it is amazing, and the contest was pretty much over by this time, but this one left a little bit to be desired.  Vince just needed to complete a dunk really, and he had probably used up his bag of tricks, but when you have the crowd in a frenzy like he did before this dunk, you better make damn sure you take off before that free throw line.

Oh, and Vince was also a pretty damn good basketball player during this time period.  Like Blake Griffin today, people have tried to chip away at Vince’s legacy by claiming he was a one-trick pony only good at dunking.  Like Blake Griffin, this was just simply never true.  Vince averaged 20+ PPG for 10 straight seasons; he was a true number one option on any average to slightly above average team.  He also was never good enough to be a number one option on a championship caliber team, which is why he is a Dark Ages icon.  Still playing(he’s on the Grizz now fyi), we can only hope Vince plays forever.  I don’t know if Vince Carter is a Hall of Famer, but we will always have Vinsanity, and that unforgettable dunk contest.

9. Chris Webber

-1 1st team, 3 2nd teams, 1 3rd team=+10

-1x rbs leader=+1

-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5

-5 seasons 10+ rebs=+5

-4 all star games=+4

-1 season 2+ blks=+1

-Name rec.=+6

-Career pt=+7

-Coolness=+7

-Total=46

So I’m slightly out of breath after talking about Vince Carter for so long, and most of what I have to say about Chris Webber invloves the amazing Kings teams he played for during this time that I already covered with Peja, so I’ll keep this short and sweet.  Chris Webber could absolutely be the number one option on a championship caliber team.  How do I know this?  Because those Kings teams were championship caliber, and he was the number one option, though you could also make a strong argument for Scott Pollard.

Webber could post-up, he could shoot, and he could pass.  He just couldn’t stay healthy.  Webber never played a full 82 game season, and because I fully believe all injuries and pain are mental and can be prayed away, this hurt Webber’s ranking.  Helping his ranking, however, is the fact that Webber is a solid part of the TNT NBA analyst team and seems like a cool guy to kick it with.  Also, his shoe, the DaDa’s, were hysterically ambitious in their color scope. 

I never saw Webber on the Fab Five, but I saw Webber on the Sacramento Kings, and that Webber could ball.  He fully deserves the #9 spot on this list.

8. Tracy McGrady

-2 1st teams, 2 2nd teams, 1 3rd team=+11

-5 all star games=+5

-2x scoring champ=+2

-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5

-Name rec=+7

-Career pt=+8

-Coolness=+9

-Total=47

Tracy McGrady, on the other hand, seems a little low on this list.  The #8 ranking comes off as slightly disrespectful to a player who was so incredibly Dark Agey in every way, but nonetheless here we are.  If I could create one basketball player from scratch, Tracy McGrady is only behind LeBron in for what dimensions I would model my creation after.  McGrady was 6’8” and impossibly long, he could handle and he could shoot, and he could make teammates better but that wasn’t necessarily his first concern.  He’s famous for never having won a playoff series while being THE GUY, but that is entirely unfair to a man who always played better in the playoffs.  Seriously, look up T-Mac’s numbers and tell me he’s to blame for never having won a playoff series.  It’s ridiculous, especially considering those Magic teams he had to put on his back every single night.  Please, name the second best player during T-Mac’s time in Orlando.  Darrell Armstrong?  A young Mike Miller?  It’s a joke of an exercise, additionally hurt by the fact that Grant Hill couldn’t stay on the court.

The Rockets teams are a little harder to figure out, because they had some players, and Jeff Van Gundy was coaching them.  At least, that’s what I thought, until I looked up those Rockets rosters.  In McGrady’s time there with Yao, the third leading scorer on those Rockets teams is a hilarious list of “LMAO, this has to be a typo” guys:

’04-’05-Jim Jackson(who?)

’05-’06-Rafer Alston(it gets better…)

’06-’07-Rafer Alston(wait for it…)

’07-’08-Rafer Alston(#skiptomylou4evaaaa)

That is horrifying.  Granted, none of those seasons fall within the Dark Ages, but McGrady’s lack of playoff success is a big part of his overall legacy and it just isn’t fair.

You know what absolutely should be part of his legacy?  The T-Mac 2.

What a fucking awesome shoe.  Everyone had a pair, literally(but not literally, just a lot of people had them).  These shoes were awesome, primarily because they didn’t try to do too much.  They definitely beat out the Kobe 2’s and the aforementioned DaDa’s, and though Iverson put out some awesome shoes, many were not basketball specific shoes.  The T-Mac 2’s had no flaws.

Like his cousin Vince Carter, T-Mac’s Hall of Fame credentials are up in the air because of the way people look at and define the Dark Ages.  He just couldn’t win in April, May, or June, and despite the fact that this is undoubtedly not his fault, it will hurt him.  So will the fact that he dropped off so quickly and ungracefully.  Vince became a role player, Kidd became a role player, Pierce became a role player, hell even Shaq stopped being the first or second option at the end of his career.  But McGrady, like Kobe, was never built to take a reduced role, and when the injuries came and robbed him of his ‘number one option’ skills, his career was over just like that.  Like many things in McGrady’s career, it’s unfair, and so is this ranking.  But the Basketball Baby Jesus(new nickname I gave myself) has spoken and he’s not taking it back, as much as it hurts him because…

7. Ben Wallace

-2 2nd teams, 2 3rd teams=+6

-3x DPY=+6

-2x rebs leader=+2

-1x block leader=+1

-3 all star games=+3

-1 NBA Champ=+3

-5 seasons 10+ rebs=+5

-5 seasons 2+ blks=+5

-Name rec=+4

-Career pt=+9

-Coolness=+8

-Total=52

Ben Wallace was absolutely not a better player than Tracy McGrady.  That sentence makes a lot of sense right?  I mean, who out there is going to stump for Ben Wallace being a better player of the Dark Ages than Tracy McGrady?  Any takers?  Nobody?  Fine I’ll do it.

Three-time defensive player of the year.  Two times he led the league in rebounding and once in blocks.  Yes, defense sucks and isn’t that fun and is totally not Dark Agey, but Ben Wallace made defense and rebounds and blocks cool.

Which brings us to the penultimate edition of Things Zane Finds Cool, sponsored by The Heem Teem: afros are always cool, nappy afros are even cooler, and nappy afros with a headband are the coolest; instigating fan-on-player brawls is awesome, as is being a 6’8” center.

Ben Wallace was very cool, but he was also extremely effective on those Detroit Pistons teams, including the championship one.  Playing for Larry Brown is always cool because Larry Brown is the coolest.  No, he couldn’t score, which I hate.  Yes, that Pistons-Spurs series was awful and definitely marked the end of the Dark Ages.  So in a way, Ben Wallace is directly responsible for the end of the Dark Ages, first for starting the Malice at the Palace and then for being a part of those horribly boring(aka team oriented) Pistons teams.  If I had the power to do so, I would banish Ben Wallace from this list, but the Dark Ages are more powerful than the Basketball Baby Jesus(is it catching on yet?) and I am powerless to do so.  Ben Wallace is your seventh best player of the Dark Ages.

6. Jason Kidd

-5 1st teams, 1 2nd team=+17

-5 time asst leader=+5

-2 seasons 10+ asst=+2

-5 all star games=+5

-5 seasons 2+ stls=+5

-Name rec.=+6

-Career pt=+10

-Coolness=+3

-Total=53

Five 1st teams in the Dark Ages!!  That’s extremely impressive for a point guard.  We’re getting into some rarefied space here, and Jason Kidd, one of the best point guards of all time was at his peak in the Dark Ages, but was Jason Kidd great?  I don’t mean was he a great point guard(he was) or even, was he a great player(also true).  I mean when we talk about the quote unquote GREATS in sports, we’re talking about the players you never witnessed, yet you know they are immortal symbols of greatness in their respective sports.  Magic Johnson and Larry Bird are greats.  Oscar Robertson is a great, Wilt Chamberlain is a great, and many more that everyone can agree “those were great players”.  Then you have the ones that had great success and are well known players, but not every one can agree on their legacies.  Already on this list I think that would include players like Karl Malone, Gary Payton, Paul Pierce and David Robinson.  John Stockton and Hakeem Olajuwon I think could be considered to be greats, but then again maybe not, the fact that I’m not 100% sure probably means they aren’t.

Jason Kidd has the second most assists and the second most steals of all-time, trailing only Stockton in both categories.  Like Stockton, he played in several NBA Finals without winning.  Yet, like Stockton, his legacy may be marred by the fact that he was never an elite scorer night in and night out.

Unlike Stockton, Kidd never shot a good percentage from the field, always flirting with that mediocre 40% line.  Also, unlike Stockton, Kidd was a great rebounder, maybe the best ever for a point guard.  Think I’m lying?  At the age of 34, Kidd averaged 8.2 rebounds per game.  I know he’s 6’4” but that’s not exactly the most athletic 6’4” that ever flew after rebounds, making it all the more impressive.

Unfortunately, Kidd also got in trouble for beating his wife during this period, which drastically reduced his coolness.  On top of that, Kidd got real bratty this past offseason and attempted a coup of the Brooklyn Nets front-office, only to bolt to become Milwaukee’s coach after he was rebuffed by the Nets management.  Staging coups are cool, having a coup fail is decidedly super uncool.  Not cool Jason(fuck Jason is such a cool name, though).

Ranking the Players of the NBA Dark Ages: #19-11

This is part dos of Ranking the Players of the NBA Dark Ages, which until now has not been the official title of this series, but I like it more than whatever the current title is, so for now on this is ‘RANKING THE PLAYERS OF THE NBA DARK AGES: PART II!!!!’  Ik, so if you didn’t catch part uno of ‘RANKING THE PLAYERS OF THE NBA DARK AGES’ you can catch up here.

Today we take out the teens, #19-11.  This group is full of what-ifs and what could have beens.  It’s full of players whose current legacies could not have been foreseen during the Dark Ages, a few players who had bad luck with health and brawls, and a couple Dark Age Legends.  Before we begin, we need to hand out a few awards, all pertaining to the jerseys of the NBA Dark Ages.  The 90s, as every person of any intelligence should be aware, was the greatest time for NBA jerseys, ever.  As a result, the Dark Ages benefited from this jersey renaissance.  NBA jerseys primarily suck now.  So do NFL jerseys.  Forget taxes, immigration, or abortion, the only issue I care about the next President addressing is bringing back the 90s St. Louis Rams jerseys.  Why am I talking about the NFL at all?  Let’s get to it.

Best Jersey of the Dark Ages: 

3rd Place: Houston Rockets

2nd Place: Toronto Raptors

1st Place:

That was tremendously hard.  I’m worn out, start the rankings…

The “Paul Pierce is only #18 WTF?????” Group

19. Ron Artest

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 DPY=+2

-1 all star game=+1

-4 seasons 2+ stls=+4

-Name rec=+7

-Career pt=+7

-Coolness=+10

-Total=32

Yes, it says Ron Artest, not Metta World Peace.  It’s simple, he was Ron Artest during the Dark Ages, and therefore I’m going to call him Ron.  Ronny is a real favorite of mine, if you can’t tell by his cool points.  Wait…wut, you say you want another edition of Things Zane Finds Cool??

Well if you insist, here’s more things you can add to that list… inciting fan-against player brawls; receiving the longest suspension in NBA history (86 games) for said brawl; changing your name to anything with the word Metta, World, or Peace in it; changing your name so that it has all three of those words involved; playing in China (see Stephon Marbury); and changing your name to The Panda’s Friend.  All of those things will always get you 10 cool points in my book.  All day, err day.

But we gotta talk about the Malice at the Palace, the Pistons-Pacers brawl that made Ron Artest a household name and officially cemented the NBA Dark Ages reputation as the League of Extraordinary Thugs.  This has always been the popular way to oversimplify an extremely complex event.

Just, wow.  Earlier I said Artest incited the brawl, I was wrong.  Ben Wallace deserves more blame than Ron, but the fans deserve the most of it.  I don’t care what your job is, if you are at your place of work and people began to throw things at you, you are going to get pissed and you just might try to fight someone.  People like to forget Ron Artest was laying down on the scoring table when a flying drink hit him, leading to his running into the stands.  Also, how strange is it to see Rasheed Wallace in the stands playing peacemaker?

Ron was repeatedly portrayed as an over-privileged, unhinged thug; I never felt that assessment was fair and I think he’s done a tremendous job of changing that image over the years.  The rest of the legacy of this event stems directly from that first incident.  I can’t blame Stephen Jackson and other Pacers for protecting Artest and going into the stands after him.  I can’t blame Jermaine O’ Neal for throwing a haymaker at a fan on the court.  But a lot of people, as happens every time an event like this happens, found ways to generalize and stereotype the situation, though it is noticeable that John Saunders and the ESPN NBA crew were quick to take the side of the players in the immediate aftermath.

Forgotten in all of this is that Artest may or may not have been on the verge of stardom.  He already had a defensive player of the year award and was averaging 25 points a game (granted through only seven games, but still) before the brawl happened.  I don’t think he would have ever turned into a number one option on a playoff team, but all signs indicate he would have become a very strong second option.  Instead, the diminishing of his shooting skills accelerated so that by the time he became a Laker, he was the player you had to beg not to shoot.  Luckily, he usually listened.

Ronald never did play another game for the Pacers and his days as a man flirting with NBA stardom effectively ended, but he went on to become an NBA champion for the Lakers and won the NBA’s Citizenship Award with them in 2011.  He’s a man, much like Mike Tyson, who has worked hard to cultivate an image as a calmed down, misunderstood teddy bear, and it has worked.  I think he will become an instant fan favorite in China, and likely their first democratically elected leader before the end of the decade.  That’s just how the man formerly known as Ron Artest and Metta World Peace operates these days.

18. Paul Pierce

-2 3rd teams=+2

-4 all star games=+4

-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5

-Name rec=+6

-Career pt=+7

-Coolness=+9

-Total=33

This one hurts.  This one is personal.  Paul Pierce is one of my five favorite basketball players of all time(probably).  When I started these rankings, I never would have imagined Paul Pierce wouldn’t even make the top 15.  It’s just not fair. Paulie deserved better than this from me.  I deserved better from myself.  Wait…wut?  Despite the fact that I have completely re-modeled my formidable pick-up game after #34, despite the fact that I’ve promised my future daughter’s hand in marriage to him (she’s also been promised to: 2 Chainz, Lil’ Boosie and Devin Hester), it just wasn’t possible to rank Paulie any higher.

People forget how much differently Paulie’s career could have gone if not for Danny Ainge getting his shit together for once and bringing in Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen.  Those moves, of course, came after the Dark Ages had ended, and helped turn Paulie into an NBA champion and an undeniably clutch performer.  Imagine if those moves never happened, though.  Would Pierce be remembered as more of a Ricky Davis caliber player?  Would he and Antoine Walker have continued their amazingly inefficient pairing to the enjoyment of many (me)?  Alas, none of these things did happen, and Paul Pierce became the all-time Celtics scoring leader and one of the great Celtics of all-time.  He will be a Hall of Famer someday without a doubt.  Yet, the breaks he needed to make this happen took place after the Dark Ages.  During the Dark Ages, Paulie was simply a talented scorer incapable of carrying a team on his own, and that is why he finds himself as the #18 player on his list.  Does it make me slightly depressed?  Sure.  Is it the appropriate ranking given the facts?  I plead the Fifth.

Side note:  Hard to talk about Paulie without at least bringing up “the stabbing”.  For those unaware, Pierce was stabbed 11 times in the face, neck, and back as a 22 year old a month before the 2000-2001 season.  Sounds pretty bad right (he had to have surgery to repair his lung)?  Paulie would go on to be the only Celtic to start all 82 games that season.  Shaq even gave Paulie his very cool nickname, The Truth, during that season.  Moral of the story, if you want to stop Paul Pierce from lighting you up, bring a gun, because Paul Pierce>knife 99 times out of 100.

The “We’re All Just Evolved From Dinosaurs, Dewd” Group

17. Dikembe Mutombo

-1 2nd team, 1 3rd team=+3

-1 DPY=+2

-2x reb leader=+2

-4 seasons 10+ rebs=+4

-4 seasons 2+ blks=+4

-3 all star games=+3

-Name rec.=+4

-Career pt=+4

-Coolness=+7

-Total=33

Dikembe has the honor of being the second most offensively challenged player on this list (stay tuned for number one).

Even better, he easily cruised to the “Best Voice” title.  Dikembe has the worst smokers voice of all time, and I highly doubt he’s a smoker.

  Dikembe Mutombo is damn near impossible to understand when talking, and that’s perfectly ok, because players like Dikembe Mutombo are meant to be seen and not heard.  We as a society have failed when it comes to having properly used Mutombo’s voice.  Is it too late to bring back Reading Rainbow with Mutombo as the host?  Can we at least consider re-casting Barney as Mutombo?  This man needs to be involved in all sorts of children’s shows.  Make this happen Obama.

Dikembe Mutombo also wins the pointiest elbows award on this list as well.  Little know fact, 96% of Dikembe Mutombo consists of elbows.  Oh, he was also the best shot-blocker of his era and one of its best rebounders.  His offensive game was dying fast by the Dark Ages but you could talk me into believing he was the second best offensive weapon on those 76ers teams behind AI.  Mutombo had zero graceful plays in his entire career, and that’s what made him so good.  Also, this commercial is everything…

16. Ray Allen

-1 2nd team, 1 3rd team=+3

-5 all star games=+5

-6 seasons 20+ pts=+6

-Name rec=+7

-Career pt=+7

-Coolness=+6

-Total=34

Rounding out the dino group is the man who played Jesus on the big screen, Ray-Ray Allen.  People forget at one time Ray-Ray was an elite scorer for the Bucks and Supersonics, one of the great shooters in the league, of course, but definitely more of an all-around scorer than he became later on during his championship winning days.

Much like Paul Pierce, Ray is a man whose entire career narrative changed once he finally teamed up with other elite players and coaches.  It wouldn’t have effected his position on this list, as all the good breaks in his career came later on, but Ray Allen is undoubtedly remembered more fondly today than his Dark Ages career could have predicted.  Ray, again like Paulie, could have insisted on staying the #1 option on mediocre teams but instead sacrificed his role for championships.  That’s commendable, and really the only thing I like about Ray Allen.  It’s also completely against the spirit of the Dark Ages.

I’ve never really enjoyed his one-trick-pony game, or his line-drive shot.  Put some arc on it Ray-Ray, shit.  Again, like Paulie, his game changed as the Dark Ages ended.  As players began to realize maybe scoring 27 ppg didn’t mean much when your team had a losing record, the Dark Ages could no longer survive.  This was ultimately much better for the NBA, but it maketh me sad inside :(.

At least Kobe is returning to vintage post-Shaq pre-Pau Kobe mode.  We will always have Kobe.

The “Bald Headed Peoples” Group

15. Alonzo Mourning

-1 1st team, 1 2nd team=+5

-2 Def. MVP’s=+4

-2 time blk leader=+2

-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-3 seasons 2+ blks=+3

-3 all star games=+3

-1 season 10+ rbs=+1

-Name rec.=+5

-Career pt=+3

-Coolness=+7

-Total=35

I know he had kidney problems, and his career was basically over at this point, but he still did enough to get himself into the top 15.  No doubt he would have been higher on this list if not for the kidney problems; Mourning was the ultimate defensive weapon with plus offensive skills.  Think what Anthony Davis is on his way to being, only way more physical.

The name Alonzo certainly helped his cool points, but beyond that, he finds himself lower on this list than he would have if not for bad luck.  I’m now realizing this has become a common theme on this list–players coming up short on the list either due to bad breaks coming too soon (Mourning, Hill) or good breaks coming too late (Allen, Pierce).

Mourning could have been a top ten player of the Dark Ages if he could have been healthy enough to keep playing at a high level, but then again, I’m sure he would tell you he’s just happy to be alive considering his kidney failures.  Also, this list doesn’t accept failure of any kind, so Mourning’s kidneys hurt his cool points.  Sorry, that’s just the way it works Alonzo.

14. Gary Payton

-1 1st team, 2 2nd teams, 1 3rd team=+8

-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5

-1 season 2+ steals=+1

-4 all star games=+4

Name rec=+5

Career pt=+5

Coolness=+7

-Total=35

The Glove.  Cool nickname…check.  The highest ranked of the ‘past their prime players’, Payton had the best scowl of the Dark Ages and would easily win the award for undersized dude you absolutely do not fuck with.

I don’t really remember watching Payton play, primarily because he played for some poor Sonics teams and my bedtime was 9 back then, so any games they played on national T.V. were coming on too late.  Payton did a great job of aging gracefully and as a result landed higher on this list than many, including myself, probably expected.  I like trash talking and GP trash talked good.  So good.  Guys, so good.

13. Stephon Marbury

-2 3rd teams=+2

-2 all star games=+2

-7 seasons 20+ pts=+7

-Name rec=+6

-Career pt=+9

-Coolness=+9

-Total=35

What. A. Classic. Dark. Ages. Player.  O.M.G.

Starbury was literally swept away with the Dark Ages, only to end up as a Chinese folk hero, which is the most Dark Agey thing a player can do.  His game was perfect for the era he played in: shoot first, make money second, and win third.

Never forget Marbury was essentially traded straight up for Jason Kidd during this time, a man that(spoiler alert) shows up much higher on this list.  He could score and even when he couldn’t he loved to try.  He was never going to work on a good team, and that eventually caught up to him, but man was he fun to watch jack up shots for .500 teams.  I still own a pair of Starbury shorts.  I’d like to say that didn’t factor into his high cool point ranking, but by now I think you know me better than that.  Long live Starbury!

The “Tale of Two Careers” Group

12. Jermaine O’ Neal

-1 2nd team, 2 3rd teams=+4

-4 all star games=+4

-3 seasons 20+ pts=+3

-3 seasons 10+ rebs=+3

-5 seasons 2+ blks=+5

-Name rec=+4

-Career pt=+9

-Coolness=+4

-Total=36

Stop me if you’ve heard this before; a star players’ prime cut short by injuries, a never-ending list of what-ifs pops up as a result.  This defines Mr. Jermaine O’ Neal’s career perfectly, but luckily for him and this list, his prime began during and lasted through the end of the Dark Ages, only ending once the Dark Ages were in the rearview.  Jermaine played for some very cool Pacers teams, a sentence that now sounds laughable, and will always be remembered as one of the better straight from high school players ever, especially for big men.  For my money, he’s the #4 big man to come out of the modern day high school draft boom, beginning in 1995, behind only Kevin Garnett, Amar’e Stoudemire and Dwight Howard, and ahead of other notable big men like Tyson Chandler, Andrew Bynum, and Al Jefferson.

Jermaine had a fun all-around game, but lacked the personality to match.  The Dark Ages is synonymous with personalities and O’ Neal was always below par in that department.  He was never unlikable, but he just didn’t talk enough.  I like talking, sorry Jermaine.

11. Dirk Nowitzki

-1 1st team, 2 2nd teams, 2 3rd teams=+9

-4 all star games=+4

-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5

-Name rec=+6

-Career pt=+5

-Coolness=+7

-Total=36

Dirk, you dog you.

Who could have predicted where your career would take you after the Dark Ages?  Arguably, the greatest German NBA player ever at this point, Dirk has truly been one of a kind.  Unlike other players in this era, though, he benefited more from the loss of other great players in Steve Nash and Michael Finley and thrived off the freedom he was then handed.  He played on a team with ultimate anti-Dark Ager Steve Nash for a good period of the Dark Ages and this ultimately hurt him.  Whatever you want to decide as to the why or the how, Dirk and the Mavs got better post-Nash.

Dirk drinks exactly like a German should drink.  Dirk married a black woman. Dirk is the second coolest Dirk I know, behind my uncle Dirk, and my uncle Dirk is super cool.  The only mistake Dirk made was not hitting his prime until after the Dark Ages.  Instead he used the Dark Ages to hone his skills until the time was right to unleash them all at once.  Dirk is awesome.

 Dirk, you dog.

The Case of the Missing Jerseys

Guys I think my momma is tryin’ to kill me.

Not physically, not yet at least, but she’s breaking my soul.  How?  Why?  This is not a time for questions, so shut up and let me explain.

I’ve owned a lot of sports jerseys in my day.  A lot of really awesome sports jerseys, and now I don’t.  Would any of them still fit me?  THIS ISN’T STUPID QUESTION HOUR!!  But no, they wouldn’t.  They were all bought when I was more little and stuff, but still they could have been humongouscrazymega worth something on The Ebay someday.  But now I come home from college and these splendid linens are nowhere to be found.

Have I asked her about it yet?  Of course not, that’s exactly what she wants me to do!  Instead I need to investigate the matter discreetly, and the only way to do so is to examine the whereabouts one jersey at a time.  Let’s take a look at the missing items:

Player: Jerry rice

Jersey: Red-49ers

Received: Between age 5-8

Notes: Had this one hanging on my wall for a while after it stopped fitting.  I guess I liked Jerry Rice as a littlun’…, and my mom has ripped that sweet memory away from me.  #heartless

Player: Brett Favre

Jersey: Green-Packers

Received: Between ages 5-8

Notes: Ew. Ew ew ew ew.  Who bought me this?  Did I ever wear it?  My mom probably bought me it, took pictures of me in it, and is just waiting to blackmail me.  Well jokes on you mom, I’m outting myself as a one time Favre Packers jersey owner, so I guess your little scheme is ruined.  Ha!  HA! #plottwist

Player: Randy Moss

Jersey: Purple-Vikings

Received: Between ages 5-8

Notes: This was a badass jersey.  Randy Moss was a badass receiver and this jersey use to rest peacefully on my ceiling.  That is, until Mrs. You Know Who came along…#ruthless

Player: Deion Sanders

Jersey: Blue-Cowboys

Received: Between ages 5-8

Notes: As a rule, all Deion Sanders jerseys are cool.  I guess I just got a little too cool for my dear mother. #nolongertoocoolforschool

Player: Tim Duncan

Jersey: Black-Spurs

Received: Between ages 8-11, I think, because it still sorta fits.

Notes: That no good madre of min–wait, after further investigation I’m being told this one is actually in my brother’s closet.  #offthehookthistime

Player: Penny Hardaway

Jersey: Black pinstriped-Magic

Received: Between ages 4-6

Notes: Goddamn I was one fly cat for having this jersey.  But now my wings have been clipped by the moms, and I fly no more. #thecagedbirdsings

Player: Grant Hill

Jersey: Teal-Pistons

Received: Between ages 5-8

Notes: All time fly jersey right here.  I suspect the suspect coveted this jersey for herself. #getyourownyo

Player: Michael Jordan

Jersey: Red-Bulls

Received: Between ages 4-6

Notes: I can’t.  I just can’t. #betteroffdeadthanwithoutmymjjersey

Player: Michael Jordan

Jersey: Blue-Wizards

Received: Age 10 or 11

Notes:  This one was still in my possession as late as my senior year of high school.  Then poof.  Wait, this one might have been lost during the great ‘Throwback Thursday Football Practice Walkthrough’ of 2009.  Basically, my football teams’ season was almost over, I had about ten jerseys in my trunk and passed them out for the practice before gameday, and didn’t get them all back. #stillmymomsfault

Player: Scottie Pippen

Jersey: Red-Bulls

Received: Between ages 4-6

Notes: It turns out, I never owned a Scottie Pippen jersey.  I just imagined this one, but the more important question is: WHY WAS I NEVER BOUGHT A SCOTTIE PIPPEN JERSEY MOM! #qtna

Player: BJ Armstrong

Jersey: Red-Bulls

Received: Between ages 5-8

Notes: Wait, nope, I had a BJ Armstrong basketball card, not a jersey.  Sorry, mom. #myrageblindsmefromthetruth

Player: Muggsy Bogues

Jersey: Teal-Hornets

Received: Between ages 4-6

Notes: I definitely DID wear this jersey, that’s called having swag people.  Just call my mom the Swag Police #givemeswagorgivemedeath

Player: Ed McCaffrey

Jersey: White-Broncos

Received: Age 8 or 9

Notes: It’s pretty clear my mom hates white athletes, why else would she rob me of this sweet sweet jersey? #allathletesaremadeequal

Player: Aaron Brooks

Jersey: Black-Saints

Received: Age 10 or 11

Notes:  This one is pretty random, not gonna lie.  At least with the McCaffrey jersey I can explain what a big Broncos fan I was at the time, but Aaron Brooks….not so much.  Maybe it had something to do with them beating the Rams when Kurt Warner was playing for them; I used to hate those Rams.  This jersey reminded me of that. Unfortunately, this jersey was also lost on Throwback Thursday. #healthyhatred

Player: Jamie Sharper

Jersey: Blue-Texans

Received: Age 11

Notes: I know I know, but the Texans were just becoming a franchise and I guess that excited me.  Serious question though: who the hell is Jamie Sharper?  My mom did me a favor stealing this one–check that, also lost on Throwback Thursday #damnmygreatideas

Player: LeBron James

Jersey: Reddish-Cavaliers

Received: Age 12

Notes: Yes, I had a LeBron jersey his first time around, and yes, I am a psychic who knew he would be coming back and was holding on to his jersey until that time.  Only problem is, he rejoins the Cavs and my Miami Heat fan mother apparently throws the jersey ou-ahhh actually it’s still in my closet #mybad

Player: Wayne Chrebet

Jersey: Green-Jets

Received: Between ages 9-11

Notes: I definitely remember this one being lost on Throwback Thursday.  Also, what in the world ever prompted me to ask for a Wayne Chrebet jersey? #nopatternherekeepmoving

Player: OJ McDuffie

Jersey: Green/blue-Dolphins

Received: No clue

Notes: Full disclosure: this was my brothers’ jersey.  Also, he may still own this I’m not sure.  But, he might not because my mom is a filthy jersey robber! #stickyfingers

Player: Sammy Sosa

Jersey: White pinstriped-Cubs

Received: Between ages 9-11

Notes: I used to wear this to elementary school unbuttoned with a wife beater underneath.  This jersey made me a grade school sexual icon, and I didn’t even need to wear a silver chain with it!  My mom can’t handle her son being such a babe I guess. #itsjustgeneticsma

Player: Jamal Anderson

Jersey: Black-Falcons

Received: Age 8

Notes: I wore this one to a different Throwback Thursday in 2008.  Sure this child’s medium was a little snug but it only helped accentuate my sculpted abs at the time.  I loved this jersey and can’t believe it’s gone.  I’m begging you mom, please return this one. #desperate

Player: Terrell Davis

Jersey: Blue-Broncos

Received: Age 7 or 8

Notes: My all time favorite jersey, so my mom had to know there was no going back once this one disappeared.  Terrell Davis was the man.  I even named my first pet, a hamster, Terrell.  I once wore this jersey on the after-school playgrounds of SCOPE at Owen Marsh and friggin’ dominated the football games.  This jersey was my everything #toomuchtohandle

Player: Dee Brown

Jersey: Orange-Illini

Received: Age 12 or 13

Notes: One of the last jerseys I ever received, this one also meant a lot because like TD, Dee Brown was the man.  Fortunately, I still own this jersey.  I just wanted to remind you all that Dee Brown was the man #deebrown4eva

Player: Brian Urlacher

Jersey: Dark blue-Bears

Received: Between age 9-11

Notes: Not actually my jersey, my brother’s.  But I saw my mom wearing it one time.  I just can’t believe how brazen she is getting wearing the stolen merchandise right in front of us #bold

Player: Jimmy Smith

Jersey: Teal-Jaguars

Received: Ages 9-11

Notes: I THINK I owned this.  If I did, my mom totally stole it. #keepyohandsoffmahshit

Player: Allen Iverson

Jersey: Black-76ers

Received: Age 10 or 11

Notes: Probably my second favorite jersey ever behind the Terrell Davis, a perfect reason for mi mami to take it from me.  #alleniversonwasmyrolemodel

Final conclusion: Not including the Pippen or Armstrong jerseys I never owned, or the Jimmy Smith one I probably never owned, or the Duncan, Brown, James jerseys I still do apparently own, or the four jerseys I lost on Throwback Thursday, and the Urlacher and McDuffie jerseys that were always my brothers, it’s pretty clear my mom is a mastermind thief.  How else can one explain thirteen invaluable jerseys disappearing off the face of the planet?

You know what, enough of this speculating, it’s time I confront my mom and let her know this thievery will not stand.  I need to know why she would do this, and where she has hidden the product.  Maybe she sold it already!?  Moms are the worst! BRB…

Final final conclusion: So after angrily confronting my mom and demanding she return my stolen jerseys or pay the ultimate price, it was calmly explained to me that all the jerseys in question have been stored away in a few bins above my closet because my mom figured they meant a lot to me so she saved them while getting rid of other clothes that no longer fit…

Moms are the best.  Especially mine.

Ranking the Players of the NBA Dark Ages: #39-20

We shall call it the Dark Ages.

Michael Jeffrey Jordan had just called it quits for the second time after doing this, and THE LOCKOUT immediately followed.  The NBA was left with a handful of 90s superstars extending their careers, and a bunch of up-and-comers looking to make a name for themselves.  It was the perfect mix.

It was an era of international players making their way to America, and teams reaching for(and often missing on) high school prospects.  It was an era defined by isolation plays, lack of defense, and the Jail Blazers.  Hip-hop culture had long been an integral part of basketball culture, but now it pushed its way to the forefront and the tight ass white executives took notice.  All of a sudden players were showing up in sagging jeans, du-rags and sideways caps, and the big wigs started to panic.

There are many ways to define this era of NBA basketball, but it’s not hard to figure out when things began to change.  First came the game-changing 2003 draft that ushered in future superstars LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and Darko Milicic(joking).  Then Commissioner David Stern stepped in, as he was often wont to do, and put his permanent fingerprint on the league, changing the culture forever: he instituted a dress –code beginning in the 2005-2006 season.  Suddenly this

became this

for better or for worse(for worse).  Even more important, an NBA that was consistently seeing its lowest ratings began to become popular again.  The Dark Ages of basketball officially ended on October 17, 2005.

Some of us, however, were baptized in the Dark Ages of the NBA.  Some of us barely remember watching Michael Jordan before he was on the Wizards, and grew up idolizing Allen Iverson, and worrying our suburban parents who grew up idolizing down-to-earth Larry Bird and media savvy Magic Johnson.  We ignored our dads telling us the concept of team was dead in the NBA and instead went and bought arm sleeves and practiced our crossovers.  We argued over The Lakers dynasty and yawned while the Spurs began their own.  We remember like yesterday Vince Carter’s iconic dunk contest, and eagerly watched Yao Ming’s barrier breaking entry into the league.

There are some of us that refuse to pretend like this NBA era never happened; that refuse to think this period was some sort of a black eye for the league.  We grew up on that shit.  As part of The Heem Teem’s 2014-15 NBA preview, I’ve decided to go back and properly review this time period in the NBA, which I’m defining as the time from when Jordan retired for the second time until the dress code was instituted.  This means I will be looking at the ’98-’99 season through the ’04-’05 season., but rather than focus on the teams from this time, I find it much more fitting to focus on the playersthat made this era so special.  This is a very scientific, completely biased, and very subjective ranking of the NBA players that myself and many others grew up idolizing and imitating.  This is the players of the Dark Ages.

Here’s how the rankings were determined:

-First things first, the only players eligible were those that made an All-NBA 1st, 2nd, or 3rd team.  This left me with 39 players to work with.

            1st team=+3

            2nd team=+2

            3rd team=+1

-League MVP=+3

-NBA Championship=+3

-Finals MVP=+1

-Defensive Player of the Year=+2(this will be the only defensive metric used, because let’s be honest, this era was NOT about defense)

-All-star game= +1

-Led Big 5 category(points, rebounds, assists, steals, blocks) for a season=+1

-Averaged 20+ pts in season=+1

-Averaged 10+ rebs in season=+1

-Averaged 10+ assists in season=+1

-Averaged 2+ steals=+1

-Averaged 2+ blocks=+1

But that’s not all, because what are rankings without some subjective metrics like…

-Name recognition(This is both a measurement of the average NBA fans knowledge of a player as well as how well a non-NBA fan would recognize the name)(1-10 rating)

-Point in career(were they in their prime, twilight of career, or was it just beginning?)(1-10 rating)

-Coolness(how cool I consider this person to be)(1-10 rating)

Add it all together and the highest ranking a player could have in 7 seasons is a 190, which no player on this list is close to for obvious reasons.

So now that you understand how I ranked each player, you should understand a few other things: first, there is a very small chance I may have tallied a players numbers wrong.  This is very unlikely, because I’m perfect, but stranger things have happened.  Second, the subjective rankings are exactly that, subjective.  I could have asked a panel of fellow NBA fans to provide their rankings on these topics, but I don’t care what any one else thinks, this is my column.  Third, I sincerely care about what everybody else thinks, so please let me know where I screwed up and why.  And lastly, I did not include WAR, or win shares, or whatever else these nerds are using to measure performance today, because quite simply, I am not a nerd.

Before we begin, however, let’s look at a few of the better players that didn’t qualify for this list because they never made an All-NBA team in this time period.  This includes prolific scorers like Jerry Stackhouse, Antoine Walker, and Shareef Abdur-Rahim.  (Am I the only one that doesn’t remember ever watching Abdur-Rahim play?  I mean, he was always a name I knew, but playing in Vancouver and for those pitiful Hawks teams during this time basically made him the Raptors version of Chris Bosh.  You didn’t know how good he was except for what the numbers said.)

Other players who made a name for themselves during this era but fell short of the list include Stevie Francis, Jalen Rose, and Mr. Big Shot himself Chauncey Billups.  Hell, Billups won a Finals MVP during this time and Francis was co-rookie of the year, but neither were ever one of the six best guards in the game, at least according to the All-NBA voters.

Finally, how can we talk about this era without at least spending some time talking about the Jail Blazers.  The original big three has to be Rasheed Wallace, Damon Stoudemire, and Bonzi Wells amirite?  How much different would this era have been if the Trail Blazers hadn’t blown that Game 7 against the Lakers in 2002?

  Sure, it was only the 1st round, but that team had enough talent and self-certainty to go all the way.  Would we have ever emerged from the Dark Ages if the Jail Blazers were NBA Champs?  How would David Stern have overreacted?(My money says he would have forced the whole Blazers team to change their first name to David, in a last ditch effort to mold each player after himself.  This would have first backfired when Rasheed Wallace exploded after finding out David Wallace was a character on The Office, angered because he found the show to be a shameless rip-off of the original British version he favored.  Or maybe it wouldn’t have crumbled until Bonzi Wells started taking on the persona of his namesake, David Wells, chugging beers before games and blacking out by halftime; ok so maybe nothing would have changed for Bonzi, but still).

Last but not least, we can’t forget that MJ Part III graced the Dark Ages with his presence for two odd years.  Is there any better reason to call this era the Dark Ages than the fact that a slightly overweight, under-athletic Jordan came out of retirement after the perfect finish to his Bulls career, only to then fail in leading the Wizards into the playoffs while also destroying Kwame Brown’s life in the process?  Hmmm.

A few other awards still need to be handed out before we get to the player rankings:

Best Team: This is an easy one.  The 2000-2001 Lakers lost one game in the entire playoffs.  One. One?  One.

Best All-NBA 1st Team: 2002-2003

-Tim Duncan

-Kevin Garnett

-Shaq

-Kobe

-T-Mac

True, there is no point guard on the team, but whooooo caressssss!!  We’re talking about two of the most gifted wing scorers the league has ever seen at the guards.  You just can’t convince me that the following years first-team that replaced T-Mac with Jason Kidd is better just because they have a point guard.  Kobe don’t need no point guard.  T-Mac don’t need no point guard.  Assuming both can throw the ball into the post occasionally, which I believe they probably can, there is no need for a point guard.  How did T-Mac even get voted in as a guard?  Is KG the three on this team?  Doesn’t matter, this team represents everything that was perfect about the Dark Ages.

Worst All-NBA team: 1998-1999

-Karl Malone

-Tim Duncan

-Alonzo Mourning

-Allen Iverson

-Jason Kidd

Maybe it isn’t fair to include the lockout year, but we can’t just pretend it didn’t happen.  This team includes MVP Karl Malone, past his prime and usefulness as Michael Jordan’s plaything, a before-prime Duncan, Iverson, and Kidd, and a very good but not exactly awe inspiring Alonzo Mourning playing center.  This team is the perfect embodiment of the lockout year, and I don’t mean that as a positive whatsoever.

Ok, enough bullshitting, let’s start ranking the players of the most interesting period in NBA history, the Dark Ages.  Remember, there is no wiggle room on these.  If you disagree with me, I will turn on you quicker than Poot did Wallace.

THE “WAIT, I VAGUELY REMEMBER THAT NAME” GROUP

39. Tim Hardaway

-1 2nd team=+2

-Name recognition=+2

-Career point=+3

-Coolness=+1

-Total=8

38. Jamal Mashburn

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 all star game=+1

-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-Name recognition=+2

-Career point=+4

-Coolness=+3

-Total=13

37. Eddie Jones

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 all star game=+1

-1 season 20+ pts=+1

-1 season 2+ steals=+1

-1x steals leader=+1

-Name recognition=+1

-Career point=+7

-Coolness=+2

-Total=15

36. Michael Redd

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 all star game=+1

-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-Name recognition=+2

-Career point=+4

-Coolness=+5

-Total=15

Not exactly a group to remember.  Hardaway was on his way out of the league, and is um, not exactly a likable dude.  Eddie Jones didn’t exactly force other teams into a panic.  Michael Redd seems like he was gone as soon as he arrived, and he never played a meaningful game.  The same can be said for Jamal Mashburn, a surprisingly high volume scorer who thrived on poor teams throughout his career and was a man with diminishing skills at this point.  When picking teams for a pick-up game, these guys are selected last every time.

The “These Guys Were Still Playing?” Group

35. Hakeem Olajuwon

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 season 2+ blks=+1

-Name recognition. =+6

-Career point=+2

-Coolness=+8

-Total=18

34. John Stockton

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 all star game=+1

-Name recognition.=+5

-Career point=+3

-Coolness=+8

-Total=18

I’ll be very honest, I have zero recollection of ever watching these guys play.  Both scored high in coolness, however.  Hakeem Olajuwon because “The Dream” is an all-timer nickname, and also because his name can easily be changed to Haheem Olajuwon.  Stockton because he was the last of the great white American point guards, because he went to Gonzaga, and because he once wore an all denim outfit to a Finals game(pic cannot be found).  Beyond that, I have nothing to add about these Hall of Famers.

The “They Were Already in the League?” Group

33. Dwyane Wade

-1 2nd team=+2

-1 all star game=+1

-1 season 20+ pts=+1

-Name recognition=+8

-Career point=+2

-Coolness=+5

-Total=19

32. Amar’e Stoudemire

-1 2nd team=+2

-1 all star game=+1

-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-Name recognition=+4

-Career point=+3

-Coolness=+7

-Total=19

31. LeBron James

-1 2nd team=+2

-1 all star game=+1

-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-1 season 2+ stls=+1

-Name recognition=+10

-Career point=+2

-Coolness=+2

-Total=20

30. Gilbert Arenas

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 all star game=+1

-1 season 20+ pts=+1

-Name recognition=+5

-Career point=+4

-Coolness=+9

-Total=21

An interesting group indeed.  Some of you may be surprised to see Gilbert Arenas ahead of LeBron, Amar’e, and D-Wade, so I’ll let you into my thought process a little bit because it all came down to the cool points.

Things that are cool to Zane: nicknaming yourself Agent Zero, flashing guns in the locker room, referring to yourself as Hibachi, flipping a coin to decide where to go in free agency.

Things that aren’t cool to Zane: receding hairlines, goggles(glasses for sports, and glasses are for nerds), being corny(looking at you Bron Bron), and men capris(looking at you D-Wade).  This is how Agent Zero ends up ahead of these other better known and more accomplished fellows.

The “LOL…Wait, They Were Pretty Solid” Group

29. Antonio McDyess

-1 3rd team=+1

-1 all star game=+1

– 2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-2 seasons 10+ rebs=+2

-1 season 2+ blks=+1

-Name recognition=+2

-Career point=+8

-Coolness=+5

-Total=22

28. Grant Hill

-2 2nd teams=+4

-3 all star games=+3

-2 seasons 20+ pts=+2

-Name recognition=+4

-Career point=+4

-Coolness=+2

-Total=22

27. Sam Cassell

-1 2nd team=+2

-1 all star game=+1

-Name recognition=+3

-Career point=+8

-Coolness=+8

-Total=22

McDyess was sneaky good for some very bad Nuggets teams back in the day.  Cassell had one of the all-time ugliest NBA faces, which made his irrational confidence and constant smack talk that much more endearing.  Cassell also played for surprisingly fun Bucks teams when they had him, Ray Allen, and Glenn Robinson.  The  sad story on here is Grant Hill, who famously could not stay healthy after signing a massive contract with Orlando before the 2000-2001 season.  Despite this, he somehow enjoyed an extended career as a role player, not retiring until 2013.  One can’t help but wonder where Hill would have ended up on this list if he would have stayed healthy.  Hill unfortunately lost out on coolness points because I can’t always tell him and Steve Smith apart on television, and that pisses me off.

The “Thank God For Timmy D” Group

26. David Robinson

-2 3rd teams=+2

-1 season 10+ rbs=+1

-2 all star games=+2

-3 seasons 2+ blks=+3

-2 NBA Champs=+6

Name recognition=+5

Career point=+2

Coolness=+2

-Total=23

Don’t get me wrong, David Robinson was an awesome player, so I’m told.  But he doesn’t make it this high on the list without Tim Duncan leading his Spurs to two championships.  The Admiral was well past his prime, and the crew cut never did work for me, but do those teams still win two championships without him?  Yeah probably.  Plus, one of my childhood buddies older brothers’ name was David Robinson, which was very confusing.  That pissed me off.  David Robinson should have been farther down on this list, I’m sorry.

The “They Were Great Second Options” Group

25. Baron Davis

-1 3rd team=+1

-2 all star games=+2

-1x steals leader=+1

-1 season 20+ pts=+1

-3 seasons 2+ stls=+3

-Name recognition=+3

-Career point=+6

-Coolness=+6

-Total=23

24. Shawn Marion

-1 3rd team=+1

-2 all star games=+2

-1 season 20+ pts=+1

-2 seasons 10+ rbs=+2

-3 seasons 2+ stls=+3

-Name recognition=+4

-Career point=+5

-Coolness=+6

-Total=24

23. Yao Ming

-1 3rd team=+1

-3 all star games=+3

-1 season 2+ blks=+1

-Name recognition=+8

-Career point=+6

-Coolness=+7

-Total=26

22. Steve Nash

-1 1st team, 2 3rd teams=+5

-1 MVP=+3

-3 all star games=+3

-1x asst leader=+1

-1 season 10+ asst=+1

-Name recognition=+6

-Career point=+5

-Coolness=+3

-Total=27

21. Peja Stojakovic

-1 2nd team=+2

-3 all star games=+3

-4 seasons 20+ pts=+4

-Name recognition=+3

-Career point=+9

-Coolness=+7

-Total=28

Steve Nash is a two time MVP, including one MVP during the Dark Ages.  So Steve Nash was a first option on a team right?  Wrong.  I’m here to tell you right now Steve Nash doesn’t win those MVP’s without Amar’e, Joe Johnson, (gasp) Quentin Richardson and (double gasp) Mike “Does anyone still want me” D’Antoni.  Steve Nash is an all-time great point guard, but the mistake the Suns made was thinking they needed to build the team around him.  The Suns should have built that team around Amar’e, and probably would of if not for a string of bad luck injuries.  Steve Nash is like ground beef in a taco.  Sure, he makes every other ingredient better, but is he really more important than the tortilla(Amar’e)?  Not to mention, there are fish tacos, chicken tacos, hell even turkey meat tacos.  The ground beef is the best option, but it is not the only option that will make the taco work.  That’s Steve Nash.

As for the rest of the group, Baron scores cool points for being a fat point guard who could score at will.  Shawn Marion is still somehow playing for what looks to be another championship caliber team in the Cavaliers and still has a great nickname “Matrix”.  He might be higher on this list if not for this text exchange with NBA guru Eliot Sill:

ME: Is Shawn Marion a Hall of Famer?

Eliot: No

(Eliot was right, I immediately regretted asking this).

Yao Ming falls into the same category as Grant Hill in that you wonder what could have been if he stayed healthy.  At his best, Yao was a deadly offensive weapon with size and skill only ever matched by Yian Jianlian(guys I swear I’m kidding).  Peja tops this group because Peja was the secret weapon on those amazingly cool Kings teams that went toe-to-toe with the Lakers during the latter’s dynasty(and got screwed).  The only thing keeping Peja from moving up on this list is that his release point on NBA2K is one of the all-time most difficult to figure out.  Sorry Peja, but that pisses me off.

The “I Secretly Always Hated Him” Group

20. Karl Malone

-1 1st team, 1 2nd Team, 1 3rd team=+6

-1 MVP=+3

-5 seasons 20+ pts=+5

-3 all star games=+3

-Name recognition=+7

-Career Pt.=+4

-Coolness=+2

-Total=30

Ugh.  Believe me guys and gals, I tried really hard to fudge the numbers on this one and move Karl Malone back on this list, but this was the best I could do.  You could say I feel bad for Karl Malone for never winning a championship, but you would be wrong.  You could say how excited you were when he formed the original super team with Kobe, Shaq, and Gary Payton on the Lakers, but you would be stupid.  Don’t lie, you loved when the Pistons won the championship over them that year.  Karl Malone seems like a man that always aspired to be a Hell’s Angel but had to settle for playing basketball.  Also, he had John Stockton, and his game was way to efficient to be enjoyable.  Go to hell Karl Malone.

The Basketball Baby Jesus: NBA Award Predictions

Here’s the thing that throws me off about the timing of the NBA All-Star Break: the season is nearly 75% over.  A few playoff spots are still undetermined, and most of the playoff seeds can still be swapped among teams, but almost everything we need to know about the players, teams, and coaches of the 2014-15 season has already been figured out.  Breakout players are breakout players by now; if they’re not, guess what, they aren’t breaking out this year.  Any award list has been shortened by now; we know what teams are going to finish at the top of their respective conferences unless disaster strikes.  This is why I think now is a good time to make my final picks for the All-NBA Teams, MVP Award, and Sixth Man Award.

I didn’t include Defensive Player of the Year on this list because defense is stupid and unimportant, and I didn’t include Coach of the Year because how the hell am I to know who the best coach is?  Coach of the Year always ends up going to the coach who led his team to one of the best records in the league, or occasionally a coach who simply changed his teams win-loss record by an impressive margin in a year’s time.  This year it’s going to go to a ‘best record’ type coach, either Mike Budenholzer of the Hawks or Steve Kerr of the Warriors.  But are either of these guys really the best coach in the NBA?  Shouldn’t the best coach one year be the best coach the next year as long as his team doesn’t completely tank?  Shouldn’t Gregg Popovich win every year until he retires?  I understand the desire to award a Flavor of the Year Award to a coach, but it doesn’t mean anything.  I don’t get it.

The predictions that follow are a mix of my heart, my brain, and my balls.  My heart because some of these players I just enjoy watching play the game of basketball more than others with identical skills.  It’s an aesthetic thing.  My brain, because no matter how much I want to name Jamal Crawford my MVP every year, stats and value do matter.  Speaking of stats, you won’t find many in this piece, and that’s because nothing bores me more than when a writer tries to rationalize all of his decisions in ranking players with a bunch of stats.  Basketball isn’t played on a computer guys.  That being said, stats still matter, and I gave cursory attention to both traditional and advanced stats(found on NBA.com) to help aid my decisions.  So remember that when wondering why so and so is ahead of so and so, and be glad I didn’t bore you with ‘true-shooting percentage’, ‘secondary assists’, and ‘catch and shoot field goal percentages’.  Finally the balls part of the equation.  Some players you would just rather go to war with.  Paul Pierce is my all-time favorite ‘balls guy’.  Pierce’s ability to change games in the 4th quarter has always made him more valuable than similar players, and even at 37 his balls have helped the Wizards win several games this year.  Balls were factored in to the following rankings.  Balls.

This is how I see the end of season awards shaping up.  Enjoy.

Sixth Man:  Hahahahahahaha is this even a question?  If you’re nodding your head yes, you got a lot to learn about me son.  Jamal Crawford is and will always be until he chooses otherwise, the best sixth man in the league.  I’m not accepting debate, I’m not interested in opposing opinions whatsoever.  Jamal Crawford basketball purity.

3rd team All NBA:

G: Chris Paul

G: Jeff Teague

G/F: Jimmy Butler

F: Blake Griffin

F: Demarcus Cousins

If my heart was making the final decision here, I would make sure Mike Conley was on this team and Chris Paul was off.  I’ve had sinus infections more likable than Chris Paul.  The thing is, anyone that hoops knows the kind of player Chris Paul is.  There’s a Chris Paul at every local YMCA and Gold’s Gym.  He’s that undersized dude that got cut from every team he ever tried out for, started lifting and got a lot better in college while the rest of us were doing fun things.  He always shows up alone to play.  He plays waaaaay harder than anyone else, he’s usually the best or second best player on the court, and he’s utterly unbearable to play with.  It doesn’t matter if you’re playing with or against your local Chris Paul, by the end of the game you are going to fucking hate him.  He’s constantly ordering people around on offense, only to launch a brick from the volleyball line.  He whips fastballs at you on the fastbreak from five feet away, and yells with disgust when you can’t handle it.  He fouls everyone and complains if you call him on it, then starts calling every ticky-tak foul when he has the ball.  That’s Chris Paul.  The Chris Paul’s of the hardwood are not to be confused with the Kevin Garnett’s or the Kobe Bryant’s.  The Kevin Garnett’s are completely identical to the Chris Paul’s ON the court, but unlike Chris Paul, who you can pretty much just assume is a dick wherever and whenever, the Kevin Garnett’s of the world are your best friends off the court.  The Kobe Bryant’s are the guys that are the same as the Chris Paul’s in every way, only they are so much better than every other schmo on the court with them that it’s acceptable for them to be a dick, expected even.

I’m pretty indifferently confident about the rest of these 3rd team picks, but all of them could easily be replaced by a few guys that missed out.  Blake Griffin would have a solid shot at 2nd team if I wasn’t pretty sure he’s going to miss most if not all of the remaining regular season games.  Marc Gasol could easily step into Blake’s spot on this team if he can’t return.  I figured at least two Hawks needed to make the team since I couldn’t find room for them on the 1st or 2nd team.  Teague was the easiest pick out of the ATL, and I settled on Horford over Millsap for reasons I can’t remember and don’t plan on re-examining, then remembered Boogie Cousins was probably good enough to be a 2nd Teamer let alone a 3rd teamer.  The I pondered whether it was an insult to put Boogie on a 3rd Team, like maybe Boogie deserves 1st team or nothing.  But then, I put him on the 3rd Team.  Boogie is having a great year, afterall.

Butler is having too good a season, and is the only true ‘swing wing’ on this list besides LeBron.  Jimmy is no LeBron, but he has been the Bulls’ best defensive player in a season when the Bulls’ defense hasn’t been itself every night, and he’s become a versatile scorer offensively.  I think his scoring average ultimately dips below 20 ppg for the season, which probably means nothing to anyone but myself, but Butler will be on this team.

Just missing: Mike Conley; Marc Gasol; Z-Bo; Tim Duncan; Dame Lillard; Greg Monroe; Kyrie Irving; Paul Millsap;

2nd team:

John Wall

Klay Thompson

Russell Westbrook

LaMarcus Aldridge

Pau Gasol

1st team:

Steph Curry

James Harden

LeBron James

Anthony Davis

DeAndre Jordan

John Wall has never made any All-NBA Team.  Neither has Klay Thompson.  This would be Aldridge’s first 2nd Team after a 3rd Team last year, and Pau is no stranger to this spot.

Aldridge was under serious consideration for 1st team in DeAndre Jordan’s spot, but Jordan got the nod because he’s on pace to be the first person in a super long damn time to lead the NBA in both field goal percentage and rebounds.  DeAndre’s just cooler, and he’s learned and perfected his role so completely.  He’s this year’s Joakim Noah.  Also, does any player mean more to their team just by being the person that he is?  DeAndre is the opposite of Chris Paul; he’s always so energetic that the attitudes around him just always become more positive.  This is, I believe, why the Clippers haven’t completely imploded yet.  Blake Griffin is clearly tired of Chris Paul.  I can’t imagine JJ or Matt Barnes are loving him either.  Jamal Crawford’s entire purpose as a basketball player on this Earth was to aggravate the Chris Paul’s of this world with his unorthodox game.  If not for DeAndre, Paul would absolutely be experiencing a mutiny.

It’s not that DeAndre likes Paul himself even, but as the ultimate role player he’s accepted that one of those roles is to keep the peace on the team.  Obviously, keeping the Chris Paul vs. Everyone Else Showdown to a minimum emotional level is important because, well, Chris Paul is really good still.  Jordan can’t just jump on the side of the rest of his teammates because he wants to win, and the Clippers aren’t winning this season without Paul.

Russ is an interesting player here, because it’s not inconceivable to think he’s about to do something we’ve never seen before in the second half of the season and steal the MVP.  I didn’t even include Russ on my top 5 MVP list, but not only would I not be surprised to see Russ make an MVP hero run, I’m rooting for it and half-expecting it.  Speaking of Russ and hero, how awesome was his All-Star performance.  41 points!?  27 shots!?  Russ without a doubt has the least chill of NBA player in history.  He has no idea what chill is.  That’s why he is so awesome man.  He’s made up of the four main ingredients that any great person must consist of; he’s Cool; he’s Classy; he’s Bold; and he’s Hard…ok maybe Russ isn’t all that hard, but we’ll cheat a little bit here because he has more Boldness in him than any human being can possible handle.

Outside of Jordan, the rest of the 1st team should be pretty non-controversial.  Curry and Harden have done enough that I see no way they aren’t 1st Team at the end of the year.  LeBron has just started to turn it on, and his MVP resume is stronger than it seems and he’s getting credit for.  He’s also LeBron; he’ll be on this list.  Anthony Davis needs to be healthy in the 2nd half, but as long as he can play 15 more games or so Aldridge and Gasol stand no chance of overtaking him for this spot.  It was a shame he couldn’t suit up for the All-Star game, and unless I’m wrong, which is unlikely, he’s not going to be taking the Pelicans to the playoffs this year, another shame.  Still, he’s got that Tim Duncan-y “I’m ‘bout to be on this 1st team for the next decade, mothafuckas” feel to him.

MVP:

Preseason pick: Russ Westbrook

5. John Wall

4. Anthony Davis

3. LeBron James

2. James Harden

1. Steph Curry

Speaking of Anthony Davis, he’s going to win a lot of MVP’s.  It would have been cool if he could have kept up the insane pace he started the season with, but he’s still only 21 and is about to have the 2nd best PER of all-time.  Wait…wut!!??  Yeah, he’s really good, but it’s the wrong year for him.  For starters, his team probably won’t make the playoffs.  Second, LeBron is still LeBron and can still do a little bit more than Davis to shift the trajectory of a game.  Third, Harden and Curry are having two of the more unique MVP-caliber seasons I’ve ever seen.

It’s kind of like that first Steve Nash MVP, or the Dirk MVP.  Everyone knows these players are superstars, but in a normal year they just aren’t going to do enough to win an MVP.  They aren’t, that is, unless a confluence of events occur.  For one, players like Curry and, to a lesser point Harden, need the undisputed ‘best player(s)’ to have off years.  Right now in the NBA, those guys are LeBron and Durant.  For the past three years now those to have been clearly better than everyone else, so that you know that as long as both are healthy it’s a two-man race for the NBA.  Well, Durant has been everything but healthy all year and LeBron took a two week break to rest up, and the Cavaliers struggles have been a bigger story than anything he’s done on the floor.  LeBron would have to do something HUGE to steal this MVP.  He’s just having too familiar of a 26/7/6 year to win the MVP without going off.  The thing is, LeBron doesn’t need to go off and he knows that.  He’s more concerned with doing whatever he needs to do in order to help his teammates fit-in(or is it fit-out?  Sidenote: WTF does fit-out even mean?).  With four MVP’s already, LeBron doesn’t have the incentive to go superhuman in the regular season, barring an injury to Kyrie.

So with the best two players in the world injured and more concerned with playoff positioning, the door was always going to be open for Curry and Harden.  Harden is the best pure scorer in the NBA, and I use the word pure when describing Harden very reluctantly.  He’s a whirlwind of efficiency that he wouldn’t otherwise be if he hadn’t fully embraced the Rockets semi-revolutionary ‘Threes and lay-ups or Die’ philosophy, and if he wasn’t stupid good at being fouled.  Watching Harden is a lot like watching the University of Virginia basketball squad this year, each is great at what they’re doing but downright unwatchable because of their respective styles.  I’m sorry, if watching free-throws is your thing than you and me are not the same and never will be.  If basketball is jazz, than Harden is the most talented tuba player of all-time.  The talent and skill are undeniable, but it sounds terrible.  While I’m at it, let me point out a last little factoid about Harden: he’s a point guard.  Enough of this Harden’s a shooting guard crap; no one on his team handles the ball more and does more to set up his teammates.  Seriously, I know they let Patrick Beverley pretend to be a point guard at the beginning of games, but after the 1st quarter it’s the James Harden show, and it should be because James Harden has dope handles, and since Chandler Parsons left his basketball IQ is now equal to the rest of his teammates combined.  Even when he’s scoring 45 he’s putting his teammates in positions to succeed.

So why isn’t James Harden my MVP?  Let me first answer by saying I think Harden and Curry are about as equal at this point as two MVP candidates can be, and I don’t see either really separating himself from the other during the second half.  If anything, Harden might have more of an advantage simply because Dwight Howard’s questionable health makes James Harden hero ball a necessity for the near future.  Ultimately, though, it comes down to the fact that Steph Curry is more fun to watch, both because of what he’s doing individually as well as what his individual accomplishments have meant to the Warriors success.  I also don’t think Steph will ever compete for another MVP as seriously as this.  He’s going to be a top ten player in the league for the next 5+ years, but I have a feeling we’re seeing the best Steph will ever have to offer, and this just happens to be the only year Steph’s best will be good enough to win MVP.

Again though, Steph absolutely deserves the MVP based off his play this season, and it’s not like he’s backing into it by default.  Steph has the best handle in he league for anyone not named Jamal Crawford.  He’s also the deadliest shooter in the league right now, and that means catch and shoot, off the dribble, off screens, whatever.  Every shot Steph takes should be presumed a make unless proven otherwise, and when he heats up just stop trying to stop him.  He’s also a willing and able playmaker when his shot isn’t falling, something Klay Thompson knows all about.  If basketball is jazz, Steph is Miles Davis.  Watching Steph get hot is as fun as it gets this year.  Aesthetically, his game drastically outpaces Harden’s, which is why he’s going to be the 2014-15 NBA MVP.